My future plan is what I knew in the back of my mind was going to happen, but I didn’t want to accept it until I heard it from Dr. K’s mouth herself. I was to come in the end of July, as she felt I needed to level out my body a bit more and add higher doses of the neuro meds, but I was to begin an extensive IV treatment via port (power line) in my chest.
It was a lot for my mind to process, even though I already knew it was likely what I needed, but it finally became my reality. 7-8 months of extensive IV treatment. I have already had IV treatment for nearly 5 months, so even at the lower end, I am going to have spent 13 months hooked up to IV’s.
THIRTEEN MONTHS. It’s overwhelming, like I will have missed out on over an entire year on my life. I was beginning to lose that butterfly, rainbows, and unicorns positive attitude and smile that has kept me going during the course of my treatment. 😦
But I need to look at it as it will take me that long but I have a chance to have my life back, and it gives me such an appreciation for all the little things, everything that seems so simple, that are really a part of a big picture. Going out with friends for drinks, dancing, singing karaoke, going for a swim, going on random shopping trips, going for a long drive just because… among so many other things that I can’t do right now that I have so much more appreciation for. Those things add up to something really big.
Not to get religious on anyone, as I really am not a religious person, but I wonder to myself if there really is a “big guy upstairs”. Is he trying to teach me a lesson? Is there a purpose for this happening to me? I don’t really know. Maybe God is punishing me for stealing a 4$ mood ring at Walmart when I was like 15 years old. Haha. Seems a little extreme, but I just have to wonder why once in awhile.
I already know that the next 7-8 months are going to be absolute hell, but I must be a positive force. I know I am strong, and I am brave, and know I need to keep smiling. And I will. There is no other choice.