I feel like a crazy, neurotic mess.
Everything is itchy. I have creepy crawlies all over me. Always. And nothing is ever there. I have read that itchiness on your limbs can be a form of pain, so I don’t know what this is. Entire body itchy pain to go along with actually being in pain?
I have been seeing things, usually people, out of the corner of my eye. I know that no one is ever there but I still have to do a double take. This reminds me of my Cipro days. I use to often see a white light from outside that would come closer and closer to me or occasionally saw a glimpse of a man standing outside my window, even without having a night terror, when I knew no one was ever really there. Lately, I have been convinced I have stitches still in me from my surgery back in January, yet they won’t come out…. because there are no stitches left in me.
A week or two ago, I had a sensation on my side that there was a tick, buried in me and began to dig at my side with the tweezers to try to get it out. I woke up Dave, to see if he could get the tick, and yet there was nothing there. Then he stayed up, to make sure my side stopped bleeding before going back to bed.
It’s so hard to tell what is what with the disgusting amount of medication I take, or if it is the Lyme. I think it is the Lyme, forming an ugly head, as I am upping in such small increments, I even up them a little slower than what the DC papers say. I just think it is wise instead of upping a bunch of things at once, up one, keep the rest the same, see how it goes, up one more, etc. That way, if something is bothering me it is easier to pinpoint. I think the medications might have helped a bit with my tics, as they have still been at a dull roar but I seem to have been having more and more periodic bad spurts throughout the day. I saw Dr. S. today, for my adjustment, and he asked how I was doing. I guess the best thing I could describe to him was “loopy”. My cloudiness and brain fog is getting a lot worse.
Lately, I feel like the little kid in the movie, Billy Madison, when Adam Sandler is listening to him try to read and Adam Sandler yells at him, “T-T-T-Today Junior!” . I go through bouts of having this happen, but have been seeming to stutter more so lately then I have in awhile. I feel like there is a circuit shorting out in my head when I do this, and sometimes I think it’s because I completely forgot what I was talking about in the first place. If it’s not stuttering, it is stopping mid sentence and then silence. I feel like an ass when I do this, or respond to a different question that is asked to me, because I feel like people might think I am not listening to them, but I really do. I just don’t respond the right way all the time anymore.
On occasion, the words won’t come out so it sounds like I have come up with my own, scrambled up language. For some reason though, Dave ALWAYS understands what I am trying to say. He kind of laughs like, “what the fuck?” and continues on with the conversation as if I hadn’t just spoken a foreign language to him. I think he has seen it all by now, and has been with me every day and been through the worst yet by my side, so nothing seems to phase him anymore.
Sometimes I sit there and literally a wave comes over me and I feel like I am out of my own body, if that makes any sense. I can hear people talking around me, the tv, or wherever I am but am sort of just “out of it”, entirely. I can’t respond, see what they are doing, but I know what’s on tv, or who is around me. Sometimes when I feel like this I have an immense feeling like I am going to pass out and feel like I am going to go into a panic. I just want to feel normal again, and I haven’t even brought on the “big guns” that DC has to offer yet.