My mind has gone all wiry lately. Well, I guess that’s a little obvious from some of my past posts. Lately, I have been paranoid in a million different ways. I want to smack myself because even if I try to relax, it just isn’t going to happen. Even amongst the exhaustion, cloudiness, and pain, I can’t help to feel like my world is going to crash around me; something is going to go terribly wrong, someone is going to hurt me, I am going to forget something important (which is completely feasible), anything, really.
I am constantly thinking someone is there when no one is really there. This happened to me a lot when I was taking Cipro, and it has started to come back again. Sitting and doing my IV’s at night, I feel like I see someone, or something out of the corner of my eye even though I never quite can make out what. Once I look again, I can see for sure there is no one or anything near me, but I feel like a nut job to even see things in the first place. I have this happen often when I am driving, looking into my mirrors.
I had a bad one the other day. Paranoid about anything and everything. I was fine first thing in the morning but once I did my infusion and oral antibiotic and was ready to start the day, it started all over again. Is there something wrong with my car? I really think there is. Maybe a tire’s flat. I think my car is smoking. Maybe it will catch on fire. That person is following to closely. I hope they don’t rear end me. Now, I am finally at work. Phew. I am safe and sound. My car was not a fireball and my tires in tact. No one hit me.
So now it’s time to do some office work. I have a checklist so unless I lose it, this is a pretty idiot proof way of getting things done. You would think after over 6 years I would know what I was doing, but I guess to be fair several months ago I had a hard time operating a stapler… so there’s definitely some improvement. Once I leave, my mind is flooded… Did I forget something to do at work? Oh gosh, I can’t remember if I had any errands I was suppose to do after I finished work. And then I go home and take another ativan. LOL
Once I have some relaxation and down time laying on my couch, half asleep but never fully asleep, I start to feel better and a little more sane…. for awhile anyways. Then it all comes back to be, at least no longer any driving paranoia because I am done driving for the rest of the day. I begin to wonder once again I might have forgot to do something at work that couldn’t possibly wait until the following day. Then new thoughts begin to flood my mind. Oh god, one of my friends is definitely mad at me, I don’t know what I did but they are DEFINATELY mad. I don’t know what I would do without my friends… Oh No! Dave’s mad at me. He must be getting fed up with me, I’m fed up with me, so why wouldn’t he be? He doesn’t love me anymore! I got myself so worked up really thinking he hated me for absolutely no reason as nothing particular happened that night, that once he went to sleep I cried. And cried. This has been a new one for me too. Who knew I was Little Miss Sensitive?! Ugh. If I could punch myself in the kissah I would.
All I know is, I am driving myself crazier than my usual crazy self. I feel like I have completely lost control of my mind. The list never ends. No ativan in the world can fix what is going on in my head. Hash tag Needsachillpill