August Part 11 – Cry Cry Baby

Not every day is butterflies, unicorns and rainbows for me, contrary to how I speak in my blog, and if you saw me in person you would never be able to tell. But there is always a silver lining to whatever situation comes at you. Always. Even if you have to dig really deep. And I have had a few that were silver linings that were huge; that have saved me from feeling much worse than I already do or having a really bad panic attack . I have good friends and people that love and care about me. 


The other day I had a really bad one from the second I woke up in the morning. My joints ached, my body just hurt all over, my eyes hurt, and it felt like there was a marble sticking out my neck because of swollen lymph nodes even though I literally just had a lymph drainage massage the day before. I had a hard time in the bath, trying to get comfortable as my back and knees were just not cooperating and was trying to figure out the easiest way to get out of the tub when I was done. I had a hard time doing my IV’s, tired as all hell and stood up and must have been higher than the pole because blood started coming up my tubing a pretty good way. It was one of those mornings I had to make 3 trips out to my car to be able to leave. Did I lock the door? Shit…no. Did I grab my phone? No. Oh wait, I didn’t grab my meds. 


So, I finally make it to work. Late as usual. I always feel so guilty when I do but there really isn’t a lot I can do about it. People say to me, “why don’t you wake up earlier?” Well, if I COULD I would. Just as bad a statement as “I sometimes get tired too.” GFY. Well, My tics were pretty bad and I was just not feeling good. My mind was so blurry that morning I forgot to go to the bank on my way to work to get pocket money for the guys trucks. Son of a bitch! 


Mike, my coworker that does the deliveries, comes in on Wednesdays to help out in the office. He has taken over way more than his normal job obligations to give me a helping hand. He saw me counting what I had for money as I was starting  to  tear up and he knew I didn’t want my Dad to know. I didn’t want him to think I was any more of a screw up. Mike told me to just short each truck by 50$, and it should be fine. Then, I completely forgot, he takes my Dad’s truck to Boston… so still short on money. He told me don’t worry about it, he would pay for it out of his own pocket and to just pay him back Friday. Thank you.  That was one chip off my shoulder. My first silver lining. He did not have to do that for me, but he did. 


On my way home, I decided I really could use another cup of coffee; I was so unbelievably drained. My tics were still acting up and I made it through the drive through and paid, and had a few tics while I was waiting for my coffee. THE DUNKIN DONUTS GUY LAUGHED AT ME. I told him, “thanks for noticing I have Tourette’s”, and drove off once I got my coffee. What a piece of shit. I get stares a lot or the what’s wrong with you’s a lot, but no one has laughed at me, at least not to my face. It’s not like I can help it. Most of the time I would blow this off, but the day I was already having, driving away I could feel the tears building up and I somehow forced them back down and made my way home. 


An hour or so later, one of my best friend’s, Amelia showed up. She has told me this time around on my IV’s, she wants to be there and help in any way she can. It’s not that she never cared before and didn’t check up on me, but it is hard to watch your friend be sick.  I think she just didn’t know what to do and couldn’t handle it. No matter what though, every time I see her, she has always made me feel like I was “normal”. My other best friend has always done the same for me. Shooting out invites and being supportive, when I wanted to talk about it of course.  It doesn’t help acknowledging and treating me like I am different. 


It was a beautiful day so we sat outside, catching up on gossip, everything. We sat outside for hours, just talking. Once we had a break in our long chat, she helped with some chores as I try to do more than I should, and to give Dave a bit of a break. My house was sparkling by the time she was done and she even made her way outside  and cleaned my porch for me. 


Well, amongst all the chatting outside, I forgot I left my phone inside and couldn’t hear it. It’s not like I have it glued to my side. It’s few and far between that I get texts or calls. And one of the few texters I have was sitting right next to me. Dave called 4 times, trying to figure out if I needed anything and to write a list for Walmart as he was going to go with one of his friends. 


Needless to say I didn’t answer it. When he came home, he asked, “did you check your phone?” Sure enough, 4 missed calls, no messages. To be fair, he never calls me unless it is his lunch break and I would have brought the phone out if I had remembered it. He was really pissed off at me. He wanted a list made. He is a organization/planning type freak. I can relate, I use to be too. 


And I can’t say I haven’t ever been a little drastic about him not answering his phone, but I think not answering when you know I am on my IVs is different than a list to Walmart, especially when he wasn’t rushing out the door anyways. His friend showed up over an hour later to pick him up. Ugh. 


So, of course, he got a pen and paper: soap, q tips, gallon freezer bags, that type of thing. Some things I really wanted and needed that he could get at Walmart, he wouldn’t get for me. I asked him to pick me up new underwear as mine are like 5 years old and completely falling apart, mascara, and eyeliner. I know they are girly things but come on, pick up your wife some damn underwear and get her some new makeup. He picks me up tampons! 


I know he was mad but it just made me so upset when he wasn’t willing to do this for me that night.  It’s not like I can just run in a store unattended and do it myself. Or drive the 25-30 minute trip to Walmart. I go to the post office, pharmacy and the bank, that all have chairs that I can sit in if I feel like absolute shit. And I have had to utilize these more then once. 


Amelia could see the look of sadness on my face while Dave was saying no to me and as soon as he left the tears started pouring. Once the tears came, they just didn’t seem to fully go away. But she was by my side and helped me try to calm down. It sucks, because she knows and anyone that knows me knows I would usually give a sly comeback or a big “fuck you”, and that would be that, but I really have been taking things to heart lately. 


She knew she had to do something, and I obviously wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to try to go anywhere. She left and went to Rite Aid for me and picked up my girly items and picked me up dinner while I took an ativan, tried to relax and layed down on the couch.  My other silver lining. A good friend when I needed someone the most. 


When Dave got home, I was still all teary, and we had a biiiigggg long discussion. I will give a disclaimer, I do not think he is a dick. If you have read my other posts, he is a Saint. No doubt in my mind. But that day, he was grumpy and downright mean. Even though he told me his reasonings which made a little more sense, like not wanting to buy me underwear in front of his friend, not that I need super sexy panties at the moment haha. Be being angry, but don’t be mean. I can’t take mean right now. Even if I am not the nicest person back, I try to let him know how much I love him and appreciate everything he does for me. 


But then I cried yet again saying he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t care about me. Once again a paranoia thing. I hate thinking that way but when I start getting upset I begin to think that. Everything in my mind reverts to him being sick of me and he hates me. Any guy that hears this from their wives or girlfriends probably gets super annoyed, and I feel awful when I end up acting like a crazy person and do this, as I KNOW he doesn’t feel that way, but he reassured me yet again that he loves and cares about me and gave me a big hug and a kiss. Case dismissed. 


I can’t tell why I am getting this upset over EVERYTHING lately. I get teared up at every little thing that someone says or does to me. I am wondering if it’s a herx from my antibiotics as I usually have a lot of emotional reactions, most of the time rage but this month paranoia has also come into play. I have had laughing and crying seizures in the past (gelastic, I believe), so maybe this is why.


Or, maybe things are just completely overwhelming for me right now. Even though I hold a very positive attitude and you will almost always see me with a smile on my face and happy, sometimes deep down reality is a bit too much for me. I have a power line in my chest and have months and months left of IV antibiotics. And then some more. I have days that I am just so angry at the world, and this was one of those days. It is rough seeing everyone around me moving on, doing whatever they please, and I am just stuck here. To think and think and think about things. Enough to drive you insane. And so anything that is said to me or what Dave does I take to heart. 


And so it turned out, Mike from work and Amelia were my silver linings of the day. Dave was too, I just didn’t realize it amongst being so angry at him. He has been there for me all along and I think I just need to take a deep breathe and realize that a bad day or argument doesn’t turn it into a bad relationship. He is still my everything, I just wish my mind would stop playing games with me.


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