I woke up extremely late. This has been a part of my routine these days and I don’t like it! My dad called me at 11 to make sure I was okay. Alright, that is technically 2 1/2 hours late for work. Fuck balls. “Sorry dad, I need to get ready… I am still in bed.”
He set me off even though I think he had good intentions. I feel like the past few days were living in my “What to Say and Not Say” entries. “Do I need to get you a louder alarm clock so you get up in the morning? There is a difference if you are lazy and don’t want to get out of bed, or because you need the sleep? I think you really need the sleep.”
But all I honed in on was the “lazy” and need to buy me a loud alarm clock/ offering to buy me an alarm clock in my mind though, which insinuates that I just plain needed to get up and going.
I got my butt together, did my Clarithromycin IV and headed to the store to get a coffee and scratch ticket (ok I may have an addiction here), and heard long story short since it is family, I was being compared and my past over a year of treatment was completely belittled, when they really have no idea.
It hurt. A lot. It made me lose my mind. I kept the tears from rolling but as soon as I saw my parents I started bawling. I was so angry with him. I was so angry at everyone bringing me drama this week. I was angry for this disease. Just angry. And I cried. And cried. That is not like me.
My mom said I was extremely hot and sweaty during my tantrum as she was trying to get me to calm down and it wasn’t working so I don’t know what was going on. All I know is I need to relax. I need to remember patience. I need to remember people are going to say hurtful things.
I have been positive a positive force throughout all of this, but this week has just been a week of being completely upset. Crying and crying. Even right after a mg of Ativan! Nothing would stop the tears from flowing.
Let it go. Accept everything. I need to stop this. I hate myself to even be posting about how much things suck.
I have read other blogs that were pages and pages of whining. I am not like that. I sympathize with anyone who has to go through this but I don’t like whining. There is a huge difference. Buck up. Mind over matter. I NEED to stop. My emotions are out of whack this month.
I think I have to talk to Dr J. about this. I have been on edge about everything that is said to me. I am on the defense. Everyone is out to get me. When people say mean things I am not able to shrug them off like I am use to. I cry constantly. I hate the crying part. I am a keep your damn emotions inside type of girl. But I keep on losing my marbles.
For the rest of the day, my pain levels were pretty high and my stomach and esophagus feel almost like a cold pain sensation. You know what I mean? I don’t know how else to describe it.
I was kind of excited, “Paranormal Activity 2” was on, since we had watched the first one last week. So Dave watched it with me 🙂 I am looking forward to some more of the older halloween movies when they come on. I don’t want to see “Jason Goes To New York” LOL No… I want to see the originals! The original “Halloween”, “Carrie”, “Nightmare on Elmstreet”. Hoping I will see some of these on soon. :):)
My nighttime IVs took forever! And I was so excited thinking the Zithro was all done and I saline and did my heparin and tucked my line back into my bra. Then Dave came over to me and said, “umm, Kim… you have nearly half a bag left” What!?! I don’t know how I didn’t see it. LOL Wishful thinking? So hooked back up for another hour.
I stayed up late once again, but did not have to be anywhere specific on Thursday. So I wrote. I watched two Lifetime movies and went halfway through the third and once again realized I just watched it. So time to get my butt in bed. Once I did, I slept and slept and slept.