January Part 1 – Starting Off the New Year

Starting off the new year, I was already hoping for a redo. It was just one of those days that nothing could go right. I suppose we all have those days once in awhile, but I really just need to catch a break. Although I am physically worn and exhausted, I am so mentally exhausted from being sick. 

 

Once I got up in the morning, I noticed my dressing change fell off again! Seriously? What the hell! I already wanted to go straight back to bed. I was able to salvage my dressing for the time being with some medical tape that the hospital gave me. 

 

Dave was outside “playing”.. well I call it playing, but he calls it “working” on his mud truck outside, as he had the day off. I had to go into work, but I still had my IVs to do. I set up my IVs and thought to myself that I never got my new insurance card. I never got my new insurance card! I started making phone calls forgetting that it was a holiday. It should have struck me since Dave was at home but not at work, but my brain obviously wasn’t functioning quite right in the morning. 

 

Dave came in when I was making phone calls and sending e-mails, doing my second bag, my Cipro, and he saw that I never mixed my bottle of Meropenum with the saline bag, so I just sat and did a bag of saline… without the antibiotics. 

 

That is when I completely lost it. I spent the morning completely bawling my eyes out. “I fucked up my protocol! That is such a HUGE waste of money ( It really is, a few hundred dollars a bag), and now I don’t have insurance!” 

 

I suppose the insurance is really my own fault. I really shouldn’t have waited until the last minute, but when you are sick, you think more about getting by, day by day, and forget responsibilities that you need to take care of. I was so mad at myself for not getting this done, and so mad that I took trust in the company to actually get things done right, especially after them taking my payment. 

 

Dave sat down next to me, telling me that it would be okay, and not to get upset that I forgot to mix my medicine. He then told me I needed to calm down because I really did all that I could do for the day to try to figure out my insurance. 

 

Instead of taking his love and support, I took all my frustrations out on him. I yelled at him about everything. Telling him he didn’t understand. And you know? He really doesn’t understand. But he sure tries and does everything he can to make things better for me. Sometimes I just don’t realize this. 

 

In the meantime, I was messaging my nurse on Facebook, as she was concerned about my dressing, especially after she saw the pictures I posted on the previous day’s blog. I was explaining to her about the insurance, and she said to just come in and we would talk about it on Thursday. Okay. Just breathe. 

 

After all of this, I still had to go to work. I pulled myself together, and got ready. What I mean by getting ready is just splashing some cool water on my face so my puffy eyes from crying would go down, and change my clothes. No bath. I don’t even think I put deodorant on. I know I forgot to brush my hair. I was a mess. 

 

I called Dave on my way to work, to tell him how sorry I was for taking things out on him. He was so nice and kind to me, and told me not to worry about it. I was glad I called but still felt bad that I acted that way to him in the first place when he was only trying to help. 

 

Not a surprise, I was running late. Fortunately, my Dad was okay with it, since the market was closed to put the orders in. I was so tired, and in a terrible mood, but tried to not unleash the wrath of Kimmiecakes, be nice, and not take anything out on them. Life just felt incredibly overwhelming. 

 

Once I got home, I did my best to relax. I reheated some leftovers, and took my Marinol to let it sit before I did my nighttime IV session. And guess what?! I got it right! I mixed my Meropenum! I think after the upset I will ALWAYS make sure I mix everything and double check before I infuse. 

 

There was a big storm to come on the way. It is funny, I think anyone with a condition, in my case Lyme, you can tell the weather. I could feel it in my knees and spine. Yup. It is definitely going to snow. I had a cup of peppermint tea, took my probiotics, and hit the hay. Well.. this was the start of 2014. Tomorrow is another day. And it will be better! And it was. 🙂

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