Last day, last day! It’s been a long month to say the least. I got up at a reasonable time but had a hard time getting ready. I had to keep sitting as my heart was racing and I was getting really light headed. I almost thought of taking my heart medication for tachycardia , but I haven’t taken it in a few months, so decided against it. I really don’t want to take an extra medication if I don’t have to.
I also decided against being clean and just splashed some cool water on my face, put on deodorant, and a little mascara so I felt somewhat put together.
It was an extremely emotional day for me. Work triggered it, but everything went downhill from there. Very downhill.
It sounds like my Sunday hours are going to be cut, and I heard some cold hard truth about my ability to be a good worker. I know that there is truth to it, but it really hurt to hear it. A sugarcoating would have been a lot better to me that day. I could have really used that.
I have been doing the best I can. I am a perfectionist, but I never really feel like I am doing anything right. Okay, I know I am not doing a lot of things right. But, doing the best I can. I spent my work day weepy but cried the entire way home. My body was exhausted from being upset, completely sore, and shaky.
I tried to relaxed and had some comfort food to take my mind off of things. I didn’t want to be sad. It was the last day of treatment after a very long month. It has without a doubt been the hardest yet with Dr J.
Dave brought the mail in and he handed me my “Press Release” from Dr J. It is the notes from my last appointment. I read over my notes, and circled the words that I didn’t understand. One thing I was curious about, CRPS variant, which is short for Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome, meaning a chronic condition characterize by burning pain and abnormalities in the sensor,motor, and autonomic nervous systems. I looked it up, and was kind of mortified at the pictures in the more severe cases. It kind of looks like a severe RA with swelling as well. Another diagnosis. Super! I will be sure to add it to my laundry list of other crap that is wrong with me.
I then read that my protocol is really not going to be all that much fun next month either. It looked like I will be starting a new antibiotic, Rifabutin, which is kind of like Rifampin, and I will be reuinited with Tigecycline, only perhaps everyday like I did with my Meropenum and Cipro on my second week this month.
I didn’t really like my notes, but there no point in worrying. Whatever comes my way, I will tackle it. And I will be okay. In the meantime, I am going to make the most of this time off. I hope it treats me well, my Helliday becomes my holiday. I have been notoriously wiped out with them, but something has gotta give. I am hoping I get a glimpse of those blue skies, that I have missed so, so much.
The rest of the night my tears came back. All night. I cried about work, I cried about life. I heard about a poor young girl that is going through this hell and is in the hospital, and I cried for her too. I just couldn’t stop crying.
My hand decided to do something that I haven’t had happen in a long time. Well, this was a little different since I use to have “mummy-like” seizures, but this was only localized to my hand. I know the picture kind of looks like I an a Star Trek fanatic ( Thanks for the reference, you know who you are 🙂 I will always think of this now LOL), or like a velociraptor claw, but I will tell you it hurt like fucking hell. I couldn’t move it at all. I asked for advice, and decided to soak it in some warm water. My legs and feet hurt a ton, and when I went to get up off of the couch, I fell right down, unable to support my weight with the pain in my body. Guess what? The water works turned back on. I pulled myself up off the floor and was able to make it to the bathroom, and set my hand in warm water, and the tenseness began to subside.
After a very long and emotional last day of my antibiotics, I was really REALLY hoping for that glimpse of blue skies. Only time will tell, but at that moment I was happy that I had made it through the month. Although I felt like I had been kicked down in the dirt, I still held my head up high. I made it.