I left feeling like I really need to show improvements this month. This month is a really big deal, because it will be the decision if I can get my line out at the end of April/beginning of May. Let’s do this! It is one of those things I wish more than ever I could “mind over matter”, like I always do, but I know I can’t lie about my progress. So this means I need to MAKE progress. It isn’t necessarily the torture of the actual treatment, it is the part when I am OFF treatment. Although this time he is still keeping me on something during my breaks, which is still kind of discouraging, if that’s what it takes, that is what it takes.
Dave reiterated to me after talking to him a few things. “Don’t go too crazy.” Okay, yeah pal, I am going to go drive out and drink and dance. All by myself.
“Stop ruining your better moments by overdoing everything. You don’t need to run a million errands and start a cleaning spree. You know what happens every single time you do this. Just relax.”
This will probably be my biggest struggle. Some of you readers understand this, those who are healthy really can’t relate, even if you try. I take each day that I am able to do things like this to my fullest potential, and it kills me every time. For days. I take each moment of having one sort of functionality like a normal person and use it. Take advantage of it. I need normalcy, and those are all stupid little things I took for granted. But now they are not so stupid, and not so little anymore.
The trip home really sucked to be honest with you. We were hoping to catch an earlier flight, which didn’t end up happening, so we waited at the airport for over 3 hours. As soon as we got on the plane, the very last flight of the night, it took another half hour or so to de-ice the plane so we could take off. Oh my godddd, I just want to go HOME! I was starting to get cranky at that point, and pretty anxiety ridden. Of course my Ativan was thousands of miles away in NH. Since I only remembered to bring my morning pills, not my afternoon or nighttime. I had a splitting headache, and I was really woozy. I wished for a nap on the plane, but I just couldn’t fall asleep. Not like me at all!
Once we were off the plane, we still had to wait for our shuttle to take us back to the hotel. 10-15 minutes they said. Fucking liars. 40 minutes later, in the freezing cold, we got picked up. After being cold outside, nothing is worse than climbing into a cold car. Brrrrrrr. I finally warmed up and talked to Dave as much as I could on the way home. I knew he was beat. Maybe even more so than I was. He is the one who has to navigate me through the airport as I get completely lost and overwhelmed, even though we have been there several times, and carry my two carry on bags filled with flushes, heparin, tubing, and all my IV medications.
We made it home, just before 1 a.m. I felt so bad that he had to work the next morning, and had to be up at 6. Poor Dave.
I on the other hand, got to sleep in a little bit. Okay, 10 ish. I needed to shower and wash the grossness of airplane off of me, and Thursdays are always the best day for me to wash my hair and shower in case if my line gets wet since it is dressing change day anyway. It was really nice to wash that airplane slime off of me, and scrub my hair. Don’t act like you don’t know what airport slime feels like. Who knows, maybe you don’t. But I for one am completely OCD and don’t like touching things. Sitting where a million people have sat. Put their boogers on. Well, maybe that’s a stretch but who knows. Coughing and all disgustingness, I was ready to wash that all off of me.
I did another juice cleanse. This time a different brand. I allotted myself my small cup of black coffee in the morning, and brought my first “salad juice” to pick up my dog, Chance, at my parents house. As always, he was psyched to see me. I felt so bad that as soon as I got home, I had to head right back out for dressing change. He looked at me over the baby gate, that for some reason he hasn’t figured out he is part Dane and could step right over it, and gave me his sad puppy dog eyes. I went into the kitchen and grabbed him a treat, and all was well in his world.
My dressing looked really good this time. I was in and out of there, and then headed to the pharmacy to drop off all my new scripts and some refills. THEN, I went to visit my bestie S. at the salon. I think maybe I already broke Dave’s rule about not overdoing it? I couldn’t help it. It was a snowstorm and daytime TV is terrible.
So back to the juice cleanse. Poop juice. Once again. It is a tough decision since I know this new cleanse has much more vitamins and nutrients, but it tastes fucking terrible. I was trying to justify it on my second juice but nope. Gross. There is another cleanse I wouldn’t mind trying, but I need someone to pick it up for me out of state, since the shipping is absolutely ridiculous. Sooner or later. 🙂
I did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. I was so tired. My eyeballs hurt. My joints. My feet. Okay… you get the idea. I laid on the couch, and elevated my feet like Gayle and Dr J recommended, and played around on FB and ordered some things I need for my IVs and supplements. Alpha Lipoic Acid, Anchor patches, tubing, xylitol.. I think I have everything. I think….
My eyes started feeling really heavy and it was an earlier night for me. No 2 a.m.’s here. I think that the next few days I am surely going to pay for everything I have done the past few days. The last thing I need is Dave chiming in ” I told you so, I told you so!”. I am really hoping I can prove him wrong. Who will be right? I have the feeling he might be, but we will just have to see! 😉