April Part 9 – A Huge Step Forward


I didn’t get the chance to take anything out on Dave after my emotional day of work. I now think that I might be having problems detoxing and that might be why I am feeling the way that I am. I almost black out and now I can recollect things that I said when I was upset. Saying that I hate my life, things like that. And that isn’t remotely true, I think I am pretty darn lucky. 


I was feeling a little better laying on the couch, with coffee in hand, trying to relax and hoping to get out of the house for awhile to take my mind off of things. Dave called and asked if I had made plans or what I wanted to do, and of course I hadn’t and he copped a major attitude with me, making me no longer relax and start to get upset again. I think he knew he upset me, because by the time he came home, he had made plans with the “make a wish” couple to go out to eat at a little Mexican restaurant in my town. 


They came over and the boys went outside to talk trucks and whatever guys talk about, and S. stayed with me and talked with me in the kitchen. She always makes me feel better, and I immediately began to forget my piss poor day. 


Mexican it was. I was pretty naughty. A delicious margarita, and before I knew it with an appetizer platter for my dinner, as I knew the leftovers would be eaten later, I was eating super cheesy quesadillas. Whoops. Luckily, between the gluten and sugar, it didn’t have extreme adverse effects like it normally does, but I knew I would have to do some super detoxing to get all that crap out of me. I could feel the lymph on the right side of my neck swell, and the inflammation in my body was starting to come out. Naughty Kimmiecakes. 


It ended up being an early night for me, and I was so happy I could sleep in as it was my one and only Sunday off for the month. I got up, seeing Dave wasn’t in bed, and it was around 7:30. Nope. This isn’t happening. And then I fell right back to sleep until around 10:30. Ahhhhh. Much better. 


When I got up, I had coffee waiting for me on the stereo, needing to be reheated since it probably was around when I got up that my coffee was brought to me. If only there was a place in town with gluten free bagels. MmmM. 


It was a rainy Sunday morning, so I was in no rush to do anything. I did my core exercises for the day, then sat and watched a movie, all bundled up in a jacket, sweatpants and my fuzzy socks. I always feel yucky when it is raining. My mind was feeling pretty good, clear without the high and depersonalized feeling. I was pretty sore, my plantar fasciitis in my right foot was acting up, yet my toes were completely numb. I honestly would take pain everyday for the rest of my life to have a clear mind. 


It turned out Dave had things planned for the day. He wanted to get some yard clean up done and was having a friend stop by to buy one of his spare motors he had fixed up. So that left me alone inside. And then I knew  exactly what I wanted to do. Grocery shop. Our town has a very small grocery store and I was determined to tackle it.


I called Dave to let him know where I was going, and he really advised against it. “You had such a horrible month, why don’t you take it easy?” “I have to do this. I need to do this. I need to at least try.” 


He told me to call if there is any problems and he would come and get me. He knew I was going to do what I was going to do, that is how I have always been. 


I took a deep breath and tried to relax myself as much as possible. I made a list so I wouldn’t have to go up and down every isle if didn’t need to. I


Before I put anything into my cart, I began to feel overwhelmed and started to get dizzy. I put a few things in the cart to make a salad, and by then I was thinking about giving up. Mind over matter, I kept going.


My body was shaking, my legs weak, and so dizzy I could barely see the items on the shelves. I started getting angry at people as they were blocking everything, or staring at me as it can be pretty obvious that I am “not quite right” sometimes. Fuck them, right? And move your asses out of my way. I held on tight to the cart for balance and finished everything I needed to get done. 


I was all cashed out and placed my groceries in my trunk. I sat in my car, and looked at myself in the mirror. I was grey, and had huge circles under my eyes. I sat in my car and sipped some water, sweating and shaking I needed to sit and breath before I could drive home.


Once I started to drive home it hit me. I went grocery shopping for the very first time by myself since August 2012. I was overwhelmed with joy that I made such an accomplishment. Tears were streaming down my face. 


I had Dave take care of the groceries for me and take care of them. I could barely stand anymore and he rushed over to make sure I wasn’t going to fall taking my boots off. My legs were rubber and I could no longer feel my feet. 


He made me go lay down and he began to cook dinner. He knew I would be out of commission for the night. He decided to come out while he was making dinner, doing a remake of Britney Spear’s “Oops I Did It Again”, and sang, “Oops I did it againnnn, I overdid ittttt, and now I feel like shiiiitttttt”. If you know my husband he is pretty woodboogery, so it made me laugh and forget I was feeling pretty miserable even though it was worth it. 


Everything was either sore or I lost all sensation of. My head felt full and my eyes were still blurry. I had a fever just below 100. Yup. Overdid it. But I will tell you even though I am miserable , it is completely worth it to me. This is huge. It was a success, and if never gave up.


I have been ticking and stuttering tonight, but I guess that goes along with the overdoing it part. I keep drifting in and out of sleep, but I am going to try to hold off so I have a good night’s rest. Although I conquered, I definitely overdid it, and I have Coartem and physical therapy to look forward to tomorrow. Not going to lie, I am a little nervous. But after a huge step like today, I know the end result regardless as to how it goes will make me take another step forward toward finally getting better. 


6 thoughts on “April Part 9 – A Huge Step Forward

  1. So happy you went to the grocery store. I know it isn’t easy, my daughter can’t go into most stores either. Good luck this week, Janie

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