I use to be the type of person that would have her bags packed a week in advance for her trip, with a list to check things off. I would open the suitcase and check everything to make sure everything was there, over and over again. Who knows? Maybe something would vanish in thin air? Or maybe Dave would take something out of mine. Not likely, but you never know. It is just easier to blame the husband.
Yesterday I had all the good intentions of getting things ready. I got ready quickly for work, weird I know, and headed over there to prepare for the week as well as get everything done for the day. After a good solid 10 minutes at work, I could feel my mind drifting, and that drive I had was starting to end pretty quickly. I had to keep pushing through though! Lots to be done!
I kept going over in my head what needed to be done. Laundry. Vacuum. Clean the bathroom. Change the bed. Pick up the house. Pack all of our stuff. Get Chance’s things ready to bring him to his Grammy and Grampy’s. Ugh.
As soon as I got home, Dave told me his parents were coming over. Wahh! It’s really not that I minded them stopping by, I just had a ton of things to do to get ready as we were going to be leaving for Boston as soon as Dave got out of work on Monday. I could feel myself beginning to fall asleep while they were visiting, and I had officially lost any drive I had left. Even company makes me really tired these days. I missed Easter, which was a blessing in disguise that I had to work as I literally felt like I was going to die, shaking, stuttering, and the feeling that my brain was so swollen that matter was going to come out of my ears, nose, and eyeballs.
Dave and I cooked a light dinner and since I had given up for the day, I watched movies with him, Lifetime of course, even though he was strongly opposed for the night, but let’s face it… I win.
I did a lactated ringer and my headache came right back. My legs were getting rubbery again and at that point I decided to call it a night. After all, it was going to be a VERY busy day ahead of me.
I actually got up a few minutes before my alarm, and was ready to get up and at em’! I was ready to anyways, but my body said “no”. After sitting for awhile, I decided it was best to take a shower. I didn’t want to be stinking up Dr J’s office. Then I had the million other things I had to do.
With all the stress of the world seeming to cave in on me (I know that is a bit dramatic, but I freak out having to get ready to travel and I now do everything close to last minute… and in this case it was last minute), I was trying to get somethings situated, throw a batch in the wash if Dave and I wanted clean undies for our trip (I sure would!) and I had no clean pants and I couldn’t wear these jeans I have been living in the past few days again either. It would probably make Dr J add to his underlined notes “looks homely”. And I wouldn’t want that.
About ready to leave came the moment that I knew would eventually come… the freak out break down moment. “WHERE ARE MY KEYS!!!” “WHAT THE FUCK WHY CAN’T EVERYONE LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE!” “FUCKING ASSHOLE!!” And so on and so on. LOL Stomping through the house and having a Lyme rage tizzy fit, I saw my dog was literally terrified, sitting there and looking at me shaking. I gave him a soft baby voice, “It’s not you Chancey, it’s everything else.. I just want my fucking keys..” And then I continued parading around the house like a lunatic, throwing papers around, blankets, kicking things like a two year old. And then I found them. Right on the kitchen table. *Sigh of relief*. At that point my eyes were already full of tears and the sniffles began. Too bad I had already taken my Ativan! Lord have mercy on the world if I hadn’t taken it already. LOL
Feeling bad for traumatizing my dog, I gave him his favorite, a Pupperoni, gave him a kiss and some pats and headed off to work. Luckily I had done some things already, so it was pretty much a sign checks and lick envelopes kind of day. My stomach was turning and I was already getting chest pains just thinking of what I still had to do to get ready.
As soon as I got home, I immediately switched the laundry over, let Chance out, and set up a bag of food for him to bring over to my parents house. I got his leash and baby gate to bring, and he knew he was going somewhere. *Boing* Boing* Boing* So excited. Tail wags and all. He probably thought I was taking him to Dunkin Donuts, his favorite place on Earth, but we all know that didn’t end up happening. I figured I would finish getting things ready after I dropped Chance off, and away we went… after another mini meltdown of losing my keys.. AGAIN. At least this time Chance was okay with it, since he knew he was going for a R-I-D-E. I spell it so he doesn’t pummel be over as he is not a very good speller. He always looks so sad when I bring him over there, I really can’t wait until I don’t have to go to DC as often.
I took another Ativan so I wouldn’t go crazy, as on my ride home I felt like I was going to have a heart attack and just as I pulled onto my road, I realized I had forgotten to print out my plane tickets. Son of a bitch! Oh well.. too late now! I got my pharmacy of meds ready, straightened my hair, as I didn’t need “hobo” on my list either, and filled out the rest of Dr J’s paperwork. All of our clothes and personal items were ready to go. I kept taking the personal items in and out of the bag, just in case I forgot something. I don’t think my OCD will ever go away, as that seems to be engrained in me.
Dave should be home in about 10 minutes, and I am as ready as I am going to be. There is a Margarita’s at our hotel, and you better believe I am going to have a drink. I need it. With pineapple juice of course, sour mix has way too much sugar.
I really don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I have been waiting for a few month’s now to hear the magical words, “I think you are ready for your line to come out”. Which hasn’t been the case. I was told most of his IV patients only need 7-8 months of IV treatment, and here I am going on 10 months. I am just not ready yet.
I had a terrible month, worse than I thought could happen on the exact same protocol as the last, but I think that means treatment is really working. I definitely have a lot of bloodwork issues that he is going to want to discuss, and I am sure he will have a plan that will work for me. I am giving myself no expectations this month, and I am really glad that I am not. I set myself up a little last month to get my hopes up, and that will not be happening again. Whatever is, is. Dr J is a brilliant doctor, and I have faith in him.
Wish me luck!