I think the only reason why I got out of bed after I got back from DC was because I missed my dog.. a lot. Even though Dave and I went straight to bed, it was so weird not having him be sleeping at my feet.
I was going to take a shower, to get rid of the yucky airport feeling all over me, but as soon as I put my contacts in ( at least I remembered to take them out this time) and went pee, I knew that just wasn’t happening. I don’t think I would have made it. I was exhausted, physically and mentally.
A lot of things that I was expecting to have to do at the office were already done for me, so that was a pretty nice treat. There’s nothing like getting home and having piles upon piles of work to do sitting on your desk!
Sitting with my parents, I discussed with them my appointment, and the big decision that I will have to make: if I will be ready to get my line out. As I had mentioned in my last post, they were going to make a tentative appointment to have my line removed, if I chose to do so. BUT, I was told that it would be a good idea to keep my line in for a few reasons. One being, the continued use of the lactated ringers. Two, being I have not yet been switched to an oral only regimen, and we do not know if I will be able to tolerate it.
My head of course was telling me, YES, LET’S RIP THIS FRIGGIN THING OUT OF ME! SUMMER TIME’S COMING!.. but.. I knew I needed other opinions.
Dave said it wasn’t a good idea, and that I really at least need to see how I can handle the orals. After talking to Dave about it some more, as I was completely out of it during my appointment, he then told me, “I don’t think they want to take your line out, they are willing to only because they know YOU want it out. Dr J never said you were ready. He would have put you on an all oral regimen if he really thought you were ready. You don’t want to have to get another line put back in do you?” Pshh. Stomping on my hopes and dreams, Dave.
My parents felt the same. My Mom told me something that really stuck with me. “I know you want your line out. But you need to have it out because you are ready for it to come out. Not because you are tired of it, not because it will be summer. Those are not good reasons. If it has to be a few more months, then that is what it has to be.”
Damnit. My heart was broken, but I deep down knew that they were right. I need to be patient. I have made it this far. I am really just sick of this all. And so I made the decision to speak with Dr J’s office, and I told them to hold off on making the appointment.
Done and done. Now there is no wondering. Waiting to see how I will feel. I am so bummed you can’t even imagine unless you are going through the same thing, but in my heart I know this is the best thing for me. Patience is a virtue, but when you haven’t had a normal shower in what will be over a year, and for five months with my PICC before that, you begin to lose that. I want to lay on a floatie in my parents pool, walk into the ocean and feel the waves. I will just have to wait a little bit longer.
My friend Amelia came and visited me for a little while. Thank goodness because although I seemed okay on the outside, I was crying on the inside. I needed a friend, and some gossip. And she is good with both of those things. 🙂
I made some comfort food for dinner, and relaxed for the rest of the night. My mind at least could shut off when I went to sleep, as there was no more big decisions to be made. The only decision I would have to make the next day was what I was going to wear for Lime for Lyme Day. 🙂