May Part 10- Having a Day


That overdoing it bit, on my first day off of antibiotics. Yup, thats me. I didn’t have to work, so I cleaned out my horrendously messy car. My passenger seat was quite embarrassing, and between having my feet resting on a zillion bottles and receipts getting stuck to my butt getting out of the car, I knew it was time. That was a good workout for me, I feel like it would have been a good workout for anyone trying to clean up that mess.

My second task of the day was to go to the police station to renew my pistol permit. Not that I have used it in a very very long time, it is always something good to have, and it is better to renew it than go through the whole process over again. I had to ask the police officer to read back my phone number on it because at that point of the day my handwriting was chicken scratch, as my hands were really shaky from getting my car cleaned out.

The rest of the day was really low key, Dave and I went to lunch in town and we stopped by our friends, but I ended up spending most of my time in the car. I was TIRED. Although ironically, I could not fall asleep for the life of me, and it was another morning I got up hours before my alarm.

Today right off the bat went right downhill. I got up and brushed my teeth, only to have my dressing and biopatch completely fall off. I immediately press and sealed it again, and did the best I could to get dressed. I was shaking and the stress of this happening again left me with a splitting headache.

This is the third time I have been to the hospital this week to get my dressing done. Helen, my nurse noticed my rash and skin peeling has gotten much worse and now wear my stat lock is, close to my insertion site is an open sore. She put my old dressing back on, as nothing seems to be sticking to my skin anymore, and she is going to come up with a plan for Thursday.

I talked to my Mom about everything, and she told me she thinks I am done with the IVs. This whole dressing rashes and now open sores is not a good thing. I think she is right. Having my dressing just falling off, open to air and bacteria is not a good thing whatsoever. I wanted to rough it out and continue the use of lactated ringers when I convert to oral antibiotics but I just don’t think it is a wise choice to do this with nothing working on my skin anymore.

And so I emailed Dr J’s office. I am waiting to hear back, but I think it is finally time to get this sucker out at my next appointment.

On top of this all, I am in a rock and a hard place, also waiting to hear back from my gynecologist, with conflicting ideas from Dr S as to what I should do with my hormone imbalance and my ultrasound results.

The stress has been overwhelming me today. I quickly did my work and went home, and started bawling my eyes out as soon as I got onto my road. I pulled into my driveway and started having a full on panic attack. I found myself gasping for air, hovering above my trash can and throwing up, as feeling this much anxiety has turned my stomach.

I am generally a positive person but I am not a positive person today. Today I am so incredibly angry at everything and thinking this is not the way things should be. I am not having a pity party, I promise, but I think I bottle up everything I feel inside and this was the explosion.

My birthday is next week, and I feel like I have missed out on two years of my mid twenties, which makes me miserable inside. I should not be stuck to the couch, I should be having fun with friends.

I have had IVs in me, using them daily for nearly a year and a half and I am sick of it. I am sick of being in so much pain. I am sick of the numbness, the fog, the seizures. I am sick of just not having any control over my body. I am just sick of it. Although I have made leaps and bounds of progress, I want more, like yesterday.

And now I am home, needing to register my car, as I am exhausted by the time I am done work and I need to get it done, and I am going to give everything I have to go to the grocery store. This will be my second time trying to do shopping in a year and a half. But right now I need an ounce of normal. With an Ativan and a big pair of sunglasses in the rain, I will leave for my adventures, and hope that it will be a success. I just need something right now. 😦

6 thoughts on “May Part 10- Having a Day

  1. Kim, you have been so positive through all of this but it is ok to have a bad day & yell, scream, cry, throw things. You will get through this, tomorrow will be another day. Sending lots of hugs to you tonight. You are so close to then end of this chapter.

  2. Hang in there Kim, Like Sandy said it is okay to have a bad day. You are very strong and determined. Do what you have to- cry, yell, …..sending wishes for better tomorrows.

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