I was pretty proud of myself registering my car and doing grocery shopping after my panic episode. Of course it was raining and I had a decent amount of walking to do to get to the Town Hall, and it was busy so I was stuck standing, but luckily, a nice older man gave up his seat for me. He could probably tell I was having a day as my eyes were puffy and red from crying so much.
Grocery shopping is a huge feat for me. I did much better than my first time shopping on my own since my diagnoses in September 2012. I felt a little dizzy walking through the isles, but it was manageable. I didn’t end up getting a whole lot, but the point is that I did it. K. from PT said I would need to build up my endurance and I think I definitely did exactly what I was suppose to do to try to build myself up.
When I got home I was beat, and I began to get emotional again. Going and running errands on my own at least cheered me up and took my mind off of everything for a little bit. Reality sunk in once I walked in the door with the few bags of groceries that I managed to get at the store. Dave came home shortly after, and immediately I don’t think he understood how upset I was. He had an attitude, probably from work, and I ended up bursting into tears again. I am not one of those people who needs comfort, as I have always been self sufficient in that department, but I think I really needed a hug and for him to tell me everything was going to be okay. But he didn’t. All I wanted to do at that point was to go to sleep. But that didn’t happen either.
I kept tearing up for the rest of the night, did a lactated ringer, and took some meds to help me sleep, although my mind was still racing so it didn’t help very much at all.
Tuesday I woke up feeling much more positive. I was up early and went to work, and then my positivity turned to rage as I still was waiting for answers, taking it out on everyone and everything in my path. My Dad, my paperwork, the computer. Everything was annoying.
Not getting answers really can drive you insane. I want my line out. At this point I need it out. And conflicting ideas about my ultrasound and bloodwork is completely unnerving. I faxed everything to Dr J so maybe I will get some input about it. Maybe not. If not I think I will be looking to Dr S for some answers. I figured tomorrow is another day, and put my thoughts to rest so I could just plain relax.
Talking to Gayle during my therapeutic massage seemed to make me feel a lot happier. We always end up laughing and I needed that. I think the errands and the stress were getting to me, as everything was really tight. I felt a lot better leaving there, and decided not to worry for the rest of the day.
And I did just that. I kept going with the detox and did another ringer, and spent much of my night watching TV to not think. Scratching at my line. The raw and disgusting skin next to my line. It grosses me out seeing my skin turn yellow and grey, but there isn’t much I can do right now. Except maybe wear mittens on my hands to try to leave it alone.
It is now Wednesday. I ended up waking up early once again, but it took me awhile to get up and going. I was pretty tired, as I knew I went to bed too late, although it was still hours earlier than I have been going to bed just a month earlier. I have been having hot and cold flashes all day and am a little sore, but I think that is just a herx from my Coartem as I only finished on Saturday. I am thinking maybe my emotional state could also be partially due to herxing… or I may just use it as an excuse. 😉
Today I am still waiting on a phone call. I am thinking in my mind that while I am writing this I will get my phone calls with some answers, because that is just how things seem to work.
Although I have definitely been extremely stressed out about my line and my ultrasound results, I do have a good feeling inside that I need to remember….
I have been doing SO MUCH better on this break. No seizures. Grocery store. Waking up earlier and going to bed at a decent time for the most part. All things that I have not seen or done in a very long time. I am going to keep it up, and today I have plans to tackle. I am going to go get my car inspected, and make the walk into town to get my Mom a birthday card. Another thing I have not done since my diagnosis.
This isn’t a matter of trying, it is a matter of doing. And I am going to do it. I am never going to get better if I don’t at least try, and without trying you will never know if you will succeed. And I have the feeling I will be just fine.