I did a lot better on my one day break in between antibiotics lightheadedness and foggy wise, but some things are beginning to pop up once again. It is apparent that the antibiotics are indeed working, as the Lyme rage has come back in full force. I am snappy. I am mean. I am someone who I wish I did not know when I am like that, but it is me, so I really don’t have a choice.
Work was really frustrating, as scheduling isn’t really working out too great, as we are extremely busy (really great though!), but it is putting me further behind, and I find myself snipping at my Dad. Word vomit as I always call it, as things just come out that I wouldn’t say on my own. He really doesn’t ask unreasonable things of me to do at work, but when I am behind in my mind I feel like they are unnecessary or he could just do them himself, hence the complete bitchiness. He is the boss though. I am extremely lucky that I fell into this career path (I really did fall into it as I was hired and a week away from a banking job), as there is no way I would be tolerated anywhere else. I am grateful. At least it keeps me going to be able to do the work that I can do.
My massage was really painful. There was pain issues everywhere. My lymph nodes were full of toxins. My good ol’ Cipro is causing me foot issues, and I have edema in my feet. Every time I am on Cipro I seem to get edema. Things I will have to remember next time I go back to see Dr J.
I was downright terrible to Dave last night. It was raining before a big thunderstorm hit, and the dogs of course came in soaking wet and muddy. Cooper gets so excited to see me when he comes in, he races over and jumps on the couch. Covered in mud. I yell at him, “OFF”, and Dave gave me a look, like I was the meanest person in the entire world for trying to get him off the furniture. Mind you, the dogs are not allowed on the couch.
I yell at Dave to shut up, that I bought the furniture, I don’t want to clean up the mess nor sit in dirt. Dave thinks it is hilarious to repeat everything I say in a whiny voice. That is when the near blackout rage began to brew inside of me. “Shut the fuck up and go outside!”… Then he told me it was job security, and that vacuums can clean it up. Then came what is also familiar to me.. the throwing of the telephone. In the chair beside me, I threw the phone as hard as I could at him, and then he finally had a look like he was mad. “Do you want me to throw the phone at you like you just did at me?” “No..” Then I realized I took it a notch too far. He went outside, took the dogs with him and dubbed outside. I pouted on the couch. I wanted to apologize, but I couldn’t get out of my own way to come up with an apology. Although I feel like he began in the wrong, I ended up being in the wrong. I hate myself for being terrible to him, as I know he puts up with A LOT. Ugh. I owe him a homemade pie or something when I am up to it…
Today wasn’t any better. Another treatment day. I got up much earlier than I am use to, and literally sat there for about an hour before I could even get up and do anything. My body, fingers, and feet were sore. My joints ached. I wasn’t lightheaded or anything like that however, which I welcome as I can tolerate pain very well. VERY well. Today ended up just being a mess.
I did great at work, even though my body was giving me a big “screw you Kimmiecakes”. Then my momentum began to fade, and everything just went downhill. I couldn’t concentrate, and the loopy feeling was beginning to come back. I was uncomfortable but I was trying to work through it.
There was some big errors in the paperwork for the orders that needed to be called in. Fortunately, it was not an error on my part. Phew. But I had to correct it. But my mind just wouldn’t let me get things right. We eventually gave up after numerous attempts of fixing the incorrect orders, and my Dad hand wrote the right items for the customers. What a fiasco.
Any sort of stress exacerbates anything going on with your body. My everything in my body was screaming. The edema in my feet was rather obvious, and my knees were so painful that for the first time they began to redden and swell. I tried elevating them and stretching them for a bit with the other chair at the desk, but it was really hard to do my office work in that position. On a scale of 1-10 for my body, this was definitely a 10. I have broken bones and was in a lot less pain than I have been in today.
I had so much to do, and everything was going downhill. I was tearing up and sniffling at the desk, trying to keep it back. It really sucked. I didn’t have the option to head home and button things up tomorrow, as I usually do, as I not only have to take Cooper to the vet, I also have to go to yet another gynecologist appointment. Someway somehow I finished everything, grabbed the bank bag, and headed home, only after my Dad gave me a hug as he knew I was a wreck. My family is kind of weird in that sort of way, we aren’t huggers or anything.. so it was clear that he knew that I was having a hard time.
I go through the drive thru at the bank, and start to panic. Where is my cell phone?! Something like leaving a cell phone at work for the day and getting upset seems pretty silly, especially since I literally go DAYS without a message from anyone (yeah I know, I am not Miss Popular..), but I had no way of getting it and would be driving a lot tomorrow. Someone like myself needs a cell phone primarily for safety. I start scrambling around and throwing bottled water, receipts, my purse, whatever I could trying to find my cell phone. I begin to bawl my eyes out, because I know at that point there was no way I could turn around and go back to work. I needed to go home.
I was so mad at myself for forgetting and I was mad at the world for things having to be this way. I was just plain mad. And sad. For the amount of positivity I bring I think it is okay to be sad and angry once in awhile though..
I use my house phone to try to call my cell phone, in the slight chance that it fell between the seat or on the floor. No ringing. I ended up calling my Dad at work, wondering if I forgot to grab it or if I dropped it on the way to my car. He found it, right where I left everything else to take with me for the day. I tell him that I will call Dave to see if he will pick it up for me, but he said he would be right over. And he was. What a relief. None of this has added to my body cooperating, as I am doing the right handed typing thing, as I have lost all feeling of my left hand, and now I can no longer hear out of my right ear. It is just a ringing noise. Fortunately these neuro symptoms come and go, so I am hoping with a little rest and relaxation things will calm down for a bit. Like I said, today I am a mess.
I am trying to be positive, because as I know especially from earlier this week, every dark day brings for a brighter day. I made a huge accomplishment by going to the grocery store by myself on Sunday, after having a very dark day. I guess this really illustrates how there are ups and downs of chronic illness, and just because someone had a little better day, does not mean that they are actually better. Seeing a bit of blue skies however means that I should be having more of these better days in time.
Tomorrow I really don’t have a choice, I NEED to have a brighter day. Driving in two opposite directions, sitting in the florescent lighting at the vets, and going to the gynecologist to get my now FIFTH opinion. This appointment I ended up having to do, as it is considered my annual exam, and I need to get it done to be able to continue to receive my Depo shots. Upon speaking with her she said I might need a biopsy. I don’t think it is a big deal to get that done though so we will see. All I know is in the past few months I have had way more action by gynecological doctors than in the bedroom. That is kind of sad. Okay really sad. But hopefully I will get some insight to issues I have been having and some straightforward answers. Wish me luck!