Blah. It’s the only way to describe the past few days. It is almost like I see myself say and do, but I am not really there. I am watching above me throughout the day. Depersonalized. Cloudy.
I have gotten a lot of, “You look tired” comments and they would be right, I am exhausted. My mind is racing as soon as I hit my pillow at night, and I have started to have very vivid dreams once again. The kind you wake up and don’t know if it is real or not, and you need to convince yourself it is just a dream.
I have been down in the dumps lately, although I seem to be able to hide it well. You would never know. My two friends know me best and are probably the only two people in the world that can tell, even Dave is out of the loop on this one.
Anxiety has been getting the best of me, about just about everything and it is overwhelming. Trivial things. Thank goodness my week of a zillion appointments is behind me, or my mind would probably explode. LOL. Well, not really, but I am pretty sure I would be in a Lyme rage and would not only be miserable myself, I would be making others miserable along the way. And then comes the guilt. I am also holding a few secrets right now, one that I am way overthinking, that I will later share, but I will have you know secrets cause cancer. True story.
Lyme and co’s have a funny way of getting to you, and it has lately all been mostly in my mind. Fortunately these phases suddenly disappear, and I feel more like myself again. Happy. Me.
Other than being “Crazy Kimmiecakes”, I have mostly been fluish. That feeling you have before you get the flu. Achy and sore. My body is weak, standing up for a period of time makes me lightheaded and dizzy. I need to sit. My eyes have been blurry and seem like they won’t focus. I have been getting headaches everyday which is unusual for me. I have been drinking tons of water just in case it has to do with dehydration. To be fair it has been hotter than Hades, I don’t do too well in the heat, and the “Omnicef shits” seem never ending. Oy. I know you are thinking “Thank you for sharing”, but hey it happens.
I guess on the upside I’ve lost 8 pounds this month. The Candida seems to be taking over though, so I have a bit of a pot belly going on. I’m waiting for someone to ask me when I’m due and rub my belly. LOL. Just kidding, It’s not really that bad, but it would really make anyone a bit self conscious. Damn you tiny cup of frozen yogurt last week..
I think the only motivation this week to do anything was having my Mother in Law stop by yesterday to bring and have dinner with us, so that meant a mini cleaning spree. This pile has been sitting in my bedroom untouched for quite some time…
Crinkled clothes are in, right? Today I at least put a dent in it. That was a slight weight lifted off my shoulders. Phew.
I think another thing that is driving me crazy is feeling like I am far less than what I wish to be. This time of year I use to work well over 40 hours a week, also having my waitressing job, and that didn’t happen this year. Or last year. It kind of gives you this feeling of worthlessness only being able to work part time, like you are no longer a productive member of society. A waste of space. Blah.
I have been trying to keep moving so I don’t sulk, as I don’t want to think or feel right now. One of the things that cheers me up is cooking a nice dinner, one that I know Dave will love. A disclaimer: I am a terrible cook. I am that person that people tell me to bring the things to make green bean casserole, but don’t have me make it. Haha. I guess that is okay, I just get to eat. Anyway, I can make a mean bowl of chile, and that is what I will make. Watching Dave go up for seconds and thirds puts a smile on my face. 🙂
This is my break, so I want to get out of this funk and truly enjoy my time off. As for now I seem to be stuck in a rut. I am sure everyone, with or without chronic disease has been in the same boat at one time or another. It’ll pass. Butterflies, rainbows and unicorns ahead. I just know it. 🙂