The past couple days have been rough on me. I have been really emotional and this depressed feeling has been pretty overwhelming. This is by far the longest I have felt this way, so I am definitely looking forward to the morning I wake up and it has passed. It will. Eventually. Until then I will try to stay as positive as possible and try to keep myself occupied so I don’t have to think or feel.
Tuesday I took my feelings out on work, and on my Father. I had absolutely no patience and I was being pretty downright rotten. That in turn made myself felt worse as soon as I left the office, because just because I am miserable, does not give me the right to act that way. I think my Dad knows by now something is wrong when I act that way, and I can only hope he does not take it too personally.
After my long walk on the weekend, I was surprised the only major issues that I had during my massage therapy session was lymph, circulation in my toes, and tightness in my feet. I had an easier time walking and felt a little more detoxed when I was finished my session, then remembered to drink tons of water once I was home to continue to flush out all of the toxins in me. Lots of dead bugs I hope!
At night seems to be the worst time for me with this “emotional roller coaster”. Dave asked me what was wrong that night, and I told him I was really depressed lately. His response to me was, “We all love you.” I then said to him, “It is more than that, and I don’t know why. I hope I snap out of it soon.” Then I rolled over, and sobbed until I finally fell asleep.
I need to snap out of this soon. I have made it so far and made so many accomplishments. I am trying to focus on that to get me through, so I stop tearing up throughout the day. I am a hot mess. Ugh.
I have noticed lately that I keep on having little broken blood vessels pop up. On my arms, my hands, my wrist. Little ruby points. I believe that is a Bartonella thing, and I am wondering if there is a correlation between this Bartonella flair up and the feeling of depression lately. Hmm…
Waking up on Wednesday, I thought to myself that it was a new day, and I was going to be happy. This is going to happen! A positive mind is an amazing thing with great healing powers. 🙂 And I was.. for most of the day.
I felt okay during the morning of my second day of treatment, but by afternoon, I felt like my head and body were in a vice and my feet were beginning to numb. Looking at my toes, they were completely swollen and purple. Not too sure what that was all about, but at that point I was completely out of it and feeling pretty spacey. I decided to call it a it a day at work and got home before I got any worse.
From then on, I curled up in a ball on the couch for the rest of the afternoon and into the night. I decided to go online for a bit, and saw the tag that one of my best friends was out to dinner with a few of my other friends. Then the depression came back in full swing. I feel like I am left behind, and it hurts that I did not get an invite. I don’t get invites to go anywhere on my own, even though I know sometimes I am not be well enough to do something like a dinner with friends. I don’t even get an option. It made me feel even more alone. It made me feel angry. It made me feel sad.
I miss the days that I could just go and do whatever, meet up with people, sing, dance, whatever. I would just go out on my own a lot of the time as I was sure I would see a familiar face to talk to. I am a social person. Being social sitting by yourself on the couch is an awfully hard thing to do.
My head continued on to nitpick at every little thing, like noticing small things like never being tagged in any posts, never getting a picture taken.. almost like I am an embarrassment to be seen with. Like I am not “cool enough” to be associated with. Like I am a secret. The thing is: my brain tells me this part is silly. That it is just Facebook, which is entirely stupid, but it is just a general observation that I made. But I dwelled on it.
I was telling Dave how I was feeling and he told me that it was the Lyme that was causing me to completely overanalyze things, and that I needed to stop worrying about it, but there was no denying that I don’t get any invites anymore and he knew that. He told me maybe it is because I am sick and I might not be able to go. Maybe it is because I cannot drive a lot (he would drive me anywhere for an opportunity to do something). I told him maybe it is just me. He kept reassuring me that it wasn’t true, but that is sure how I feel.
Today I have tried to leave all of this behind, as there really isn’t a ton I can do about it at the moment. I’ll get over it. It just stung like a thousand needles last night.
I woke up to a lovely treat. My stomach has been going haywire lately, as you all may recall. Well… I told you I would let it all out there… and that is just what I did. I shapoopied right in my pajamas the very second I woke up. God damnit. Maybe that’s why no one likes me! LOL It kind of made me want to move from the isolation on my couch to an isolated island with people to drop off food, water, and my meds in Hazmat suits.
By the way, even to make this worse, when I was in my early 20’s, losing control of my bowels was one of my first steps to my downward spiral. After much testing, I was given an IBS and Fibromyalgia diagnosis. At least this one went away for years. I think my stomach is just completely messed up right now. Probiotics and Sach B to the rescue! Oy vey.
A shower and tossing my favorite jammies away, I was off to get my blood drawn. The woman tortured me. On her first try, she jabbed me with the needle and missed a vein. She wiggled and wiggled it around, telling me she could feel a vein somewhere in there. No luck. That is the most awkward feeling, and it wanted to make me barf, as it was not a good mix with taking my beloved Flagyl about 20 minutes earlier. After a few wiggles in my second arm, she finally got a vein and my couple of viles were filled.
The lights bothered me in the waiting room, and I think that threw me off for the rest of the day. I felt shaky and numb. I got the mail and the post office for work and did a deposit, and picked up my blood work results on the way home. I have high albumin levels, which is really no surprise to me, as it is indicative of dehydration. The other test that was high was my EOS%.
This can really mean a variety of things, from autoimmune disease, to drug allergies, to different cancers, to asthma. I am sure it is probably on the lines of autoimmune disease or maybe a bit of a drug allergy, although I have been on all of these meds without any abnormal EOS% in the past. Who knows. I am sure I will get a phone call if there is something to worry about, if they even get the results. The hospital tends to forget a lot. I go back to DC in a month anyways so I can always get some input the next time I see Dr J.
An interesting day for sure. I think it will be an early night. I am pretty drained. Tomorrow is my bomb day, so wish me luck! Bomb day means one very awesome thing though.. Chinese food! 🙂