August Part 13 – Reality

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I wish I could share warm fuzzy feelings of rainbows, butterflies and unicorns, but things haven’t quite worked out that way lately.

 

I have been kind of slacking on my writing lately, but I am sure you all want a break from reading my story. Just kidding. I am awesome and you all miss me. 😉 Maybe…

 

Sorry, I may go back and forth a bit, as my mind is kind of mushy today. LOL Forgive me. I will try not to be confusing. Keyword TRY.

 

Tuesday was my massage day. As I have mentioned before, it isn’t a super relaxing massage, it is therapeutic and also used for lymph drainage.

 

Let me tell you, I am checkerblock full of toxins. When Gayle was working on my neck, I could feel the swollen marble sized lymph nodes yank back and forth. She then uses a gentle touch to get everything “moving”. The connective tissue in the back of my neck was ridiculously tight, and also full of toxins. My feet were extremely tight, but my circulation seemed to improve this week, as my feet were no longer blue (silver lining!). Maybe the decompression procedure with the dried blood in my vein made a significant improvement for me.

 

Wednesday morning started out pretty poorly, as I was feeling really weak and lightheaded. I have gotten a lot of “You look tired” comments lately, and they would all be correct.

 

What they don’t know, unless they have Lyme, (I have seen Gayle for massage and ran into her at the bank, so her comments of tiredness was a-ok as she knows), is that looking tired is a signal of being plain ol’ fucking miserable. Excuse my language. J

 

I got to see Dr S for a chiropractic adjustment, which was much needed. I was hoping to talk to him more about this whole Babesia relapse, but other than him telling me due to my the severity of my illness, I need to be hammered with a good treatment plan, and I suppose that is what I am already doing. It just feels like I am taking 2 steps forward, 3 steps back lately, or however that saying goes. Once again. Mind = mush.

 

That day I also began a cleanse that I thought would be really beneficial. It does have a lot of great ingredients such as vitamins and probiotics, but I found myself by the end of the day with glands so swollen it was hard to swallow, an achy body, a terrible headache, and stomach pains that left me in a ball. The only times I made it off the couch was to rush to the bathroom. I was definitely “cleansing”, and probably lost a good 5 pounds. LOL

 

The following day I actually looked at the ingredients. Aside from the very good ingredients, there were a lot of things that were not good for me. I have been LOADED with candida issues lately, and although one may think that sugar and gluten are the only contributors, one must look for ingredients that CONVERT to sugar. Potatoes. Rice. Etc . Yup. That was my first issue. Second issue was I have a high intolerance to flax seed. Also an ingredient in these beverages. The third was the additives. The packages said low sugar, but there were other processed sugars, that make it look like less sugar. Sugar= candida. There were a lot of “natural flavorings”, which are derived from a lot of bad things. Beaver butt being one along with many others that you cannot pronounce. Right now with my body, I cannot be eating unnatural products.

 

This 3 day cleanse turned into a one day cleanse, needless to say. It was worth a try though! This was entirely my own fault that this happened. My lesson: Although something might have great items, if you are intolerant to food items, read the ingredients before you eat or drink them, or you will pay for it.

 

So Thursday was my “OMG I need to cleanse start up”. Diflucan morning and night. Burbur drops. Lots and lots of water. Very clean eating. My headache remained but the stomach pain finally subsided. That was a doozy so I was grateful for that.

 

It was also my forgetful day. Really forgetful. I guess my head was in the clouds. I don’t technically have to work on Thursdays, but I seem to always show up at one point to accomplish at least something, as I feel like I am a downright crappy employee sometimes, although I do my best and what I am capable of.

 

My goal of the day other than work was to drop of the receipt for proof that Cooper was neutered, as the humane society will mail you a $40 deposit back once you get your animal neutered or spayed.

 

I left the house, and forgot my seizure meds (this seems to be a common theme these days), as well as my wallet. I realized this as soon as I went to the store to grab my coffee, but was able to dig for change in my car to get my coffee before I turned around and headed home to take my meds and grab my wallet.

 

Meds are down. I leave the house once again, and realize I never grabbed my wallet. Oh shoot. And so I turn around again.

 

I finally made my trip to drop off my receipt, and it was a very long drive to go to work. The sun seemed to be shining through the trees, and blasting light. Do you know what I mean? Kind of? Well, I am light sensitive so this was bothering me like crazy. I wanted to close my eyes, but that would be a big no-no driving.

 

I saw my Dad at work before he headed off to his camp in Vermont or the weekend, and he could see that I was a mess. A fever of over 101 once again.

 

This has been about 2 weeks now, and hasn’t gone away. I am not quite sure what do about it. It has not reached over 102 again though, at least when I take my temperature, but it is really making me worry. Hmm…

Nightime was also pretty odd. This symptom has been gone for quite some time now, and it seems to have come back, at least last night it did. The bugs. Out of the corner of my eye. Crawling across the furniture, crawling on my blanket. Seriously. Why.

 

Today has been another rough day. I was a hot sweaty mess when I woke up. After getting out of bed I let the dogs out, and started to black out and felt like I was going to pass out. Luckily, I made it to the couch, and rested, and it took me nearly an hour to get up and going again. After my morning couch visit, my body was screaming at me. My bones, my muscles. The only thing that seemed to be okay was my legs, as they were rubbery. Rubber is okay. Not feeling them is not. So this was still okay.

 

I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I look terrible. My eyes are glossy, I am pale, and there are huge circles under my eyes, as if I haven’t slept for days. My hair is dirty, as I don’t really have the energy to take a full shower. The temperature of the water fluctuates to me, and after a few minutes I am done. I need to get out of there.

 

So dirty hair, and unshaved legs. For awhile. LOL. I did a quick dry shave of my armpits this morning, as I didn’t want to scare anyone as I decided to wear a tank top.

 

I think another part of this carelessness is that the depression hasn’t entirely gone away. And seemed to have gotten a little bit worse in the past few days. I suppose I could push through the task of getting “freshened up”, even if there were consequences, but honestly I just don’t care right now. Blah.

 

I really hope in the next couple of days I have a little bit of blue skies. I have to work this weekend, even though I was given this Saturday off, one of the only Saturdays off in years, but I know where I will be. I want to have enough clarity and feel well enough to do something. Anything really. I want to get out of the house, as treatment will be starting again, and I have the feeling in the back of my mind that it won’t be easy, but I will have to keep on pushing. One more round until I am off to see my LLMD.

 

Happy Labor Day weekend to you all! I hope you all don’t have to work, have beautiful weather, and get to do a little something to brighten your day. 🙂 xo

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “August Part 13 – Reality

  1. Kim is there anything, really anything I can do to help? I put in a 13 hour day at the CP today and all week but SUnday I could do something to make you day easier. Let me know I want to help! PM me. Shopping, a quick spiffy on the house, I know a visit is in order but seems summer flew by and I missed it! Twice pool side – once with family after Moms memorial mass lunch…second time a Monday for a glass of wine all by my lonesome!(not a bad thing LOL( XO
    Feeling guilty so wish I could do something for you.

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