I am almost done with my second week of treatment! It has seemed to go by much faster than I was expecting, so that is a very good thing. Everything has been tolerable, but emotions have definitely been stirred, and some things have been tough.
Tuesday was my massage day. Everything was pretty much the way it always is, with the exception of my leg issue becoming worse, and little circulation going through it. She helped try to get rid of some toxins, as well as work on my feet. She is pretty gentle on my feet when she knows I am on Cipro, but sometimes I feel like extra muscle works out the tightness and pain a bit. Loosens things up a bit.
I was ready to head home and relax, but the afternoon turned out to be nothing but relaxing. My dogs were playing outside (they play pretty rough!), and I called them after awhile to come in, and Cooper’s back, thigh, and butt was COVERED in fresh dog doo. Loose dog doo. Oh. My. God. He isn’t much of a listener, so he ran around the house, getting poo on wherever he went, and I was finally able to grab him and put him into the tub. He freaked out. Shaking, flailing, kicking… making poo go on the walls, all over the tub, our towels, and of course on me. Joy.
I spent the afternoon cleaning, needless to say. I am a bit of a germaphobe, so everything was cleaned, and cleaned again, and then once more. I scrubbed the floors on my hands and knees, heavy cleaners and antibacterial cleaners following Cooper’s tracks. All the towels and my clothes were put in the washer, and I ran it through twice. It was definitely pajama time anyway.
On the positive side, everything in my house was sparkly clean. On the negative side, I pretty much undid everything good about massage, every muscle and joint was killing me, and I was completely exhausted. I could barely stand. But I had a clean house! Oh Cooper Cooper Cooper…
How can you ever be mad at this squishy face? I guess my little story is pretty funny, after the fact.
Yesterday was my ultrasound day. I decided to wait on taking all of my antibiotics, as many I should take with food, and Mepron needs to be taken with something fatty to help with absorption.
I drank my two bottles of water about an hour and a half before I had to leave, swung into town to grab a coffee so it would be there waiting for me in the car when I was all done my testing, and headed over to the hospital. Shortly after I arrived, my name was called, and the woman asked if I had to go to the bathroom. “Hmmm.. I guess I could go?”
She took me into the ultrasound room, gelled up my lower abdomen, and saw that my bladder wasn’t even close to being full. Wow. You would think after that much water you would have to “go”, but I am going with the assumption that I am beyond dehydrated at this point.
Seven cups of water and a half an hour later, I was ready for my exam. I have done a ton of transabdominal and transvaginal ultrasounds, so I knew the drill. The one performing the examination was in training, so a seasoned tech was there to help her do my exam.
I was tired as soon as I was done everything, but knew I had to head home, grab a snack, take all my medications, and head to work. By then, I really wasn’t feeling too hot. I felt pretty weak, foggy, and the bugs stirred up full rage rather quickly.
As I opened the mail, I noticed a paper from the state saying one of our last quarter’s reports was short by $3 and change. I checked the report, and there was no such error, as there was a credit given to us for that exact amount. My Dad asked if I wanted to talk to that person, and I went off on a tangent about how effing stupid they are, etc. etc. etc. I was angry. My Dad called, who has absolutely no knowledge of accounting and bookkeeping, and her explanation as to why the amount was owed, and it was basically a circle of her not looking at the last report that a credit was given. I was yelling over his shoulder while he was on the phone. I was really angry.
It is easier just to pay the small amount, but I knew I was in the right. I think it made me even angrier that I was questioned about it, and I was blatantly correct. It made me angry that he doubted me, and I am sure he still does. I know I make my fair share of small mistakes here and there due to the heavy fog, but I really take the time to do our reports, and make sure they are 100% correct before I send them out.
Writing the ridiculously small check knowing I was right upset me further, and it took all I had to not write it out for $5, telling them they must need the money more than we do, or write the exact amount with a not so nice memo to them.
I have been working as a bookkeeper for over seven years, and have not made one mistake on a report. Not one. It hurts that because I am sick, my ability is doubted, and it makes me feel stupid. My self esteem went down about five notches. Anger brings out stress, so I was pretty much toast for the rest of the day.
For the first time in awhile, as the day went on, nausea kicked in. All I felt like doing was eating, and I learned pretty quickly I definitely picked up the bare minimum for groceries. At least it is nearing the end of the week, and we will shop again soon.
I decided I was going to let it go, and knew deep down I was reacting a bit, well, irrational and crazy because everything in my head was going haywire between the bugs and the toxins. Most of the time, I try to take a moment to take a step back, and think to myself, “Am I overreacting? Would I be this angry on another day?”. I suppose the answer is no. And so I took a deep breathe, and no longer let it get to me.
This morning I was greeted by Cooper, who must have never been put back in his crate when Dave left for work. He sometimes does these things on purpose. 🙂 No pee or poo, nothing was destroyed, so everything was good.
It is one of my lesser antibiotic days. I felt like I was hungover when I got up, but I think that is still from dehydration. I drink and drink and it doesn’t seem to help a bit. Coconut water needs to come back into my life.
I went to the hospital in their medical records department to see just by chance if my ultrasound results were in. They were! I signed my release form and headed out to my car to read them.
I have not spoken with my gynecologist yet, but once again there were no real revelations on my tests. I obviously do not want something seriously wrong with me, but I have been waiting for answers for over a year, with opinions from FIVE doctors now. No one has been able to come up with something or fix my problems. I am sick of waiting and seeing, and don’t like the option I was given of surgery, when my last surgery I had to return to the hospital three times due to an internal infection. I don’t want a willy nilly opinion. I want answers. And I believe I am still at square one with these results.
I do have some small cysts on one of my ovaries again, but not large enough to be problematic, and my uterus shows a heterogeneous echo texture, which basically means it is shaped a little funny. Like I said, no big revelations. I am curious to ask about the endometrial lining, as this time it is 2 mm, which is extremely small for someone who hasn’t had their time of the month in months.
I am getting really sick and tired of not having answers. I hate the wait and see approach, as I keep doing that and there has been no signs of improvement at all. I wonder if there are other tests that could be done, if they are testing for the wrong things, I am not really sure. All I know is something has been wrong for a very long time. I sobbed while telling Dave my results. It is beyond frustrating to continuously have cramping that also goes into your lower back and radiates to your thighs, when I actually have my period, it is very heavy and I am in extreme pain, sometimes to the point of feeling like I am going to pass out. There isn’t any intimate part of Dave and I’s relationship anymore. This is effecting my life terribly, and I am not getting any answers. I am just hoping that I will actually get pointed to the next step, instead of wait another six months to “wait and see”.
My mind was and is about ready to explode, so I decided to get the one thing I was procrastinating on medically, make another leg appointment as I can’t even touch my calf anymore without terrible pain (I am so glad I finally called it won’t be until Oct 31 that I can even be seen!), and then spent the rest of the day doing Halloween costume stuff. It is Dave and I’s favorite holiday and I always look forward to it so much. It took my mind off of the other things. Even though I know my neurological symptoms are much worse than they use to be when it comes to overstimulation, I am determined to at least make an appearance. All I can do is try. I am not going to let this disease rob me of one of my favorite things and I am not going to give up right away. I will put up a fight to be able to enjoy myself as long as possible.
Tomorrow is my last day of my long treatment weeks. I have a few more days next week but I am then going to have a longer break than I have ever had. I am optimistic that Dr J will be right, and that I will be feeling much better. I had a good start to this week, and I feel like if there was less stress going on, it would have been even easier. Stress however, is just a part of life. I just wish things were simple and easy, even just for a little while. Everything will all get sorted out, sooner or later. Wish me luck 🙂