I knew that I would be punished for the past few busy and productive days. Today my body just play crapped out on me. Babesia has reared its ugly head, and I am not happy about it. I am just beginning the longest break in treatment, and this is a bit discouraging. Okay, very discouraging. Dr J thinks a big part of how you are doing is the time off of treatment. This will be our little secret for the time being. I absolutely do not want to message them asking for an in between antibiotic, which has been a common thing in my past to ease my symptoms when I am off treatment. Off treatment yet on treatment… Mind over matter Kimmiecakes…
Last night was another night of chest pains. There was no position laying down that would ease these pains, and I found myself having a hard time breathing. It felt like a giant person was sitting on my chest. Needless to say, it was a night with little sleep, especially considering my bedtime seems to be creeping later and later into the night again. My sleep meds have proved to no longer be effective.
I woke up this morning once again drenched from my night sweats. I needed to get to work early (I actually was earlier than my usual lateness), and found myself spaced out, wandering around the house, trying to remember what I needed to do. Oh yeah.. I suppose I need pants. *Puts on pants* Hmmm.. underwear would probably help. *Takes off pants, puts on underwear, puts pants on again* Where the hell are my socks? This went on for quite some time. I think it was some sort of miracle that I remembered to put on deodorant, especially because I was still sweating bullets, yet my house is only 65 degrees. I slapped a light coat of makeup on my face, knowing it wasn’t worth the time as it was literally sliding off my grease ball face. Ugh.
Luckily, my coworker Mike got most of my work done when I got there, so everything was pretty simple. Simple on a good day. LOL My mind was fried and the fog came over me, and I was beginning to have feelings of depersonalization. Those of you who aren’t familiar with this term, I guess the best way to describe it is that it seems like you are no longer in your body, and are floating above yourself. My body is a puppet, and I am watching myself from below, talking without really being aware, and your body is just well.. puppet like… kind of limp without much feeling or control.
I had to go through some old papers to find some information, and I think that made me go more downhill. I just wanted to get my work done, but I had to help get some information needed as the company is getting a new truck, so we needed the old truck’s information. I also needed to find a bill from a few months ago (I find it scary that bookkeepers are that behind, so I guess that makes me not feel as bad about my work as I am way more on the ball), and there was an error. That particular company has extremely tiny writing, and my eyes can’t really focus to be able to read it, so I must have just tried to use my best judgement to get the correct figure.
You can always tell if it is a good day or a bad day for me at the office, as my handwriting completely changes. Today was a day full of scribbles and white out. I could feel myself beginning to burn up, knowing I had a high fever, and slightly rocking back and forth when I finally got to my daily work. One of the classic Babesia symptoms, air hunger came, and just trying to take a deep breathe was beyond difficult.
Getting ready to leave the office, I had to find a folder for my Dad in the closet, and the closet was bend disastrous. Just a few months ago I had everything clean and organized, and of course it never stayed like that. I began to get really frustrated that I couldn’t find our folders, as nothing was where it should be. I knocked a sewing kit down trying to reach up to the top, dumping everything everywhere, little needles and all. Then began the rage.
On my way out, I could feel my temper tantrum growing, and then came the waterworks. It was definitely time to go home. Part of being upset was the day in the office that wasn’t simple, and my hard work of organizing a disaster went to waste, but a bigger part of it I think was just plain anger that I was feeling so sick once again, and so early during my break.
To add insult to injury, dropping some mail into the post office and grabbing a coconut water next door, rain began to sprinkle on me. Really?! I suppose that is just something to laugh at. The rest of the day will be spent on my couch until it is time to go to bed. The fog is pretty bad, and my body aches. I am emotional and beyond frustrated today.
Sorry for the Debbie Downer post, but I share everything: the good, the bad, the ugly. This disease is real, and some days there is just no way to sugarcoat things. Today is one of those days. I don’t think things should be sugarcoated all the time, because if our stories aren’t heard, no one will really know how this experience can really be.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I am being optimistic with some rest that it will be a better day. I am being optimistic that it will be, and am thinking this is just a day of hard payback. As I always say, rainbows, butterflies and unicorns. That will be in my thoughts, as I just want to get better.