October Part 8 – ZzZzZ

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I have definitely been slacking on my writing lately. I have been beyond exhausted, and trying to get up the “oomph” to get anything written, I have found myself glued to the couch taking lots of naps.

I have been trying to be productive in between being borderline narcoleptic, as Dr J likes to call it, but have been failing pretty miserably. I did happen to be able to go to the grocery store, and pay a hospital bill (my last so the very first time in over two years, I am hospital debt free 🙂 ) but other than that, I haven’t done a whole lot. At least I can pretend to look occupied at work, between checking my email and stalking people on Facebook.

My mysterious pelvic pain has improved a whole lot in the past few days, even though it has still been lingering. However, my stomach has been really saying “no” to just about everything. I decided maybe a good green juice cleanse would be beneficial and possibly reset myself, and I have been keeping up with my probiotics and Sach B.

The classic Babesia symptom, air hunger has been plaguing me, mostly at night, however it has been bothering me all today. Air hunger feels like no matter what you just can’t take a deep breath, making you desperately want air. It almost feels like someone is sitting on my chest. Perhaps a sumo wrestler.

I saw Gayle yesterday for my massage therapy session, and she did a lot of lymph work, and told me my feet were extremely tight, and I had absolutely no circulation in my feet and legs. I felt a lot better when I left her office, and of course passed right out when I got home.

The circulation issues have definitely been affecting my body temperature regulation, as I have been freezing. At nighttime, I am on the couch not only under my two thick blankets, but also my winter jacket. I asked Dave if it was cold in the house, and his reply was, “I am sitting here in my underwear, do you think it’s really that cold in here?” No. I guess not.

Today I made my best effort after my few hours of work to do some cleaning, as we are having a realtor come and look at our house tomorrow. I have the feeling that Dave is going to turn into a drill sergeant as soon as he gets home wanting the house immaculate, but I really don’t have it in me. She is deciding what the house could possibly sell for, I don’t think a full laundry basket will be a deciding factor. Oy. Needless to say, I have been a bit irritable with Dave. At least I have left it irritable, and haven’t turned to any sort of crazy Kimmiecakes Lyme rage. Yet..

We had a cleaning spree late last night, as I had a redo of one dog falling in poo outside, and the other threw up a few literal softball-sized balls of grass on the carpet. Needless to say everything was vacuumed, scrubbed and Lysoled. Seriously, only me. LOL

I have been doing my finishing touches on our Halloween costumes and although I have said I wasn’t going to let anything get to me, I might have lied just a little. I am getting anxiety. Anxiety that I will not do well at all, or set myself up for another seizure, which I keep telling myself that I can’t be afraid of what I have no control over, and I need to just relax about it. Anxiety about others that will be there. Perhaps judgement and assumptions about me, maybe because I am going to do my darndest to try to enjoy myself and keep a smile on my face, people will make the generalized assumption about those with chronic illness that things are an exaggeration, or attention-seeking.

Those who truly know me will know this is so far from the truth, but although I try to think I don’t care about what people think of me, I do. I think any person that says that to some degree does care, and they are a straight up lier.

All I can say about my fears of judgement is walk one day in my shoes. If you are not strong enough you will absolutely hate your life. At least I have chosen to stay as strong as I can be and held positivity when I know I have reason not to be. I chose happiness, and making the best of a horrific experience.

Like I said, I can’t help things that I can’t control, and this is Dave and I’s “thing”. I can only hope that it will be good to go out even if I don’t make it the few hours.

Wish me luck, luck on the house, luck that everything will go smoothly this weekend. Luck that I will be able to stay relaxed for the rest of the week and take it easy. Luck that I won’t get beaten up anymore and the sumo wrestler can get off my chest so I can finally breathe, Luck that my  green juices tomorrow to help my stomach don’t taste of vomit. Haha. You get the idea. 🙂

5 thoughts on “October Part 8 – ZzZzZ

  1. My heart cries out for you. I pray that God will help you to improve soon. This is my life, every day. Air hunger, blocked lymph system, 20% functional EVERY DAY. It is getting to where I am preparing to have to live this way. I cannot afford any treatment. My relationship with God is my life line. I totally get how you feel about what others think. Me being a nurse, I have seen all the judgments all there…..doctors seeming to decide that it is in my head as soon as they see me walk in; to visiting with anyone of friends and family. I cannot go to church. I cannot go to the grocery story. For one such as I, thank you for sharing all of this. As much as I hate it for you, it somehow helps to know that I am not alone.

  2. I feel the same way, especially these past few weeks. The things I need to get aren’t and I feel sooo guilty. It’s like a snowball rolling down a hill.I also can’t afford treatment and the regular doctors think I’m nuts. I even thought the new young Dr at my PCP would be up to date on Lyme and got brave enough to talk to her about it. She wants me to go to a mental health facility and won’t prescribe my migraine medicine until I get seen by them. It’s so unfair. I can’t help to cry when I talk about it, I am so different than I was before. Faith keeps me a float, that and my beautiful children.

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