November Part 9 – I Am Still Okay

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It has been a long few days. My cold seems to be getting a little bit better, as I no longer have a stuffy nose, but my breathing issues are still sticking around. My throat is sore, but not like a normal sore throat. It almost feels irritated and swollen. Hmmm. All I can do is rest, and try to do some heavy detoxing.

Saturday I got to sleep in, just past 10:00. I still felt exhausted, but much more refreshed than I have been in awhile. I accomplished a lot at work as things were piling up on my desk taking two whole days off.

I decided I was well enough to have dinner with the “make a wish couple”, which was a nice little break from everything. A new restaurant opened just up the road from me, and my company I work for supplies their seafood, so I knew it would be awesome. 😉 I did however, pay for my evening dearly.

In the middle of the night, I woke up, barely able to breathe. My heart felt like it was going to explode in pain. Trying to take a breath in, and breathing out were excruciating. My left shoulder was killing me, as well as my left side of my neck. Breathing issues are always very scary.

As a little background information, about two years ago I had an incident much like this one during heavy antibiotic treatments, and I was going to wake up Dave, but looked over to him, seeing him so peaceful in his sleep, and decided not to wake him. At that point, in that moment, I completely gave up. I thought to myself I could possibly die in my sleep, and I was accepting of that.  I was so sick, with everything under the sun going on, from pancreatitis to liver issues, to severe anemia, to hemochromatosis… the list goes on.

I already felt like I was “gone”, not quite knowing how sick I was at the time. I was seeing doctor upon doctor, getting blood work several times a week, the hospital became my second home. I was literally just taking up space. A vegetable most of the time. I lost all my freedoms. I knew that I was very sick, but at the time I really didn’t know how sick I was. I decided the rest of the night was in god’s hands. I somehow fell back asleep, and woke up knowing that I needed to keep fighting, and had a moment of weakness, completely giving up hope. That is not me at all. But in that moment it didn’t seem like such a bad idea. It breaks my heart that I have ever felt that way.

Saturday night, I didn’t give up. I had no idea what was going on, but I woke up Dave. Peaceful sleeper Dave. I knew I needed help, and I didn’t have a moment of giving up. He helped me sit upright, as it seems to help with my breathing, and sat by my side to make sure I was okay or if it would have been best to bring me to the ER. He got me some baby aspirin as we did not know if it was related to any of my heart issues or blood clotting disorder, and I took them. I sat upright and tried to breathe very slowly, and it seemed to get a little better. Sitting upright, completely exhausted, taking shallow breathes, I was finally able to fall asleep.

I know I am better than I was two years ago. A lot better. I have written in the past that I truly believe that if one can complain or talk about how sick they are, they are still okay. If you can talk about how sick your are, complain about how you are functioning, your aches and pains, whatever symptom that is plaguing you, you are still okay.

Life may suck, but you are still okay. If you do not have the ability to even voice your illness, you are in terrible place. That may sound odd, but I guess that is the best way to explain it.

When you can voice your illness, however, I feel like you may feel every single bit and piece of your illness WORSE than one who is much much sicker. I am there right now, doing better than I was when I started this journey. Being a disastrous mess, I was just “there”. Now I go through the processes of feeling the excruciating pain, the nausea, the depersonalization, brain fog, the tiredness….every little bits and pieces of Lyme and its several coinfections.

But being so ill, blending in with the furniture, staring into outer space for hours, it is all just a part of you just being “there”. There is so much evil going on inside of you, you have no idea how sick you are. Needing a wheelchair, constant vomiting, seizures, losing control of your body (from A to Z), needing help washing your hair and someone to bathe and help dress you, you don’t have a clue how bad things really are. Like I said, you are no longer there, you are “gone”.

Being better than I was, all these bits and pieces hit you like a ton of bricks. Even though I am going downhill and undoing a lot of the progress I have made, I need to think to myself that I am still okay. I can feel every little bit of this, so I am still okay. Remembering this brings a level of positivity, knowing I am no longer where I was. I can still feel. That means there is even more hope. Strength to continue to fight.

Sunday I was wiped out. Big raccoon circles around my eyes, every muscle ached and my eyes and back of my head hurt. My shoulder was still extremely painful, yet my arms were limp. My fingers lost most of their feeling, so I sat at work tapping away at the keyboard, trying to be able to touch all the keys correctly. I haven’t gotten a phone call from the bossman, so I think I still did okay. 🙂

It was a long drive home and I spent the rest of the day and evening on the couch. I could barely keep my eyes open but was able to stay awake, knowing I constantly make my sleeping schedule worse by falling asleep for a few hours in the evening. A Roseanne marathon kept me awake. LOL Don’t judge.

Today is the first day of my third round of treatment. How would I describe it? I think someone pissed in my non-existent cheerios. I had received a phone call about helping an employee get a loan, and I had already spent an hour filling out forms verifying information on employment. After trying to explain things to her over and over again, I snapped.

I told her I am too busy for her sh*t and she needed to just walk her fat ass over to the fax machine and resend the form that she read what was supposedly not on the form. I then proceeded to tell her to open her god damn eyes since she is reading the information off to me that she “didn’t have”, so it was clearly filled out correctly, and she couldn’t seem to comprehend that.

I then proceeded to tell her to learn how to send a pdf file since she was too lazy to get up off her desk and just fax the paperwork over again. I ended with, “I don’t know what to tell you, you’ve wasted an hour of my day and I’m getting behind because you have no clue about what you are doing, thanks for that, bye.” *slams the phone down*

Yup. I got off the wrong side of the bed, there was pee in my cheerios. I was hot and sweaty already, felt my classic Bactrim feeling, like my body is drying like a prune, with nothing quenching my thirst, and my eyes completely drying out. I had a headache in the very back of my head, I was sore, and just plain tired. And apparently very aggravated.

I was snippy the rest of the work day, not having information that is suppose to be in files to do some end of the year reports. At least I know it wasn’t my Lyme brain fault this time. 🙂 I did what I could for the day and made my way home.

Hopefully I will be a little kinder for the rest of the day and I won’t be in crazy Lyme rage mode. Dave doesn’t deserve it. That lady perhaps did. 🙂 Just kidding. Maybe. But, based off of my background story and mini rant, I know no matter how this week goes with treatment, I am still okay.

It is cyber Monday, my type of shopping. I am sure many of you that can’t make it to the stores feel the exact same way. Maybe there will be some good finds! 🙂 Happy Monday everyone! Don’t be a crabby patty like me. Don’t forget to smile. 🙂

2 thoughts on “November Part 9 – I Am Still Okay

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