Maybe the chlorella is kicking in and I am detoxing. Maybe I am finally herxing from all of my meds. There is really no way of knowing for sure. All I know is the past few days have been miserable.
I am currently still in the process of switching my seizure meds to the dosages and adding what I needed to, but I know myself to know slowwwww is the way to go with this. I have a very bad reaction to cutting things out and adding things too quickly. Even the small changes have caused me to wake up much later, and I am much less coherent in the morning. On a good note, I do feel like I have slept better. I will give it that, and that is a silver lining, but I am waking up wanting more. Much more.
I have been dealing with stronger emotions and paranoia lately. I have been short tempered (I had a flip out Lyme rage, lots of swearing phone call with FedEx) , and keep feeling like everyone hates me, and am always afraid everyone is mad at me. I am getting down on myself, feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything, that I serve no purpose. I know I could have had the potential to be something, to do great things, and now it seems so far out of site. I know this is only temporary. I know my brain is just being a pain, but it is not fun in the meantime.
Recently I had a little argument with Dave. Okay… maybe not an argument, but somewhat of a debate. I had noticed that with conversations with friends and family, he always says that I am doing good. I asked him why am I always good, why there isn’t a whole lot of truth in it. Do I want people to feel sorry for me? Absolutely not. But it kind of struck a cord with me.
His theory with his replies is that it make people not worry, and they know I am sick. he says everyone knows I have to go to DC for treatment still. I don’t really think that though? I still feel like I am falling, and I feel like when his replies are that way, then there are assumptions I am great. I am cured. It kind of solidified in my mind that although Dave supports everything I do, he loves me, he takes care of me, that the bottom line is he really doesn’t understand. I mean after all… he needs to still do just about everything for me, even sit and make sure I am okay if I need to shave or wash my hair, and I give up on most days that I need to wash my hair because I know when to say when… I know my limits. How is that “doing good”?
You don’t get it unless you are living it. He told me that I haven’t said anything, and he no longer even notices tics or stutters, the way I walk has just become what it is so it doesn’t even phase him. I told him the bottom line is that is how it has always been. I do not complain.
That might be my own fault, because if I don’t say anything, they don’t know. Something has to be seriously wrong, I know most people go to the ER for far less, because I don’t complain. I don’t want to deal with more doctors, especially ER doctors if I can tough it out.
I honestly do the same thing. When I see others they always ask how I am doing or how it is going, and I always reply, “It’s going”, “good”, “fine”, that sort of thing. Let’s be real here. In reality no one wants to hear a laundry list of shit. They want to get their coffee, their mail.. whatever and not hear woes. Get in and out of where they are going and what they are doing. It is small talk.
Is this normal? Should I have felt a little annoyed by this? I do the same thing.. so it is one of those things everyone will probably have their own opinion about it. Maybe I am just a neurotic mess. That is a huge possibility.
Today I ran a lot of errands, after doing some dub stuff at work. I made it about an hour and a half until my brain was fried. Instead of going home, I really didn’t have the option to because I had skipped everything I needed to get done yesterday. Yesterday, I was about an hour and a half late for work, and made a big ordering mistake. Luckily it was caught when the guys were purchasing items in the city. There could have been way too much fresh fish in the truck. That would have sucked. Big time.
I started my juice cleanse to continue my heavy detox, I ordered some more of my neuro meds, then headed to my new GP to give them a copy of my new blood work. By then, I was walking like a drunk person, my eyes were about as dark as Alice Cooper wearing his makeup, and I had a yelling tic “AHHHHH” right in the woman’s face that was working at the front desk. I told her Dr S was concerned about my iron levels, and they said they would call if they thought I should come in earlier for my next appointment in a month. They did call back a few hours later, and didn’t seem to be as concerned as Dr J was. They told me to keep up with my binding supplement, and we will go from there. I will keep working at it, and see what else I can do. I would like to do some more research about anything and everything that might need to be tested for, research more possible abnormalities that could be issues that they are missing. I am not giving up on everything. I am fighting hard, and advocating for myself.
I am home sweet home. My feet are completely numb, I am freezing, and I am in so much pain. My legs, thighs, arms, neck… everything hurts. Well, except my numb feet. I am in a fog, so my blog probably sucks today. Haha. Don’t judge. It is usually pretty awesome and I am sure you would agree. If you don’t, then you clearly don’t know what you are talking about.
I have some good things to look forward to! I am hoping it will bring out some of the rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns in me that I know are there, they are just in hiding. Dave and I are going on a mini vacation up north to the mountains. I think there is a pool and hot tub, and there are some great restaurants, my tattoo shop (I would love to get some new jewelry for my ear piercings!), and an army barracks store that Dave likes to browse in. My Mom recommended me to bring my wheelchair, but I might just rough it. Knowing it is sitting in my car is kind of a Debbie Downer.
It is a treat to get away for a day or two, even though I always feel guilty leaving my dogs. I always miss them and worry about them, even though I know they are just with my parents. We are both like that every time we leave for overnights. We actually came home from our honeymoon early because we missed our dog so much. LOL. That is just how we are. Dave and I don’t have kids and perhaps never will, so in the meantime, these are our children. Call us ridiculous, whatever. :p
The second good thing is the Super Bowl. To be honest it isn’t so much about the Pats, it is about snack foods. Pigging out on meatballs, spinach dip, anything I can get my hands on. Wine. It is a free-for-all of eating and drinks (even though I know two is definitely my limit on the wine), but I basically do whatever the heck I want. Normalcy. Fun.
AND… Grey’s is back tonight. And How to Get Away With Murder. Yesss…. it has been a long wait. I can only hope I can stay up long enough to watch them!
So.. that is about it for the past few days. Happy Thursday everyone, hang in there, the weekend is almost here. 🙂