Ions ago I had a few blog requests. I have obviously been slacking on these requests, but on a snowy day, it is a good opportunity to get crackin’ on answering questions.
What was life like before Lyme? Well.. before you-know-what hit the fan since I had gone many years unknowing that I was sick. What are some of my dreams and goals? How do I see my life once I reach remission?
Life before Lyme. I feel like that term is sort of a B.C./A.D. sort of thing. I loved life. I loved people. I loved to work. I loved myself.
There was nothing better to me than going out with friends for drinks and dancing. Dancing…. that is the second thing I miss the most. I was one of those types of people who never had a problem going out on my own, because I knew I would bump into someone, and I wasn’t shy to meet new people. Most of the time though, I had one of at least one of my partners in crime.
Being physically active was very important to me. You could easily find me at the gym several days a week, whether to use their equipment, or to take a class. When I got home from job #1, I would take my dog for a walk, tidy up, then head off to job #2. I loved to be outside. Target shooting (I am quite the marksman..err…woman), and going out rock crawling and mudding in Dave’s wheeling rig all day was fun to me. Going for trips around the lake with Dave on his motorcycle was so much fun, and a good way to get a nice tan. 😉
I worked. A lot. Even from the time I was a full-time student in college, I have always had two jobs. I helped grade papers and wrote articles to be sent to newspapers in college, I work for my Father running the office side of his business, and I used to waitress. Many people have the thought in their mind that waitressing is for college kids, but I will tell you that it is a great extra source of income (sometimes I would make even more waitressing!), and a great way to meet people. I worked for a restaurant for many years that tended to have much older patrons, and for them, it was their highlight of their evening.
It wasn’t just food, it was an experience. They loved to hear my stories, and I enjoyed listening to theirs. Many of the customers were regulars, so we knew them all by name and could guess their order, and already started to make their drinks as they walked thru the door. It was a great place to work, and I miss it, and everyone there. The customers, my coworkers. Maybe next year I will be back at it again. 🙂
I don’t have children ( I am not too sure that will ever be in my future), but I have my Great Dane mix, Chance. He has put up with a lot. Within a week his life changed as much as mine. I always found the time for him, between walks and swims, and it changed for him watching my Lyme rages, such as screaming and breaking things in my house, to me spending the past few years on the couch. I scared him. It seems like he has forgiven me, and he spends a lot of his time right next to me while I am on the couch, resting his head next to me. Dogs always know when something is wrong. He will get his walks and swims again someday.
I miss Dave the most. He has been there for me throughout all of this, but it is not the same. He has become my caregiver, from having to carry me around the house, bathe me, push me around in my wheelchair. He took over the grocery shopping duties and some of the chores around the house. There is no more intimacy in our lives. You can tell in his eyes that he is heartbroken, that I am no longer “me”, and cannot be doing all the fun things with him and keep him company. We no longer have a sexual relationship. He is amazing for living with this disease. Many people forget that a chronic illness is not about you, it affects those around you. Don’t forget how blessed you can be with someone who stands by your side. They may feel just as alone as you may be.
There are so many goals I would like to reach. It makes me sad but I know being strong and having hope I will reach all of them. I want to have the relationship with Dave I once had. I want to travel, and finally get to go on my Hawaii vacation. Our entire trip was booked and we had to cancel it all over two years ago. We have always wanted to just go to the airport and pick a flight with complete randomness, just to go explore a place we have never been.
Someday I am still unsure, but I would like to publish my story. Although I do my blogging, I am not sure if enough people would be interested in the story of a controversial topic and what I have to say. I know it would be a lot of work. I am still pondering that goal, but that might be in my future.
I want to do a Tough Mudder competition. The Tough Mudder competition is an intense course that tests your strength and endurance. This would be a huge challenge that would drive be to be fit once again, but it would feel amazing to know that I could do it and make it the whole way thru.
I could do anything in my future. I was in a serious accident when I was a teenager. With my neurological issues, I have been extremely limited to the distance I can drive. Highways absolutely terrify me, even as a passenger. I want to change that. I know I will never be able to drive at night because of vision issues, but Dave could be the passenger for a change. I want to get my motorcycle license.
I will dance once again.
I will have to change a lot. I think of myself much differently now that I am sick. I will have to come back out of my shell. Once you are confined to a little prison, your perception of yourself, of others, and of the world changes. Everything seems scary and unobtainable that I never put a second thought in. All I can do is remember that this is all temporary. I will get my life back, I will reach these goals. When that time comes, I will have such an appreciation of everything that I had never had before. For all of you reading that do not have a chronic illness and are interested in my story, never forget that life is a blessing. The little and big things are a blessing. I hope this answered your questions, and I hope others in the same situation can relate. Love you all, thank you for your support!