I wish I could say that I have been doing well, but that would be a lie. Sleeping has been my theme lately, as it seems like it is the only thing that has allowed me to escape nothing less than torment. Other than completing my absolutely necessary daily tasks, I have done nothing. I have lost all motivation.
I was very hesitant to share about this nightmare. Partially because I don’t want pity, partially because I get embarrassed like I am doing something wrong, and last but not least, because I don’t want to worry anyone. Although this is anything but fun and I feel insane, I know it will pass. I will be okay.
I guess I would best describe everything is that I have two brains. One, that fills my head with intense paranoia. I feel like I am hated and no one cares about me. I feel like I have such little self worth, and I am angry at the world.
Then comes the hallucinations that come to me every night. I see things out of the corner of my eye. The man that is walking through my kitchen, and the man peering into the window while I lay on the couch. The bugs. So many bugs.
It then gets deeper. The voices in my head continue with the paranoia, anxiety, the feeling of not being loved, and the loneliness is so overwhelming. I keep having these feelings that something terrible is about to happen. A sense of impending doom. I begin to wonder if anyone would miss me if I was gone. Should I just pull a Thelma and Louise? No one would care. I surely wouldn’t be missed. I can’t. I just can’t. That would make me a sinner. A quitter.
I spent a few afternoons crying. I literally could not stop until I forced myself to go to sleep. Every afternoon and evening I have been passed out. I think maybe feeling like this is also contributing to the exhaustion.
At least I have that other part of my brain. The one that makes me realize that this isn’t real. I create situations in my mind that are completely fictitious. This part of my brain is stronger than all of this, and as I mentioned before, knows that this will all pass. I know that I have value, that people do care, and that I am loved. I know that I am brave and a fighter. I hold onto this side of my brain with all of my might.
I talked with a friend who is in treatment that has been dealing with the same struggle. It was nice to have someone to talk to, although I would not wish this feeling upon anyone. Unfortunately, although Dave is literally my rock, this issue is just plain one of those things I cannot talk to him about. He doesn’t understand depression, and any conversation usually makes me feel even worse. I should note it isn’t like he doesn’t care, nor is he mean to me, but he just doesn’t say the right things to make me feel better. I am not sure what he could say to make it any better though, realistically . So I guess between him and me, it is my little secret.
Could these mind tricks be from encephalitis, as I have had a long history of this, effecting mostly my right temporal lobe? The Cipro? Bartonella just plain being an asshole? I am not really sure. All I know is that I need to detox to get all of these poisons out of me.
Hmmm… other than my insanity, what has been going on? I was bit by another tick, which was fabulous. I wanted to get a little sunshine, so I sat outside on a towel in my bathing suit. After less than 10 minutes, I felt a bite on the back of my head. I actually felt the bite! It was a full grown deer tick.
I have enough tick borne illnesses that I could fill a Bingo card, so instead of getting that thirsty bloodsucker tested, I burned it. Do not do this if you don’t have Lyme, or if you only have Lyme and no coinfections. Get the tick tested, please and thank you. Needless to say, I packed it in and went back to the couch. My tick free couch.
I have had two heart events since my last entry. The first being that I got up out of bed too fast. The second, I was getting ready for bed. Just brushing my teeth, washing my face, and putting on my pajamas, and ended up blacking out. Once again, my phone call from the hospital saying it is tachycardia from an unknown origin.
No word on my really high liver test, from anyone. Super. I don’t have the energy to chase after these doctors that I want to slap, so I am just assuming that it is okay. I am also still waiting on my one in a million rare adrenal tumor results.
That darn test left me in so much pain this week. I was thinking that maybe the weather was contributing to my leg and hip pain, and then it dawned on me. Doing the “squat” to pee in the jug killed my body. Kind of pathetic, that I no longer have any sort of muscles to be able to handle peeing in a jug. Another round of PT might be in my future, to learn some new exercises, and go over my old ones once again as a refresher. Thank goodness Gayle has her magic powers, and was able to get rid of most of the pain.
Dave and I being the dorks that we are, celebrated our dog Chance’s 4th birthday. Although we didn’t burst out singing with a cake and candles, we pestered him all day with extra attention, and got him and Cooper bones.
I am feeling a little clearer today. I am remaining positive. I am looking at the little things, such as this shirt I don’t remember buying (thanks Lyme brain) that make me laugh. As I opened this mystery package, Dave and I could not stop laughing. This is probably the most ridiculous thing I have purchased yet. A bedazzled kitty wearing an Indian headdress, and even has a faux leather piece of the headdress poorly glued to the shirt. I decided to wear it today… just because. 😉
I also took a shower, and washed my hair. Dave reminded me that I have been seriously slacking in the hygiene department, at least it wasn’t cruel harassment, but it was definitely time to take care of myself a little bit better. It was refreshing, and putting on some makeup and styling my hair gave me a little boost. For everyone’s sake, this is definitely a good thing.
Although I wasn’t well enough to go to the store today as I really wanted to grab a few things, I at least managed to do a little light cleaning and threw a batch of laundry in the wash. I am also planning on making a nice dinner for Dave and myself. This is probably the most I have done in quite some time. I am also pretty ecstatic that looking at my work hours this week, this will be the record of the most hours I have worked in over TWO YEARS. It will only be 28 hours, but hey, that is pretty awesome. Keep on keeping on, Kimmiecakes. 🙂