October Part 2 -Hmm.

There has been a lot going on this month! Right now, I am focusing on fixing broken pieces, trying to get myself together in order to get well. It hasn’t been a good month, but I at least had a moment I was able to get out there and not be a hermit and enjoy myself for awhile. Halloween is my favorite and I pushed myself with a lot of mind over matter and a nice long nap before going out with Dave and my friends.

I had an appointment with Dr. S and there is a lot to work on. Thank god he writes notes about the appointment, I was about to crash and fall asleep so I was completely out of it.

He actually ended up telling me to head home and make another appointment, see how I do with my new supplements and skip my chiropractic adjustment for the day.

He saw my pictures of the bloat and stomach issues. I am going to give a little side note and some words of wisdom before I continue on.

SIDE NOTE: If there is something funky.. mysterious rashes, swelling, anything really……..TAKE PICTURES, ALWAYS!!!
A) It is easier to just show a picture of what has been going on if whatever it was isn’t there anymore for your appointment time.
B) They can’t help you if they don’t know what it is just by your explanation.
C) You can kinda sound like you are full of shit, especially if you are seeing a new doctor without proof.
D) Seeing is believing.

He takes my word for it either way, as I have had a good and long relationship as a patient with him… but… not exactly knowing without that picture really isn’t super helpful. Especially if you are a mumbly, stuttery blob in the chair, in my case tweaking and cringing as well.

Okay. Back to my story. No more amoxicillin for me. As you saw on my last blog entry, I am definitely bloated terribly and am having really bad stomach issues. The game plan for this week until I see him again is to work on my stomach issues. Lots of pre and probiotics, digestive enzymes, oil of oregano, GI Integrity, switching to magnesium citrate to try to get me poopin’ normally again.

Not going for several days apparently is an issue even though I am not straining and just forgetting, and I have always had issues with my liver so I guess it isn’t helpful to it and I am very toxic.

Well, nada. Zero difference. It stinks to get a bunch of stuff thrown at me but nothing seems to be working.

When I go back I am going to do further testing, to perhaps pinpoint more about the bacteria, as I already had a test that showed I had a pretty severe bacterial infection, but learning more might help with a treatment plan.

Gut health is so imperative to any sort of healing. It is worrisome that working on diet for gut infections, particularly SIBO, supplements, the probiotics etc. are not touching this. We will get it figured out. It is really important to be on track and I know I just need to be patient.

The next thing on the agenda was kind of random. But Dr. S kind of seemed baffled all of my gynecologists that I have seen in this past year showed zero concern I have not had a period in over a year. That’s a long time! I certainly haven’t missed it. Dr S. wants me to be back on track, and hormones are definitely out of whack if it has been this long.

Progesterone cream it is. I have started that but have still yet to finally get my period. I kind of feel like I am a ticking time bomb and am going to eventually blow, and possibly bleed to death as it has been so long. Haha. Only kidding.

I am only 5 days in and woke up this morning with hellacious cramps. As you know, if you have followed my story (you should, I’m awesome), I have endo and it isn’t fun at all.

I was so late for work. I was in so much pain that I was dry heaving and kept on blacking out. I looked at the clock and pushed myself as hard as I could to get my shit together and make it through the day. I actually am pretty busy with lots to do, and a dinner I need to go to tonight, ugh.

I grabbed a coffee at the gas station on my way to work, and decided to buy a box of tampies, just in case. I actually had to look at the different boxes like, “what are these? I forgot all about you guys! ” LOL Like I said, I am pretty sure it is brewing.

Sorry if that is graphic or gross to you talking about my time of the month. Or that time in well over a year. Whatever. I promised you all the good, the bad, the ugly.

My Tourette’s hasn’t been as bad, but I am still doing the cringes and hand raising and a few “bahh!!!”s at night. I can deal with that all though. It is what it is.

Fantastic news.. I have CHRONIC EBV/MONO… No, this is not just flares people get that already have it in their system and it gets reactivated. That is common with Lyme.

I have it all the time. 24/7. 365 days a year. Not a days break in between. Okay, that really isn’t fantastic news.

What to do? I have been on several antiviral herbals, but unfortunately there is no cure for mono. Rest and all that good stuff. I certainly get enough rest! Haha. I added monolaurin (spelling?) to my antivirals I am already taking. Hopefully it will finally get deactivated.

I asked the risks involved, and I guess you are at a much higher risk for cancer if you are in the situation I am in. I have so much crap going on, I am not going to even be scared about it. I just want those viruses to simmer down and go away.

Once again, reoccurring theme, I am still sleeping my life away. It keeps getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do about it. I almost get in a panic if I can’t go fall asleep somewhere.

I had to sleep after seeing Dr S after my brief appointment to get my back cracked and we decided on further testing for stomach bacteria. (Yes, I know I had already mentioned this but I have taken forever to write an update and have been writing bits and pieces for about a week now.) I was toast.

That day was yesterday, an 18 hour of sleep day. And I will tell you, I am so exhausted today. It hasn’t made a difference. I seriously want to cry because I feel like this has taken over my life.

Giving a disclaimer to those who suffer from chronic illness can have extreme fatigue, I am not downplaying or minimizing anyone else in my post today with my personal ongoing issues. It sucks all around for everyone.

I have been through the chronic illness fatigue and I will tell you this is beyond different. Something is very wrong. I have been through hell and back with this illness, and this is honestly making me scared.

I can’t wait until I see the sleep doctor. I will obviously mention the mono issue. But everyone seems to think it is something more, most likely narcolepsy with the array of symptoms I have. I know my body, and this isn’t just a mono issue.

I hope I get some answers and help. This is seriously destroying my life and making it really hard to continue to make strides in improving.

I have been trying to do things. We were invited the other day to watch the football game with friends right down the street. Nope. Slept thru it and we didn’t make it. I have to sleep for hours before trying to go anywhere, if I am able to get out of bed at all.

3 hours for a quick dinner, several hours to make it to go to a Halloween party with friends. It is one of the very few things I look forward to every year. It was a major struggle.

I also feel like an asshole to Olive as I have to put her in her crate if I can’t leave her in our fenced in yard, it has been too cold or rainy. I hate doing that when I am home but I need to sleep. She is a troublemaker and can’t be trusted though, but I really feel mean to do that to her.

I still have my classic Babesia symptoms, not seemingly as bad, but Bartonella has come out to play. Bartonella feet hurt a lot at night. Anxiety, anger, and paranoia. I am entirely oversensitive.

Each and everyday I have moments when I freak out thinking no one cares about me, my friends hate me, Dave is annoyed by me… I make up all these scenarios. And I think it so much it becomes real.

Obviously it is not, but it is still real very to me. I need to just try to relax and know that this isn’t reality, I am putting this all in my head. It is like I need reassurance from my friends and Dave… but the thing is.. IT IS ALL IN MY HEAD!

It will pass, it always does. It seems like it comes and goes in waves. But in the meantime I hurt pretty badly purely by my imagination.

The hallucinations have calmed down a bit though… Dave at least hasn’t had to pick through my food for spiders. 😉

My happy moment was Halloween. It was hard and I paid for it dearly for several days. I was lucky, there was plenty of places to sit and it wasn’t a crazy wild party or anything. We had so much fun and I was so glad to get out. I actually did okay. There was a few moments little waves hit me but I always came to and enjoyed myself. Again though, even though I was clearly invited I felt the crazy fake scenarios in my head of paranoia, I did try to be as much of a social butterfly as I could be.

I love homemade costumes. This year just wasn’t the same for me. I am usually ready at least a month in advance, and plan forever, but this was literally the day before I put our costumes together. I think I did alright though.

A goal I need to work on is to really get back to a ritual of my daily exercises given to me by my PT, and use the bike again. Suck it up when I am all disoriented waking up, or do it first thing in the morning even if it screws me up for the rest of the day.

My massage therapist warned me that I am losing muscle in my legs. This is the first time I have been told this. Since I have been really sick and a couch potato, over 4 years ago, I still had a bit of muscle. It was likely because I was so fit and active before my body said, “when”.

That’s not good at all. I mind over matter a lot of stuff and have done amazing things throughout my Lyme journey, but I will admit lately I have been slacking on the exercise. Really truly slacking.

And it makes a big difference with POTS as well. I need to boost my circulation. It isn’t fun to have to turn the shower off and curl into a ball on the shower floor because you are going to pass out.

Yup. A goal. Well it shouldn’t be a goal. I need to dedicate time to do this, even if I often sleep 15+ hours a day now. 10-20 minutes is a heck of a lot better than nothing.

Wish me luck with everything. Told ya, I have a lot going on!

Have a great day everyone!

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And of course, Miss Olive. I have no clue how the heck she got up there. My Queen of the mountain.
 

September 7th 2012- 4 Years

The beginning of this month was my four year anniversary of the beginning of this Lyme journey. Ick. Four years?

I know there are a lot of people who have been through many more years of this struggle, but this still really stinks!

I have had Lyme and several fun coinfections for most of my life, about 25 years. Symptoms built up more and more and I really started to crash when I was in my early twenties, and at 25, I finally found my answer.

It was the day I wobbled into Dr S’s office with a bum leg that I could no longer feel. You could have probably have hacked it off with a saw and I would not have noticed. September 7th, 2012. A day I will never forget, a day that will remain imprinted in my mind.

Once I started treatment, shit hit completely hit the fan and I have not been the same ever since. My doctor asked me once, “Would you do this all again? Start treatment? Now knowing what it has done?”

Kind of a loaded question. Yes and no I suppose as I think about it now. This disease is absolutely miserable.

As I had mentioned, when you start treatment having chronic Lyme, coinfections, MCIDS, or whatever you prefer to call it, especially for so long, it is going to hit you, and HARD.

The question to myself is if I didn’t start treatment, where would I be now? Or how much worse would this be? Would it be worse? I might be better off doing exactly what I have done for this reason.

Would I have leveled out on my own and somewhat suppressed the infections like I had for all those years? Symptoms were certainly there, but I was still “me”. I’d just have to deal with the symptoms I had.

This year I definitely had my ups and downs. There has been some huge accomplishments. Going shopping on my own, not needing a babysitter for some tasks, finally getting my POTS diagnosis, walking the beach, I did very well for not being on antibiotics and taking a break. I didn’t immediately fall apart.… the list goes on.

The biggest downfall is that I reached a point that I just plain couldn’t tolerate treatment anymore. I just couldn’t do it anymore. My body began to reject the antibiotics and I ended up with a gut infection.

I slowly have begun to crash. My nasty coinfections have come back to play, my tics have returned, and I keep getting more and more exhausted. I feel like I have slept this entire year away!

I recently saw Dr S, and I have now begun working on Babesia again. A round of Coartem and a tincture. Holy crap. Yup. Clearly still an issue. I am also working on my gut still, mitochondrial and adrenal issues.

Definitely continuing on trying to control my neurological issues. I see Dr S next week again for another follow up and game plan, I will try to not be a slacker and give an update!!

Instead of giving a great big long spiel from the beginning (you can read it all from the very start of this adventure), here is my story from each year from the start of my treatment:

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/september-7th-2012-one-year/

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2014/09/07/september-7th-2012-two-years/

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2015/09/03/august-7-2012-3-years/

Andddd a little photo montage from the start of treatment until now. A picture is worth a thousand words, right?!

 

 

 

Well. That is about all I have in me today. Almost Friday. Wishing you all a great weekend! Keep fighting. That’s all we can do. Remember to always look for those silver linings and positivity is a powerful medicine. Much love to you all!

Oh yes, and here is my Miss Olivia Newton Fartin’ Martin. She says “hi”. She put herself in  a time out about a week ago. We still can’t figure out what she did! What a goofball!
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*Disclaimer: Due to plagiarism and copyright infringement issues I am currently facing, I am formally requesting to NOT copy and paste my work as your own, please and thank you.

If you would like to share (and I encourage it!), please use my link to my blog only, or hit the “share button” on this page. Thank you so much.

 

August Part 1 – Busy Month

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Hey everyone! It has been a really busy month, so I apologize for not giving an update!

I had a great milestone this month that I am so proud of, and of course have had my downfalls. It happens. I am looking at the silver linings though, Kimmiecakes kicked ass.

I had a visit with Dr S and it was decided that I needed to take a break on my Bartonella herbal treatments. I was told to take a week break, and use a much lower dose to start out and work myself back up.

I haven’t started back up on any Bartonella treatment. Hopefully he won’t be mad at my next appointment but I know my own body and I think I still need a rest.

I don’t know if I have bugs stirring at the moment and a pocket has come out with these nasty bugs in my head, or because I am completely overdoing it.

If you read my last post (umm, you should!), I shared that I had figured it was only an herbal that was given to me, and ended up being a mess.

I of course didn’t listen once again with my next “action plan” of the month. But I will get to that later.

Now, let’s talk about poop. Haha. Whatever, we all do it. Put your lunch down if you are continuing reading.:0

I have been dealing with the complete opposite of my past issues of running to the toilet. My legs work much better than I give credit for in this instance, although I have definitely had my share of oopsie poopsies LOL. Don’t judge. Shit happens, literally.

Sometimes it is about 3 or 4 days before I have an ummm…. movement. It is entirely normal when I do go, I am not straining in any way, I just plain don’t have to go for several days at a time. Zero cramps that are common with constipation.

I don’t really know if that is anything to worry about. I am assuming not, but Dr S is the king of poop questions so I am sure it will be brought up anyway during my next appointment.

I have noticed however, that after I eat and it doesn’t matter what it is, I often become very nauseated, have indigestion, am burpy, and by the end of the day I look like I am carrying twins.

I still have that lovely stabbing stomach pain that is slightly left and slightly upper of where my gallbladder would be.

And even grosser (I promised you all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the gross since day one of my blog LOL), I have had the WORST itchies and actually feeling crawling at bedtime on more than one occasion.

Dave’s believe and questioning on this topic is that wet farts can cause this issue and wondering if I was suffering with them. I just about died laughing.

Really Dave? I know that’s not the case at all. What the heck? Ew Dave. Just ew. Not the same thing. He also told me not to post this blog on Facebook but who are we kidding.

Also, I will clarify, I am not sitting there and scratching at it like a monkey or dragging my bum on the carpet like a dog, because that is definitely gross. And obviously uncomfortable. I just take my sleeping pills and ignore it.

From lots of research, as you know I am the Google Queen, that symptom is an extremely common sign that you are carrying parasites and I am thinking I really need to do another parasite cleanse. It has been a year.

My last one I found all sorts of critters! Let’s continue with the gross, shall we?!

There was white spaghetti of assorted sizes, some as big as 4 or 5 inches!!! I am unsure of what type of worms they were but I also had lots and lots of flukes. Flukes kind of look like white rice.

Parasites can cause an array of problems other than my embarrassing issue.

Once again, there are so many symptoms that can overlap Lyme.

And! It is very likely everyone does have parasites in their body but will never show any symptoms. When your immune system is not working properly, it might become problematic for you.

I should also note, if you are tested for parasites with a stool sample, it can be negative even though you are riddled with them, it just means none came out when you gave your sample.

Let’s get to some information about parasites!

Some of the many causes of parasites are: uncooked meats, lake water, sanitation of your food and water, fruits or veggies can carry them, cleaning your kitty box and one of the biggest tough one for me.

You can indeed get parasites from your pets. Yeah.. I’ll admit, I love kisses from my fur kids. We even have our “goodnight kiss” routine when Dave and I tell them it is bedtime.

I always say, “Gimme a kiss!” to my 3 dogs, and they will give me a smooch when we tuck them in. I wouldn’t be able to give that up realistically. I know some are so anti- dog but that is just going to be the way it is going to be.

Parasites can also infect you by walking barefoot on infected soil, tile, etc. ! So in a nutshell, everyday living.

Symptoms of having parasites include but are not limited to”
-IBS symptoms – gas, bloating, diarrhea, constipation, and any sort of digestional distress.
-Sleep issues
-Pain in muscles or joints or aching
– Fatigue, exhaustion
-Mood changes such as anxiety, paranoia, depression, hallucinations, and can lead to many other mood disorders
-Not feeling full after your meals
-Mineral deficiencies (iron is common)
-Skin irritations or rashes
-Weight loss or gain
-Vomiting or nausea
-Abdominal pain or tenderness
-Fogginess
-Headaches
-Allergies
-Fevers
-Autoimmune disorders

That’s just a few things on the list. There are so many more. And don’t forget the obvious, visually seeing a worm passed in your stool.

Common parasites include: tapeworms, hook worms , flukes, pinworms, whipworms, and giardia.

I am going to quickly rattle off some naturals that help with parasites. DISCLAIMER: ALWAYS CONSULT WITH YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE TAKING ANYTHING.

Wormwood, black walnut, cloves and garlic are a couple that come to mind. There are so many different naturals that can help. Reiterating once again, seek medical advice before trying something new, even with supplements.

So, needless to say, I will be ordering a cleanse this week and get that all taken care of.. Gag. Plus, I am thinking (hoping at least) that it will help get rid of some of my bloating.

I twisted my ankle a doosy last month and it kind of put a damper on being more active for a bit. I wasn’t too worried about it other than the fact the fluid didn’t seem to want to go away. It was rather squishy. About two weeks after it happened, I did begin to worry.

The inside of my leg was turning very black and blue, and I began getting super attractive varicose veins. My calf was swollen over a half an inch compared to my other leg.

It was massage day, and Gayle was pretty concerned and didn’t even want to touch that leg. I have a history with clotting, I have Factor V Leiden as well as vascular issues, and DVT was a concern. She told me I really should go to the hospital, and after my appointment I headed off to the ER.

I will tell you. You are treated SO MUCH DIFFERENTLY if you do not mention Lyme. Practically having the hospital as my second home, they already had my med list handy.

The doctor asked about why I had taken so many antibiotics, and I simply told him I HAD Lyme. I really didn’t want to be in there, period, and this wasn’t really a Lyme issue, so you have to pick your battles. Sorry folks. It wasn’t really a time to advocate. That is unlike me and I know I suck but I just wanted to get er’ done and get the heck out of there.

They saw the bruising in my leg, how swollen it was, and I was running a temperature yet again of 100 (fevers can accompany DVT), and they rushed me in to get an ultrasound.

He then wanted to do an x-ray of my ankle, as it was kind of gross looking even after two weeks. Agreed?
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The doctor came back in and told me my leg was okay, no DVT, and he believed it was because of my vascular issues, and the fact that I was putting so much pressure on the inside of my leg because of the sprain.

I didn’t have any fractures or breaks either! Good news! I did however tear a ligament and had tendonitis. I kind of knew that anyways, but I had a lot of piece of mind knowing there was nothing wrong with the inside of my leg.

I wore an ankle brace, and have been using an abundance of essential oils on my legs and ankle which seemed to help a lot with the swelling and bruising. I kind of made a concoction in an all natural moisturizer: frankinsence, lemon, peppermint, lavender, and clove.

A lot of my new supplements haven’t seemed to make much of a difference for me. I am kind of bummed. You can’t knock it unless you try it though. I am working on my adrenals, and trying to get any sort of energy back. Adrenal complex is supposed to be somewhat “stimulating” and also is supposed to help with POTS. I have also continued working on mitochondrial dysfunction.

One of the thoughts of my appointment with Dr S was to wean myself off of some of my neuro meds. It makes sense, even though it isn’t the number one cause of my fatigue, things that calm your nerves are going to make you less energetic and a bit more tired.

Okay. I will share this experience, I really was debating it, but I am real.

This incident happened BEFORE I even started weaning off of the Neurontin, the choice we made together. This is the very first neuro drug I was put on nearly 4 years ago to help with my severe tics.

As my followers know, I often sleep my life away. Sometimes 14-15 hours at a time. You have no friggin clue what tired is unless you have a debilitating chronic illness. Never tell me you are tired from the weather or such and such or I will want to throat punch you. Okay, back to my story.

I have driven throughout this entire journey. I am not an asshole and if I don’t feel well or have an aura of any kind, I will sit on the side of the road. I pretty much allow myself a 10-15 minute radius from my house in driving distance.

I have spent countless hours sitting in a parking lot five minutes from my house because I knew I was not safe to drive. I have had incidences in which I have forgotten where I was and ended up panicking, I have had days that I wanted to make it home so bad I threw up on myself while driving home. I just did not want to stop.

My scary moment. I was on my way home from work, out of nowhere, I fell asleep for a split second. It wasn’t like I was nodding off in exhaustion, I just had a very quick moment.

There was no cars around at that very second and I actually stayed in the right spot, but even worse, all flustered, I turned at a stop sign, not looking whatsoever and made my turn.

Nothing like this has ever happened before, but I am now I am definitely much more wary. I have been taking the time to take as much sleep as possible, and at the moment I have made sure I don’t have my keys and rely on Dave even more than I already do.

Some of my meds were a big hell no, not happening on the idea of tapering off of them. Neurontin (I will not share the dose for medical reasons for you all, once again clarifying I am not a doctor and do not offer medical advice), I have been taking a massive dose for a long time.

I had weaned myself down from my even higher dose in the past, of course very slowly. Well, this time, I rushed things, and am still paying the price.

One of the first things I noticed was my mind was not in the right place. I was feeling beyond depressed, agitated, anxious, and I have been hallucinating more and more at night . It was certainly a few very long days. My mind has been beginning to come back to a better place.

Since I have tapered down a bit, my tics have been appearing more. Honestly, I don’t care about the tics all that much. It is the head games are downright terrible. At least I knew those were temporary.

I have slammed my hands on the desk at work with my thriller dance tics I am all too familiar with. I have gotten stuttery, mumbly, more foggy and shaky, and my tics seem to go crazy at night.

At least we make light of it. My body was going crazy the other night. Hands flailing, yelling, body jerking, my cringes that look like I am holding in a sneeze.

We were watching the Olympics when my body decided to have a party I had no control over. Dave was teasing me, telling me to simmer down and he knew I was excited, and jokingly told me root for our teams a bit more quietly with a “shh” motion with his finger to his lips.

I don’t think cutting down on this med has helped in any way, shape or form. I was hoping it would make me less tired but it hasn’t done anything to help. This will be something to discuss at my next appointment.

Generally in the afternoons I have been running fevers 100-101. I am wondering if the heat is killing off the bugs. I think just about everywhere in the country was a big giant sauna for a week or so.

Inside my house though, I am covered in blankets and wearing a hoodie. It has been hard to breathe the past few days or so, I have been getting “actual heart pain”, like my heart itself hurts, air hunger, and I wake up a sweaty mess. I have been extra cautious in the shower as my POTS symptoms are getting worse and I am trying to avoid anymore falls.

Damnit. I am hoping it was just the full moon. Just another thing to mention. I absolutely need to nip Babesia in the butt. It took me two years to see improvements. That scares me. It’ll be okay, I have faith that it will get it figured out.

Now the awesome!!!

Dave took me on a beach day. We left very early in the morning so we would have the beach to ourselves. My goal of that day: walk five. And guess what? I DID!!!!!!!!

That is amazing and I am so proud of myself. Five miles, folks. There is still missing puzzle pieces, tummy healing, etc, but I am getting much better. Just look at how happy I was. I still am.
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My friend has even taken me out to a bar that has a nice patio overlooking the lake. It isn’t a rave or anything there, the place is rather quiet, but even being able to do things like that now is a good feeling. It is also good to be able to not have Dave (as much as I love him) have to join to be my babysitter. Girl time. 🙂

Also, I noticed on that “On that Day” app on Facebook, there was a picture from exactly three years ago and I have my most recent picture of me. Once again, you can see as clear as day how much I have improved. Wow!!!

That brings me to my Kimmiecakes advice of the day. Set goals for yourself, no matter how big or small and put your mind to it. A little tidbit, sharing your goals with others, posting on social media, or writing them down will make it much more likely that you will meet them.

Like I said, your goals don’t have to be to run a marathon. Have your goal be to walk to your mailbox and grab the mail, cook dinner. Anything. Baby goals, baby steps. Setting goals is positive motivation.
I guess I will wrap it up, this post was a novel and I know how hard it is for a lot of us Lymies to read this much. Hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

Annnndddd… Miss Olive says, “hi”!!
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July Part 1 – Keep Pushing

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I have been ridiculously busy lately, especially with work. I have definitely been slacking on keeping up with my updates. I have positive news though! No news is good news, right?

I had an appointment with my favorite Lyme literate naturopath a few weeks ago. We are still trying to figure out my complex puzzle, and he believes a part of my issues I am facing is drug induced mitochondrial dysfunction, which is kind of our main focus now, along with working on my gut infection, and Bartonella, which has slowly begun to rear its ugly head yet again. Super sucky.

Backtracking… What is mitochondrial dysfunction you may ask? Well, I will do my darndest to explain it correctly. Google to the rescue!

Mitochondria are a big part of your energy production. A huge part. Whole systems can fail if these cells begin to die and it can affect your entire body and its organs.

Antibiotics can cause cell death to mitochondria, and being on enough antibiotics to kill a horse for nearly 4 years, it is likely that this is could be one of the culprits as to why I am still not fully better and very much a work in progress.

Mitochondrial issues very well overlap a lot of Lyme symptoms. It is nearly impossible to know what is what, but it is certainly worth giving this a shot having it be a main focus for awhile.

It was once believed that mitochondria could not come back, but over time they can replenish. Hooray! This may take a very long time, but this is positive that I will get my little energy cells back. So, more supplements of course.

It is insane that I am not even on treatment and I take upward of 60-70 pills a day. I guess it helps me with my daily water intake 😉 Silver linings.

Honestly, right now a lot of my supplements I am suppose to take three times a day, I have been taking two times a day. I am afraid my timing is off, and the ones with food, without food… I dunno, I don’t really feel like eating anything after midnight when I go to bed. I know that probably sounds bad and non-compliant of me, but I am trying to keep up with everything on a “timely basis”.

As for the Bartonella that is creeping back, I am just using an herbal now to try to keep it at bay so I don’t have to be on antibiotics and continue to heal my stomach.

I did hear possibly the very best thing ever during my appointment. Dr S. said to me, “I think this might take a long time but I’m pretty confident we can get you much better or fixed.”

Even being under the care of one of the top LLMD’s in the country, the goal has always been 80-85% functional and that was it for me. I was told that is all there would ever be.

Realistically, I know some things might not go away completely, but in the near 4 years of treatment I’ve never heard anything like that.

Way to go Dr S. for making sure I still have my butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns mentality! Yesssss!

I am still babying my stomach. It hasn’t been perfect, but it is certainly improving. I have been doing well with my diet and the bloated look is definitely beginning to improve. Every once in awhile, I break my own rules and eat something I know I shouldn’t, example, I stuffed my face with Chinese food last night. All the bad stuff that even on IVs I wouldn’t eat.

It was friggin delicious and sometimes I feel like you have to break the rules for the sake of sanity, but I can tell a huge difference in my energy level, my head hurts, and I am just plain foggy. Needless to say, tonight will be a salad and vegan chicken night. Time to jump back on the horse and get back on track.

Bartonella as I had mentioned has also been one of my issues lately. It generally messes with my head in a lot of ways. Paranoia, hallucinations, anxiety, OCD, and oh gosh do my feet hurt at night.

Dave, my wonderful husband, is a trooper and uses his knuckles full force on the soles of my feet to get the knots out at night.

Dr S gave me an herbal tincture called Houttunia, and I think it is infused with something (Samento perhaps?) Well, anywho, I completely underestimated this tincture.

I was told to take one drop, and slowly work myself up to 15 drops a day. Yeah. I made the assumption that starting at one drop was the “I’m a pussy” dose, and started with five-ish. I say five-ish because I kind of just squirted a guesstimate of five drops in my mouth.

Word of the wise: listen to your doctor. LOL

I ended up with stabbing stomach pain, all my Bartonella symptoms flared, I was completely wiped out. It quickly brought back all the the days I am so used to. Sitting in my car at the bank or grocery store parking lot, and having to drive home because there is just no way I would be able to get out of my car. Needless to say, I took a few day break and started SLOWLY, and I haven’t had any issues since. I am still flaring, but it is tolerable.

Clumsy me, I fell again and ended up with a big ol’ bruise on my leg. My house is a single story ranch, and our back porch has one step and another single step further back, of course when I went down I hit the one of two steps then tumbled. Oy vey.
It is super annoying when my legs just give out. I feel as if they are like “just kidding!”, and I go down like a sack of taters.

I had an appointment with my dermatologist for my heart scar. It turns out it is a keloid. It sounds like it isn’t worth a surgery as it can easily come back and worse. Plus I could have to cut everything out, so I would be left with a bigger even grosser scar. It kind of felt like he wanted to line his pockets with money, as I did a little research and found out many plastic surgeons would not cut it out for this very reason. Of course, it isn’t covered by insurance anyway.

Scars I personally feel are pretty badass and tell a story about you, but this one is kind of “icky”. Haha. I will just live with it.

He also offered steroid injections, but I don’t really think that is warranted either.

I know you aren’t suppose to take steroids with Lyme disease, but sometimes in certain cases you have to outweigh the good and bad in particular situations, and this certainly isn’t one of them. Totally not worth it.

Now onto the good.  🙂

I have had some great days. As I had mentioned, I have worked much more. A lot more. I kind of haven’t had a choice as things needed to be done, but have done really well on staying focused, with the small exception of a few days I had to leave out of frustration or pick and choose what I absolutely needed to get done for the day.

Those are the kind of days I swear at the quarterly government reports because I have a total brain fart and once I get frusterated, I get all flustered and I need to leave and come back to it later. I have done the same reports for going on 10 years, they used to be so easy peasy for me. They are, if I am not in a foggy trance.

I would consider myself much more normal at least visibly. My friends had a small barbeque, and you wouldn’t likely be able to tell I am sick in any way. I even did a little dancing!

I have been moving around more, using the pool for exercising. This made me quickly learn that not only my legs are out of shape, I have also lost all muscle strength in my arms. It’ll come back to me. The more I try to do, the more it will come back and I am hoping that I will be more functional.

I even made it to Home Depot the other day!! Not only is it a big store, the lighting is terrible for someone with a lot of light sensitivity.

After awhile I began to get really fuzzy and dizzy, but I did a lot of walking and dream shopping since there is just no way I can afford anything in there. Haha. I was able to stay until Dave got everything he needed and there was no emergency rush out to his truck. Phew.

Last time we went to a Lowe’s, Dave literally threw me on one of those rolling pallet things and took me out to his truck. I had completely collapsed. I must have been a sight for sore eyes as he wheeled me out of the store, while I was a hot mess laying on the pallet.

I conquered the trip this time, and I was there much longer. Things are never going to change unless I start getting back out there into the world. I would rather fail a few times (or a lot of times) and say I tried at least.

I did a big grocery shopping trip with Dave! We usually stick to the tiny store in our town, but we ventured out of town. I did great. No having to leave, no dizziness. We didn’t have to rush. It was awesome.

It wiped me out by the time I got home so I took a nap but look at what I am accomplishing! There is no doubt I am moving around much more.

This comes to an important point with all of this. Kimmiecakes rant of the day. I know some will probably take offense, and believe me I have been through hell and back, and it has kept me going and fighting.

Keep pushing. It may be hard, but doing just a little extra is great for the mind, and your body.

If you think about it, I have had years and years of doing absolutely nothing. A vegetable at one point, a wheelchair, not moving around at all. Muscles are definitely toast. Everything is weak and depleted.

I know it might come across as an asshole thing to say, but mind over matter it. Do something every single day. One little thing. Anything.

Even if it is sitting outside for awhile. Just an extra push. I have talked to sooo many Lyme patients over the years, and I can tell when there is night and day differences in attitudes it plays out in a link to their health.

It is kind of bizarre, but many a time, I see those who let this terrible disease consume them, eat them alive, and let it define them not heal. These are the people who just don’t see the silver linings in anything. There is ALWAYS silver linings.

You all have the power to do one little thing that will change your day. No matter how big or small, it is still an accomplishment. Give yourself credit with what you CAN do and focus on that. Push. Fight. Kick some ass!

Granted, this disease is ridiculously complex so there is so many things to consider, but I have seen those people are often the ones who stay sick.

Hell, I am a medical mystery as dubbed by all of my doctors, but just look, after over 25 years of infection I am finally starting to see some improvements. I got told some amazing news and I have such high hopes that this is not going to be forever. I think my body is beginning to want to heal itself. Turtles pace, but in the right direction.

Your mind is an important part of healing. Do not let this define you. I am a firm believer in that.

End rant. Or motivational speech? I don’t know, but it has been on my mind lately upon speaking with some current patients and it makes me cringe. We are all allowed a bad day or two, to be angry at the world, but I got into it trying to help someone look at the world in a new perspective and she just wasn’t feeling it. Oh well.

I hope it serves at least a few of you well! It is hot as Hades outside now, but have a seat in the shade, read a book, walk to your mailbox, sit at a table and prepare dinner (I did this for years!), take a bath, anything! We are all effected in different ways, so what you are able to do is likely different compared to someone else. Just do it J

P.S. I will give another update hopefully soon! I had yet another visit with Dr S and will have much more to share! I’m a little behind the times 😛  Happy Sunday.

Ahh! Miss Olive! I almost forgot about you. She is doing great, I even left her out for the first time to take a shower and she surrounded herself with toys.. caused no trouble! She’s 50 pounds now!!
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June Part 1 – Workin’ It

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I’m here! Just slacking once again on my writing. Hmmm… I have written notes throughout this past half month to try to remember everything, so I wouldn’t bullshit you all. 🙂 I have had an appointment with my neurologist finally, and an appointment with Dr S today.

There has been some fairly decent days (for me anyways), ones that I have accomplished a few errands and helped Dave grocery shop. I have been trying to work on getting stronger, and have been starting to use my parents pool for a little physical therapy. Boy, I will tell ya.. I have always been focusing on my legs as the primary issue, but have totally forgotten about my arms. I have zero muscle left. Needless to say, I stayed in the kiddie end of the pool to get some exercise.

I do pay for trying to push myself badly. It generally takes a couple days to recover. I get beyond exhausted, foggy, and my tics come back. I still have to go back to the car and sit and wait, or go straight home even if I need something at the store. Oh, and my beautiful face come back. Lookin’ sexy, kinda?
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No, probably not. Haha. I really need to do this though, I won’t get any strength back by sleeping my life away on the couch or curled in a ball covered in blankets watching TV. Gotta start somewhere! Even for this much, I am really proud of myself. The other day I even went to the store, picked out flowers at a farm, and planted them. Go me!

I have been sticking to my strict diet and working on my gut infection and my neuro stabilizing supplements. They were working a lot in the beginning, I have lost a few pounds and am much less bloaty, but it hasn’t improved any further. Dealing with the gut is a tough thing that takes time. I just gotta keep at it.
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So weird. I wonder if Babs is acting up? This is the only picture I actually took, but I keep getting streaks on my tummy too. Those are almost more like straight red stretch marks. They go away within a day though. And, little blue veins poking out of my thighs.

I have been having a lot of anxiety at night. Paranoia. Every little thing on my mind eats away at me, and anything negative from the past replays in my mind over and over. Things that haven’t even happened yet play in my mind. I am in a wedding this weekend and I have anxiety about how I am going to feel, and I wish that I was more involved in helping out. Meds to help with sleep and essential oils aren’t doing the trick. It is really hindering a restorative sleep, and I am beginning to have nightmares and moving around a lot in my sleep. A few weeks ago, I was asleep, punching my headboard to my bed. I have been all over the place, tossing and turning. It would probably help to get to a better place with sleep again and I would not feel so yucky.

I had my neurology appointment last week. I had to joke as soon as I got into the office. It is bright as hell in there, which is kind of a neurologically impaired person’s nightmare. Really? Dim those suckers down. I can’t be the only person with light sensitivity that comes through that door. Oy. The good in that (I will put a positive spin on it), is that they will see exactly what those lights do to you. It is one of those things, generally when you walk into a doctors office to discuss a problem or symptom, it just disappears. Poof! When you get home, it is right back. And you just look like an idiot or a faker.

I suppose he probably isn’t reading this, so I will be honest with you. I will say, he is REALLY a nice guy, and I do like him. There is a BUT though. I will put it this way. He was probably the very bottom of his graduating class and snuck by. I saw him a few years back, not noticing anything because at that point I was petty much a vegetable. A twitchy, yelling vegetable. I had no idea what the hell was going on around me.

Example one. He referred to his notes from my previous appointment, and of course he remembered me. I am kind of one of those people that is hard to forget. Obnoxiously yelling, flailing my arms, finger snapping, clapping like a friggin harbor seal. Yup. Not too hard to forget. He had mentioned Tourrette’s, even though he understood the cause was likely my tick borne infections, and said that because I was not swearing it wasn’t quite but very close to Tourrette’s, or borderline?

I can’t remember the exact wording… I do know that an extremely small percentage of Tourrette’s patients actually do swear, so I kind of bit my tongue. This is not correct information for a diagnosis based on guidelines, and telling Dr S this, he was kind of disappointed because sometimes in these situations it is good to actually get something down on paper by the neurologist.

Example two. I had several notes prepared walking, well, waddling though the door, with everything I wanted to discuss. My foot and leg numbness was a big priority. What is permanent damage? Does he think there is permanent damage? Just something I have to deal with or something he thinks will get better? Any thoughts?

He gave me an exam. Not ONCE did he test the bottom of my feet for any response, the sides of my feet, reflexes in my feet. I even suggested it. DO ITTTTT.  I would think, common sense, if this is the number one complaint of the patient, it would be done. The only thing that was done in relative to my feet was he used something that kind of looked like a golf tee so it was kind of sharp at the end, made sure I was unable to see what he was doing, and told me to tell him when I could feel it. He did it a few times. Every time I answered, “right there!” or “now!”, it was midway up my calf. I really thought that he was starting out there and going downward. Nope. Upward. There was a whole lot of nada until halfway up my calf.

At the end, he did tell me that he wanted to follow up with me in a few months, and wanted some of my blood work to be redone. The big positive: it sounds like he is going to set up an electrical conductivity test to see how my feet and legs do. Which was huge. Another positive was that he was willing to refill my lamictal, which I cannot get here. One less thing to think about.

He also changed the wording on my lamictal as it stated that I have epilepsy, which I do not. He said that it was kind of a red flag, so changing it is better. Driving and whatnot. I told him the truth that I do drive, even though I am limited, like a 10-15 minute radios each way and that is my maximum. I was worried he was going to pull my license when he saw my list of meds. He didn’t though, thank god. I already feel like I have lost enough independence with this disease.

I was hoping for the epilepsy testing though, to see if the drugs I am taking are the right choice for me as it would give me that answer. I guess I can’t get everything I want. At least it sounds like I will be getting that nerve test done and my lamictal refilled, which were kind of the top priorities.

I had my appointment with Dr S today. It was a really easy, straight to the point appointment, really. We decided it was still best to not be on antibiotics. They really serve no benefit to me at the moment, and my stomach really isn’t fully healed.

He was really happy and encouraging that I am working on getting stronger. He wants to control the neurological issues more, and have that be my primary focus. Inflammation and more neurological stabilizing supplements! Also, working on the liver to make all these things work better and I absorb everything better.

I have been procrastinating for some time now on an issue, and Dave has gotten pretty mad and pushing me to call. I have about a dime-ish sized lump in my breast. It really near your armpits where your lymph nodes would be, but it is uncomfortable. I guess I need to take it more seriously. I honestly just hate dealing with doctors. In my family history, my grandmother died a very young death, before 30 of breast cancer. I am nearly positive it isn’t the issue, but a mammogram appointment has been set up for me.

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Also, I guess it is NOT normal for your heart implant removal scar (I had it removed in January) to have a keloid looking scar and certainly not normal to have black specks in the rest of my scar, and the left side not looking like it closed all the way. It did, but it kind of looks like there is a hole. Sorry for the super crappy picture, it is really hard to take a picture of your chest with a full sized macbook. Haha. Just to give a very basic idea.

Dermatologist appointment in the works. Super duper. I didn’t even bring this issue up, he saw it and said I really should get it looked at and possibly biopsied. Especially having black dots in it. Who knows, maybe they will cut it all out and I will have an even more badass scar. Woot woot! Just another thing to put in my calendar.

My electrophysiologist called for a follow up appointment as well. The prescription he gave me, the tweaked dosage, and his game plan of the recumbent bike, lots of water, salt and simple leg exercises seems to have helped, so I kind of put it on the back burner for now. It is so busy with work for my Dad and Dave, who would be the ones who would have to give me a ride.

My birthday was on Friday. 29! I plan on being 29 for the next few years. We didn’t really celebrate, the weekend before however, Dave did take me to the ocean for lunch, and I was having a bad day, but still was able to do a small walk on the beach. I wish I could have done more, but I wouldn’t have made it back lol. I always feel like a new person and completely relaxed after spending some time at my favorite beach in Wells, Maine.
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That’s my update for now! Wishing you all a happy Wednesday!

Of course, a picture of Miss Olive, sleeping with her caterpillar. 🙂
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April Part 2 -And So I Wait..

It has been a rough week or so. I’m going to do my best to not be all over the place and make sense in my writing today. This is about as good as it is going to get.

The day before my appointment with Dr S I had a mini meltdown. Okay, it was a big meltdown but I was able to keep most of it inside.

It all started with getting the IV process going. Vitamin C, Glutathione, ringers, Myer’s cocktails. It would have been a great thing to add to my regiments and it was recommended to incorporate these treatments for me.

I had the thumbs up and good to go to do them at home, then within about three hours, I got a phone call that they changed their minds and got a big fat “no”.

I asked for an explanation and they simply told me they decided to not do it for me. I had explained I had done some of these treatments at home before, and I was told they won’t do it. I was told they changed their mind. What the fudge?!

I investigated further.The true reasoning? Aha! This particular doctor that was all thumbs up, ready to go, and let’s help get this girl better “communicated” with Dr. N, another naturopath that I used to see in conjunction with Dr S and my neurologist when I had my 5 months of rocephin IVs. I guess she still has hard feelings for me leaving her as a patient.

So, she took it upon herself to butt in to make sure I did not get these treatments by communicating with some of the other holistic and naturopathic doctors in the area as well to make sure they would not help me.

I am basically on the “do not fly” list for help at the moment. Once again, thanks for being mature, Dr N .*Rolls eyes*.

She is pretty egotistical, and even has a little webpage (well, at least she did at one point), basically sharing how she is the Lyme guru, the hero, and has saved a lot of patients.

She wanted my case to be a part of her story. That she could “cure” me. Let’s be honest, I am a bit of a challenge and would have looked pretty great on her resume.

Do you remember Dr N ??! You should read my whole story. J It will help you out a lot if you are trying to get your ducks in a row, or are dealing with a very careless doctor. EXTREMELY careless to the point of being dangerous.

At that point I was too sick to even advocate for myself, I am glad others intervened, including Dave as well.

At that point in treatment, if Dr S didn’t step in, as well as my neurologist, Dave, I am convinced I would be dead. I am very lucky with what I have been through that I am alive.

Right now things are extremely hard, but I am not dying. Just dysfunctional and certainly not having the time of my life. Like I said, read my story. J

Anywho, she was absolutely furious when I decided to see Dr J. I had never seen a doctor do this, but over the phone she literally threw a temper tantrum like a child, yelling at me and telling me she was the best. Haha. Okay. If your doctor does this, I would advise you to run.

I have a really hard time driving any sort of distance, and I needed to get to the clinic where I get my Depo shot every 3 months. It is about a 15 minute drive, but it wears me out.

I got to the clinic and apparently the only doctor working there quit, and no one called and told me there was no one there who could administer the shot.

The secretary is the only one working there, which doesn’t help a heck of a lot. She made sure I got squeezed in with another local gynecologist, one whom I have seen before. Phew.

I was feeling completely overwhelmed, and I hadn’t even seen Dr S yet. Part of it was pure exhaustion I believe.
I have also started to become very paranoid and anxiety ridden lately. Depression is beginning to set in. I am beginning to feel depersonalized, generally during the day.

This is basically like you are watching yourself from above… hmm.. it is kind of hard for me to explain right now. You are just a puppet and don’t really know what you are saying or anything. You are just “there”, I suppose.

I am not at that Cipro horrible level I once was, but still my mindset isn’t so great right now, even though I am trying to hold onto optimism that this is all bumps in the road on this crazy journey, and as they say, “this to shall pass”. I know it will… but in the meantime it definitely sucks.

Between feeling like I am getting sicker, the fog, the not feeling limbs, having Bartonella feet, and feeling complete exhaustion (I haven’t even been using my recumbent bike which makes me angry because it is right in front of me in the living room), I am just falling the frig apart.

The mind games in my head are so terrible. I always wonder if those are worse than being debilitated. At this point I think a sound mind would be a lot better, even if I can do less and less. Ugh.

That evening, I cried myself to sleep. That hasn’t happened to me in a lonnnnng time. I am almost thinking teenage heartbreaks when this had happened?

Before I fell asleep I asked Dave, “Is everything going to be okay?” You could tell he was a bit heartbroken in his eyes with me asking this, and he isn’t really a show emotions kind of guy, and he told me, yes, it will be okay. He left and took the dogs on an adventure, so I could sleep in peace.

The following day, I had a visit with my favoritest naturopath ever, Dr S. We went over some of my recent testing. The conversation went as follows…

All my neurotransmitters in my brain are shot and as well as my adrenals. He recommended for me to push for epilepsy study when I go back to my neurologist.

I was given a zillion tests for blood work, and I am waiting to hear back on some of the results. There was a lot of things checkered off, so we will see if there is any interpretations on my blood work.

I haven’t been ignoring my writing, but I felt like it was good to at least wait to see some of my results to share with you. What they mean, I am not too sure as of the moment.

Unfortunately from the results that are ready at the moment, some things I believe are “off”, although yet again they aren’t “too off”. One being, I was tested for diabetes.

I am grateful it appears I am okay, but Dr S emailed me stating it is likely I am having crashes during the day, which obviously doesn’t help anything. My iron was high, which was no surprise, and a lot of things like I said were borderline or fine.

I hate this. It is one of those situations you obviously don’t want to have another issue, but you find yourself needing some sort of explanation.

On another note for you all.. SO IMPORTANT!!!!!! When you get handed a blood work slip, ALWAYS research the tests given (or get any test results in your hands). I love Dr S, but sometimes there might be something in a doctor’s mind that they are not sharing with you. Learn this information.

Look up the diagnostic codes. There should be a few numbers/letters with a decimal point. Look them up on google. See what they are truly looking for.

Don’t be in the dark about everything. This is a part of advocating for yourself, and you should have all this information. See what they might be thinking or suspicious of that they haven’t told you.

It is nice to have those questions you may have that they do not share with you right in your hands. Advice for the day. 😉

The game plan at the moment is to treat the antibiotic resistant infections in my tummy and intestines (Hey! At least there is one explanation.. one very big explanation!) .

It is time to make my tummy and low functioning liver happy again. Detox detox detox!I am now on an even stricter diet, which is called the FODMAPS diet. It is meant to not feed the bad bacteria in your stomach and intestines. I eat pretty healthy, but even fruits and veggies among other things are actually poor choices at the moment.

Dr S thought it was a good idea to have the nutritional IV support… but due to my previously mentioned issues, it probably not going to be in the cards for me right now. I might continue exploring this avenue. Right now though, I am just tired and don’t feel like getting frustrated making phone calls.

So right now, I am in a hard place. I am currently too sick to treat Lyme etc. I have to fix the gut infection before I start up anything. And so I wait… Thus far, I think it has been five or six weeks off of antibiotics.

The bad news : not everything is Lyme, Bartonella, Babesia and more, but this is the damage.

After nearly 4 years of treatment for me, the infections are still very much there unfortunately, but there is a lot more to the story. We will put our fingers on it, I am sure. Making my gut happy is so important though to even get started with anything.

Dr S told me that I might get a lot worse again. To the point I could possibly backtrack to my IV progress. I have so much toxins and crap in me that are just stuck there, and of course there is the fun herx reactions trying to get rid of it. Major son of a bitch. Thousands upon thousands down the drain if this happens. I am not going to worry about it. As for right now, I am not well, but I seem to have plateaued in my downfall.

The great news of the day, “I STILL BELIEVE THERE IS A LOT OF HOPE FOR YOU. AND A LOT OF THIS CAN BE FIXED.”

Let’s hold onto this thought. Butterflies, rainbows and unicorns, this storm will pass. I still have faith.

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This is my daily fun stuff. As you can see, this all isn’t good lol. And sadly I forgot to put a lot of things out. I leave pills scattered around the house in order to remember when to take them, and I also have my B12 injections.

I’m putting on my boxing gloves and I’m ready to fight.

On Saturday I slept for 17 hours. SEVENTEEN HOURS! Now, some of you who don’t “get it” say snarky comments… I have gotten it more than a time or two… “I would be that tired if I overslept that much”. Eff off.

Clearly, my body is beyond exhausted and sometimes I don’t find this a terrible thing, as it is allowing my body to heal and is obviously much needed The downside, I feel a bit useless.

The hours I was awake weren’t fun. I was so dizzy with my POTS symptoms, I couldn’t feel my legs, I was completely light sensitive (I made sure my Dad unscrewed the light bulb in the office so my side was dark), and a scary one, my vision became very blurry. I definitely needed this sleep.

During my one Sunday off a month, Dave and I did breakfast, sticking with the FODMAPS diet, trying to remain vegan, and having food intolerances makes it rather difficult to stick to a diet. I know I am going to probably end up adding at least chicken or eggs again. I need as much protein as possible.

The rest of the week has been about the same. Like I said, I haven’t fallen apart anymore, but there have been days I have sat in the parking lot not being able to walk into the store, walk into the post office. Days of unwashed hair, a little extra deodorant.

There was one day that I just needed to go to sleep, so I had to put Olive in the crate since I wouldn’t be watching her. I cried. I never do anything like that and I felt like a piece of crap for leaving her in there for a few hours when I was home.

All I can say is I am doing my best, and it is really hard even though I am trying to hold onto the optimism and keep on kicking ass, my mind really hates me. Wishing you all the very best weekend!

And of course, Miss Olive says, “Hi!!”

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