July Part 1 – Keep Pushing

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I have been ridiculously busy lately, especially with work. I have definitely been slacking on keeping up with my updates. I have positive news though! No news is good news, right?

I had an appointment with my favorite Lyme literate naturopath a few weeks ago. We are still trying to figure out my complex puzzle, and he believes a part of my issues I am facing is drug induced mitochondrial dysfunction, which is kind of our main focus now, along with working on my gut infection, and Bartonella, which has slowly begun to rear its ugly head yet again. Super sucky.

Backtracking… What is mitochondrial dysfunction you may ask? Well, I will do my darndest to explain it correctly. Google to the rescue!

Mitochondria are a big part of your energy production. A huge part. Whole systems can fail if these cells begin to die and it can affect your entire body and its organs.

Antibiotics can cause cell death to mitochondria, and being on enough antibiotics to kill a horse for nearly 4 years, it is likely that this is could be one of the culprits as to why I am still not fully better and very much a work in progress.

Mitochondrial issues very well overlap a lot of Lyme symptoms. It is nearly impossible to know what is what, but it is certainly worth giving this a shot having it be a main focus for awhile.

It was once believed that mitochondria could not come back, but over time they can replenish. Hooray! This may take a very long time, but this is positive that I will get my little energy cells back. So, more supplements of course.

It is insane that I am not even on treatment and I take upward of 60-70 pills a day. I guess it helps me with my daily water intake 😉 Silver linings.

Honestly, right now a lot of my supplements I am suppose to take three times a day, I have been taking two times a day. I am afraid my timing is off, and the ones with food, without food… I dunno, I don’t really feel like eating anything after midnight when I go to bed. I know that probably sounds bad and non-compliant of me, but I am trying to keep up with everything on a “timely basis”.

As for the Bartonella that is creeping back, I am just using an herbal now to try to keep it at bay so I don’t have to be on antibiotics and continue to heal my stomach.

I did hear possibly the very best thing ever during my appointment. Dr S. said to me, “I think this might take a long time but I’m pretty confident we can get you much better or fixed.”

Even being under the care of one of the top LLMD’s in the country, the goal has always been 80-85% functional and that was it for me. I was told that is all there would ever be.

Realistically, I know some things might not go away completely, but in the near 4 years of treatment I’ve never heard anything like that.

Way to go Dr S. for making sure I still have my butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns mentality! Yesssss!

I am still babying my stomach. It hasn’t been perfect, but it is certainly improving. I have been doing well with my diet and the bloated look is definitely beginning to improve. Every once in awhile, I break my own rules and eat something I know I shouldn’t, example, I stuffed my face with Chinese food last night. All the bad stuff that even on IVs I wouldn’t eat.

It was friggin delicious and sometimes I feel like you have to break the rules for the sake of sanity, but I can tell a huge difference in my energy level, my head hurts, and I am just plain foggy. Needless to say, tonight will be a salad and vegan chicken night. Time to jump back on the horse and get back on track.

Bartonella as I had mentioned has also been one of my issues lately. It generally messes with my head in a lot of ways. Paranoia, hallucinations, anxiety, OCD, and oh gosh do my feet hurt at night.

Dave, my wonderful husband, is a trooper and uses his knuckles full force on the soles of my feet to get the knots out at night.

Dr S gave me an herbal tincture called Houttunia, and I think it is infused with something (Samento perhaps?) Well, anywho, I completely underestimated this tincture.

I was told to take one drop, and slowly work myself up to 15 drops a day. Yeah. I made the assumption that starting at one drop was the “I’m a pussy” dose, and started with five-ish. I say five-ish because I kind of just squirted a guesstimate of five drops in my mouth.

Word of the wise: listen to your doctor. LOL

I ended up with stabbing stomach pain, all my Bartonella symptoms flared, I was completely wiped out. It quickly brought back all the the days I am so used to. Sitting in my car at the bank or grocery store parking lot, and having to drive home because there is just no way I would be able to get out of my car. Needless to say, I took a few day break and started SLOWLY, and I haven’t had any issues since. I am still flaring, but it is tolerable.

Clumsy me, I fell again and ended up with a big ol’ bruise on my leg. My house is a single story ranch, and our back porch has one step and another single step further back, of course when I went down I hit the one of two steps then tumbled. Oy vey.
It is super annoying when my legs just give out. I feel as if they are like “just kidding!”, and I go down like a sack of taters.

I had an appointment with my dermatologist for my heart scar. It turns out it is a keloid. It sounds like it isn’t worth a surgery as it can easily come back and worse. Plus I could have to cut everything out, so I would be left with a bigger even grosser scar. It kind of felt like he wanted to line his pockets with money, as I did a little research and found out many plastic surgeons would not cut it out for this very reason. Of course, it isn’t covered by insurance anyway.

Scars I personally feel are pretty badass and tell a story about you, but this one is kind of “icky”. Haha. I will just live with it.

He also offered steroid injections, but I don’t really think that is warranted either.

I know you aren’t suppose to take steroids with Lyme disease, but sometimes in certain cases you have to outweigh the good and bad in particular situations, and this certainly isn’t one of them. Totally not worth it.

Now onto the good.  🙂

I have had some great days. As I had mentioned, I have worked much more. A lot more. I kind of haven’t had a choice as things needed to be done, but have done really well on staying focused, with the small exception of a few days I had to leave out of frustration or pick and choose what I absolutely needed to get done for the day.

Those are the kind of days I swear at the quarterly government reports because I have a total brain fart and once I get frusterated, I get all flustered and I need to leave and come back to it later. I have done the same reports for going on 10 years, they used to be so easy peasy for me. They are, if I am not in a foggy trance.

I would consider myself much more normal at least visibly. My friends had a small barbeque, and you wouldn’t likely be able to tell I am sick in any way. I even did a little dancing!

I have been moving around more, using the pool for exercising. This made me quickly learn that not only my legs are out of shape, I have also lost all muscle strength in my arms. It’ll come back to me. The more I try to do, the more it will come back and I am hoping that I will be more functional.

I even made it to Home Depot the other day!! Not only is it a big store, the lighting is terrible for someone with a lot of light sensitivity.

After awhile I began to get really fuzzy and dizzy, but I did a lot of walking and dream shopping since there is just no way I can afford anything in there. Haha. I was able to stay until Dave got everything he needed and there was no emergency rush out to his truck. Phew.

Last time we went to a Lowe’s, Dave literally threw me on one of those rolling pallet things and took me out to his truck. I had completely collapsed. I must have been a sight for sore eyes as he wheeled me out of the store, while I was a hot mess laying on the pallet.

I conquered the trip this time, and I was there much longer. Things are never going to change unless I start getting back out there into the world. I would rather fail a few times (or a lot of times) and say I tried at least.

I did a big grocery shopping trip with Dave! We usually stick to the tiny store in our town, but we ventured out of town. I did great. No having to leave, no dizziness. We didn’t have to rush. It was awesome.

It wiped me out by the time I got home so I took a nap but look at what I am accomplishing! There is no doubt I am moving around much more.

This comes to an important point with all of this. Kimmiecakes rant of the day. I know some will probably take offense, and believe me I have been through hell and back, and it has kept me going and fighting.

Keep pushing. It may be hard, but doing just a little extra is great for the mind, and your body.

If you think about it, I have had years and years of doing absolutely nothing. A vegetable at one point, a wheelchair, not moving around at all. Muscles are definitely toast. Everything is weak and depleted.

I know it might come across as an asshole thing to say, but mind over matter it. Do something every single day. One little thing. Anything.

Even if it is sitting outside for awhile. Just an extra push. I have talked to sooo many Lyme patients over the years, and I can tell when there is night and day differences in attitudes it plays out in a link to their health.

It is kind of bizarre, but many a time, I see those who let this terrible disease consume them, eat them alive, and let it define them not heal. These are the people who just don’t see the silver linings in anything. There is ALWAYS silver linings.

You all have the power to do one little thing that will change your day. No matter how big or small, it is still an accomplishment. Give yourself credit with what you CAN do and focus on that. Push. Fight. Kick some ass!

Granted, this disease is ridiculously complex so there is so many things to consider, but I have seen those people are often the ones who stay sick.

Hell, I am a medical mystery as dubbed by all of my doctors, but just look, after over 25 years of infection I am finally starting to see some improvements. I got told some amazing news and I have such high hopes that this is not going to be forever. I think my body is beginning to want to heal itself. Turtles pace, but in the right direction.

Your mind is an important part of healing. Do not let this define you. I am a firm believer in that.

End rant. Or motivational speech? I don’t know, but it has been on my mind lately upon speaking with some current patients and it makes me cringe. We are all allowed a bad day or two, to be angry at the world, but I got into it trying to help someone look at the world in a new perspective and she just wasn’t feeling it. Oh well.

I hope it serves at least a few of you well! It is hot as Hades outside now, but have a seat in the shade, read a book, walk to your mailbox, sit at a table and prepare dinner (I did this for years!), take a bath, anything! We are all effected in different ways, so what you are able to do is likely different compared to someone else. Just do it J

P.S. I will give another update hopefully soon! I had yet another visit with Dr S and will have much more to share! I’m a little behind the times 😛  Happy Sunday.

Ahh! Miss Olive! I almost forgot about you. She is doing great, I even left her out for the first time to take a shower and she surrounded herself with toys.. caused no trouble! She’s 50 pounds now!!
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September Part 1 – Underestimating the Dark Side

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Over the weekend I had one more day to try to enjoy myself before I started treatment back up. We got an invite to a BBQ, so that was the plan. I was off to a rough start, but was determined to have a good time! That morning I had almost fallen in the shower but caught myself, pulling out my lower back. While I was at work, my Dad kept telling me he couldn’t understand what I was saying, and I completely walked into a wall. As soon as I got home from work I laid on the couch and relaxed so I could have the best time possible.

I did have a good time No one noticed the subtleness of myself going to sit somewhere. Standing in one place is still really hard for me. To be fair, I know with the past few days, I had been overdoing it a bit since I did have some moments of blue skies. That is probably the reason why I was the way I was that morning.

When you can’t do anything most of the time it is so hard to not overdo it. You just get so excited over these little things, whether it is going to the grocery store, or doing some cleaning. I want to do it all! We didn’t stay very late, and as soon as I got home I went straight to bed. I wanted to be in tip top shape for treatment the following day!

Monday. Treatment day one.  Here is the thing. Some of my protocol (I never will reveal my full protocols 😉 ) I only have to take at nighttime, so I have this mentality that if I take my protocol at bedtime, I will “sleep it off”.  Well Kimmiecakes, that sure is some wishful thinking. I completely underestimated this protocol.
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BUT:
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🙂

I honestly don’t know why my mind went to Star Wars writing today. Maybe I subconsciously want to watch a marathon on TV. Or maybe Yoda and I have been speaking the same language lately. Either way.

The first day of treatment really wasn’t so bad. I have dealt with far worse. One of my antibiotics, Septra DS (Bactrim), makes me dry out like a raisin. Everything tastes disgusting, and I find myself continuously blinking because my eyes get so dry it makes me feel like I am looking through translucent glass. I was able to make a decent sized dinner for a few nights, and even used my bike for 20 minutes. Day one was about the best of it.

Tuesday everything really kicked in. There was no “sleeping off” my nighttime medication. I was so weak and lightheaded, hot, and was one of those days I found myself sitting on the toilet and puking in a trash can. Fortunately, which rarely happens, I actually did feel some relief after I got sick. Nausea is awful. Throwing up without any nausea relief is the worst.

I decided it was best I skip my biofilm regimen for the evening. Do I take some cheap stuff and risk barfing my expensive pills? Or do I just try to attempt to keep my expensive pills down. Sorry, I am a rule breaker. But sometimes you just have to make decisions.

That evening, I fell asleep right around my usual early evening nap time. Dave said he had tried to wake me for hours, he even went to massage therapy and back and I didn’t budge. He was already long in bed when I got up around 12:30 in the morning. I took all my pills, and transferred myself to bed.

I was up fairly early on Wednesday, maybe because I had slept nearly 15 hours. I was still nauseated, and felt like I was floating. My chest hurt. My mother-in-law was coming over after she got out of work, so you know what that meant. Clean. Don’t show her that your house is a dump. After about 5 minutes of work I wanted to curl up into a ball. The cleaning was needed anyway, as long as things look okay from afar. LOL She brought over dinner which was a big help. I actually made it until 6:00 before I fell asleep.

Oh my gosh it was a long night to say the least. I stayed up a little after my nap, watching some old reruns. I have been on a “Friends” binge lately. I was so tired, but  I couldn’t fall asleep even with my klonopins, I was tossing and turning, I felt like an inferno, completely on fire and trying not to puke.  I went to the couch because I didn’t want to wake Dave up.

Today is Flagyl day one. I avoided my gagging before even taking my metallic pill by not even going into the kitchen, and brushed my teeth right before I took it, to avoid its nasty flavor it leaves in your mouth. It was one of those mornings that I really should have washed my hair, it was drenched, as well as my pajama shirt, but I knew it wasn’t worth it. Even something like a good shower can take a lot out of you. I would rather make it count when I do.

I decided to to do my blood work this morning instead of tomorrow… the official “bomb day”. My thoughts were that if I feel so lousy now, how am I going to do if I have to take EVERYTHING. The sitting and waiting. The lighting. A day early probably won’t change anything. At least I had a familiar face draw my blood, no multiple stab wounds, and I didn’t have to wait long before I was called in. The hand raising began in the waiting room, and I am pretty sure I frightened the little old lady next to me.

I then headed to work. I did some crediting on the computer and had good intentions of a lot of other dub work I keep meaning to do, but gave up on that pretty quickly. I felt high, foggy, nauseated. My body ached like I have the flu.

I went and picked up a quick dinner on my way home and get a prescription refilled. I was rocking back and forth leaning on the wall for dear life at the pharmacy, and when she asked me what I needed, I exclaimed, “BAH AH BAH BAH BAH…… Omnicef”.  Haha. My brain is fried.

I went to the hospital on my way home since they are pretty quick about getting my blood work done as long as it isn’t a specialty test that needs to be sent to another laboratory. You would have laughed at my parking job. I am either Lyme brained or a woman driver. Oy. I was not only taking up one parking spot, nor two. Three.

I was pretty shocked to see my sodium levels were right at the low level, when I take my medication to raise them, and was told to eat a salty diet! What the heck? My kidneys seem to still be okay which is exciting. I was afraid that this regimen could potentially cause issues. My lymph % is low. This means that your body is low on infection resistance. But aha! One of the “fixes” is antibiotics. Well I’ll be damned! My Neut% is high. It can mean several things. Two being bacterial infections and medications. Yeah. So that would be my guess.

I finally got my hands on a thermometer, since I misplaced mine (I will just blame it on Dave, it is easier that way), and over the course of the day 101.5, 101.7. No wonder why I feel yucky! I wondered what my temperature was last night when I was completely miserable. Or the day before when it was 90 degrees out yet I was in full pajamas and cuddled under two comforters.  At least I know with a fever, my body is fighting, and it is killing bugs.

Dave’s Mom brought over Chinese food, which is a few days early for our Chinese food bomb day dinner, but I kept it going with a box of crab rangoons to add to our leftovers and I made a salad so I wouldn’t feel like such a piggy and at least eat something good for me. It didn’t help at all with the nausea. Boo.

My goal of the night was to make sure Dave woke me up after napping and to do 10 minutes on the bike. No matter how I felt. I can feel my feet and they are freezing, so I know the blood is pooling a bit again. My toes are a little on the bluish side. I ended up doing 15 minutes. A rockstar, I know.

There is only one more day of treatment this week. This is about the opposite of fun. But you have to do what you have to do. A bit of suffering now to get my life back is worth it. If only time flew by on weeks like this, instead of feel like it stands still. It will always be worth it.

June Part 4 – In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb

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Okay, my title of today’s blog may be a bit of an exaggeration, but compared to the rest of the week, I am happy to say that I finished out strong, and felt pretty much like a rockstar.

I was pretty much couch bound this entire week, just getting what I had to get done at work, and heading straight home to lay down and rest, or take a nap. The house clutter was getting a bit ridiculous, and there were literal tumbleweeds of pet hair on my floors. It wasn’t even worth the hassle of showering, one, because I knew I would pass out, and secondly, I was a sweaty mess and would come out of the shower continuing to be a sweaty mess. Thanks Babesia! Ew, I know.

Gayle did a lot of detox work on me this week, and used epsom salts as well as some essential oils that I don’t seem to have a throat reaction to. Funny, how some Lyme patients swear by them, but most I cannot even be in the same room if a bottle is opened or my throat completely closes up. Peppermint, citruses, and lavender seem to be my safe ones.

Wednesday was the worst day for me. The first day of Flagyl. I woke up in the morning, and just getting out of bed and standing, my heart raced around 165 bpm. That’s pretty high for just standing. My blood pressure was normal however, at 116/63. I pressed my button, sending the hospital my very short information, but I have yet to send them the full download of my experience.

I just mentally haven’t been able to. Maybe next week. I know it will just leave me frustrated and enraged, as I will not be believed, there will be no answers, and my favorite one yet is repeatedly being told I am some sort of recreational drug user/alcoholic/party girl. News to me! *Rolls eyes* Like I said, I will wait to send them the information. I am not in a rush to be beaten when I am already down.

I did what I could for the work day, and had several errands I wanted to run: go to the bank, the post office, pick out cards for Father’s Day, graduations and birthdays, get gas since my car was running on fumes.

I pulled into the little plaza, took one look at it, and it seemed like miles and miles away. I was completely fogged and depersonalized, my arms felt like they were weighed down, and my legs were rubber. Yup… this isn’t happening today. I really wanted to get everything done, but I really know my limits, and I knew what would happen. I really didn’t feel like someone scraping me off the ground, or even worse, call 911. I should really have a Flava Flav clock-sized necklace that says NEVER CALL 911. Then maybe I would be up for more challenges on my own. People would probably think I was crazy though. I suppose at this point I am beginning to think that I am.

I drove home to something very familiar, tears building up in my eyes. And then they were flowing. Then came the panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, completely hyperventilating. My chest ached terribly. I ended up throwing up all over myself, and once that was all done, I had a seizure. My body and brain must have just got completely overwhelmed and overstimulated, as I really haven’t seized in a long time.

My mind was exhausted, and I was exhausted, so I did nothing for the rest of the day other than nod in and out of sleep. I was pretty scared that this was only my first day of Flaygyl. So what was bomb day going to be like? If I am handling something so poorly with a few other supplements and antibiotics, how am I going to be the following day, when I am taking more antibiotics, antimalarials, and herbals than one could dream of? !

Well.. I can tell you that everything changed, and I finished out strong. I needed this so much. I promised myself the day before that I would be able to accomplish everything I intended to do the day before, and guess what, I did. I accomplished that and more!

I ended up starting the day with a shower… for everyone’s sake including my own, took my piles of pills, tinctures, and some gross yellow chalky stuff you may know about 😉 , and off to work I went. I made it there a few hours, doing dub work like bank statements, but I ended up leaving work because I was beginning to get to the point of getting upset trying to figure something out, and I know when I get to that point there is no turning back and it is all downhill from there.

It can surely be very difficult to feel like your head is in the clouds when you are a bookkeeper. That’s for sure. So, instead of having a temper tantrum like a two year old, I called it quits for the day.

I then got ALL my errands done. I went to my bank to take out a bit of money, got the cards I needed, went to the store, got a gift card for a friend’s child who graduated sixth grade, dropped off the card and gift card and headed home. No tears this time!

Did I stop there? Nope!

I decided I still had some spoons left (Read the spoon theory if you haven’t, it is a must for those with chronic illness, or for those to try to understand it), and I went on a mini cleaning spree. I swept and vacuumed, put a load of laundry in, changed my bed, cleaned the sink and toilet, and kind of did a half-assed job dusting..but whatever. It is the thought that counts. WOW!

I didn’t go without having to take some breaks and dry heaving a little bit, but I finished everything. When I sat down and admired my much happier house (remember, a clean house is a happy house!), it put a huge smile on my face knowing that I did that. I accomplished so much when just a day earlier I was unable to do anything at all. And I did this all on an extremely heavy antibiotic protocol. Go me!

I was down to a few plastic spoons in the back of the silver wear drawer so I decided to have Dave get take out. If you know me at all, you know exactly what I got. CHINESE FOOD! It was my week one bomb day after all. I am very happy that I can say I had a better and more functional day. When you have days like I had the day before, no matter how positive or optimistic person you are, you certainly lose some of that good energy and it really beats you up.

Today I am on a little break from treatment. Usually, the days after bomb day are pretty brutal, but I am doing alright. I was a grumpy Gus at work, but I was feeling pretty overwhelmed with more and more tasks to be done getting thrown on my desk, and there was so much paperwork strewn about that you couldn’t even SEE my desk. One thing at a time people! I have been a bit foggy and fluish I guess you could say.

Now, I guess the last part of my week, and a message I want to give you all is something that was a challenge for me, and I did it. I needed a refill of one of my seizure meds and had to get that taken care of, but you know that horrid depression, paranoia, anxiety, hallucinations I was facing on Cipro, as well as being “floxed”? Floxed is a term for when Ciprofloxacin gets at your tendons.

If you missed a little bit about my mental state a few weeks ago, here is one of the articles I wrote : https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2015/06/03/june-part-1-two-brains/

This is a good lesson to all of you. I was really embarrassed, as there is such a stigma with any sort of mental issues, and  I was almost treating it like it was my own fault even though I know it was either toxins, Bartonella itself, or brain swelling, but I called Dr J and told him about my foot, but was extremely concerned about my mental wellbeing and told him everything. I am also not one to complain. I am one of the last people to call a doctor about a concern. I suck it up (I usually get a lot of guff about this because apparently most of my “suck it ups” are “ummm… you belong in the ER” type situations). I am glad I didn’t this time.

It has been two very bad rounds like this. Although I pushed through, and I had that other part of my brain tell me that it will all pass and I will be okay, I knew I needed a break from taking this drug. I needed a replacement. Cipro has been one of the most beneficial drugs to me thus far, but I just can’t take it anymore. At least for now.

Imagine if I took this next round, or another, and DIDN’T have that part of my brain telling me it would all pass and to be strong through the storm? I made the right decision, and Dr J fully agreed I needed to immediately stop. When you are in that terrible state of mind, there is no telling what you will do, and all I can say is thank my lucky stars I had a bigger part of me pulling all my strength and having me hold on through the torture because it knew that it wasn’t me at all.

I am glad I set my ego aside. The feeling like I am whining or complaining. This was something that I really had to do, and next week I will be starting my replacement along with my other medications, Clindamycin. I took this antibiotic in IV form, we shall see how the oral form likes me. Either way, it HAS to be better than the mental issues I was dealing with.

If you know or think something isn’t right, tell your doctor. They do not know something is wrong unless you tell them. Be your own advocate. I did, and I am not afraid any longer.

Happy weekend everyone!

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December Part 14 – Christmas Cookies

Friday was a long day. I think I overdid it the day before with all of my “adventures”, okay… I am positive I did. I actually got up for my 9 o’clock alarm and sat on the couch to be able to wake up enough to begin the day. I then took my dixie cup bath and realized I had completely forgot about my dog outside. This seems to be an ongoing pattern with me. LOL At least he loves it out there regardless as to it being cold outside. He never seems to hold a grudge. 🙂

I felt like I didn’t get a lot of sleep and was pretty achy. I was still having problems with my left ear, making me pretty concerned. I might end up making an appointment with the ear doctor in town. I really don’t want to but if it continues on, I might not have a choice. I would rather be on the safe side, even though Dr J is convinced it is a neurological issue.

I went to work and was feeling pretty unmotivated so I got what I needed to get done then forced myself to do some extra work because I knew there was an ice storm coming our way and I am not sure how this new protocol is going to work out for me. I have heard from a few that it’s going to be a doozy. All I can do is think positive and think it’s not to be a doozy, I will be okay, and I will conquer it with minimal discomfort.

Dave was gone for the evening so I stuffed my face with a gluten-free tuna noodle casserole I made the day before. There was a smidgen left and I called Dave to see if he wanted it or if he had already had dinner, and got a “there was nothing left!” from him. So you know what I did? I ate it all. Dave seemed pretty bummed I left him no leftovers when he returned home.

Know what buddy? You snooze you lose! LOL I am eating now because I know the next few weeks I probably won’t have a big appetite. That is how I am justifying it, anyways. 😉

On his trip out for the evening, he went to the grocery store to pick out a cake for his Mother’s birthday over the weekend, and picked up stuff so I can make candies, jerky, and do some baking over the weekend. Perfect to do as we were expecting the storm. Not that I venture outside much these days. I am not much of a baker but it isn’t too difficult to do as I can always sit in a kitchen chair to do all the mixing. I can make it happen. 🙂 My biggest downfall is I don’t take the time to measure. I promise I will fix this. Maybe not this time around, but I will!

I got in a rage at him because I sent him a text for what we needed at the store. “Sugar cookies, the kind you cut and put on the pan”. You know what he got? A bag of sugar, AND ALSO cookies you put on the pan. CHOCOLATE CHIP. Pshhh. This man clearly does not know that sugar cookies are the primary cookie of Christmas. Clearly.

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I guess I can’t complain because I feel like the grocery store would still be too much for me, especially with the lights in there. I might be able to tackle it with Dave there, and if it was too much I could at least have him help me out to the car and I could wait for him to finish up and drive home.

I also can’t complain because he literally does everything for me. I’m wicked sometimes, I know this.

But I couldn’t shake the anger feeling. You know what? I am GLAD I ate the rest of the tuna noodle casserole! Ha! Irrational, crazy, Kimmiecakes. Those chocolate chip cookies just won’t be the same as Christmasy sugar cookies 😦

I was freezing for the rest of the night, and my ear was still absolutely driving me crazy. To the point of pissing me off. I just curled up in a ball and watched Lifetime movies. No writing. No research for future blogs. A whole lot of nothing.

Although it is a good thing to relax, especially being sick, I couldn’t help to feel a little guilty knowing I should have been picking up around the house a bit. Anything productive, really. Bake some of the “Un-Christmaslike” cookies, make beef jerky, or the candies. Instead I couldn’t get myself up to do anything.

I knew I would have regrets about this because I knew I would be scrambling to get things done over the weekend. I wanted to prepare myself as much as possible in case I end up rendered completely useless over the next month. It is going to be okay. It is going to be okay. Breathe. It is going to be okay.