Year 7 – Behind the Fake Smile

My 7 year anniversary pile of pills. Gross.

I know, I know, I have been terrible keeping up with my blog. Between having brain fog, being easily distracted, losing all train of thought, and pure exhaustion, it just ends up getting put on the back burner.

I recently had my seven year anniversary with my Lyme and Coinfection journey. Oh joy. What a long seven years it has been.

Being so behind, I was going to do a full update for everyone. It’s in the works, I promise.

However, I feel with it being another year, another anniversary, today’s post seems more fitting.

I have always sworn to be real and honest with everyone. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I have decided to share the mental struggles I have been experiencing, being sick for so long.

This past year has been incredibly tough. I am getting burnt out.

This is not a pity party, it is my truth. I don’t openly talk about this subject. Many don’t. Kind of a taboo topic, you fear judgment and it’s just plain uncomfortable to share.

You know what though? I feel like it is important to share, because I am real, raw, and honest for my readers.

I have learned over the years that people after awhile prefer the very short hand version of how you are feeling or if there is any updates.

I will nearly always give an “Okay!”, with a big smile on my face in response to anyone asking how I am doing. If you really know me though, you know my fake smile and can tell by my eyes I’m clearly not “okay”. I am a pretty terrible liar.

When everything is new, people are much more interested, want to know all the details. They listen intently and ask questions.

Give it a few years. People forget chronic means chronic. This shit doesn’t disappear and honestly, I feel like it all just gets old to everyone around you.

A small newsflash… This got old after about a week, once I had a chance to process this all, when my life turned upside down so many years ago.

It got old when I learned that there is no easy fix, and Lyme isn’t just some “joint pain and flu like symptoms”.

I thought Lyme was no big deal! I would just have to take a short course of antibiotics and I’d be good to go.

I was so wrong on that one, but that is what I was taught. That is what a majority of doctors will tell you, even living in an area where ticks and tick-borne diseases are so prevalent. I put all doctors on a pedestal, I never thought to question anything.

I know that I am not alone in this. And hopefully by reading this entry and you might be experiencing something similar, you will know you are not the only one, you are certainly not alone.

Those who are lucky and can’t relate to any of this, maybe it will help give you some sort of understanding.

I feel like everyone is allowed to have “a day”. When you are dealing with something really hard, in my case living with debilitating illnesses, you need to have some time to be sad. To be angry. To grieve the life you once had.

That is NORMAL. It’s allowed. You just at some point need to dust yourself off and stand back up.

I think unfortunately, my mind has surpassed “having a day”, and is playing constant games with me. I do my very best to not let it win. Ugh. Sometimes I swear the mental issues are far worse than any of the physical issues that go along with any illness.

As much a I have been filled with my “butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns” attitude, I am not going to lie, I often feel completely broken. I am overwhelmed. I am sad, I am downright angry and bitter. I can be a snappy asshole.

I like to keep this all bundled up inside in a nice neat little package. However, over the course of this past year, I have been about a minuscule incident or inconvenience away from exploding with waterworks, panic attacks, and blowing up entirely out of proportion on people that I love and don’t deserve it.

The anxiety and the panic attacks have far from disappeared. The paralyzing anxiety is nearly constant, and the panic attacks seem to be a more and more common occurrence.

I have had a series of meltdowns, one was pretty embarrassing at work. Simple task I know, and a responsibility of working in the office, I can’t handle phone calls. I was bawling, had the snots, all that good stuff.

I had to leave right then and there to go to the dentist. There was no hiding those puffy bloodshot eyes and red nose that had been blown repeatedly before I headed inside. Especially with the dentist being face to face with a girl post meltdown. They are a great group of ladies though, and didn’t make me feel weird about it.

Most of the time I know my brain is headed that direction and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to willpower them away. Tears, shaking, gasping for air to the point I throw up.

There has been plenty of times my Dad for Dave have been on standby wanting to pick me up and take me home. I have always hung in there no matter how long it takes, and get myself home. This is all so exhausting. And incredibly embarrassing for me.

I overthink everything. One example – I did my best to go to my friend’s house for her kiddo’s birthday. It wasn’t a super long drive, and maybe on a better day I wouldn’t have had much of an issue.

I knew about 3/4 of the way to the party I was not doing great. Speed up slow down, hyperfocused on the road and I could feel the anxiety and panic heavy feeling building up in my chest.

Part of it was probably just a “Lymie” day, but I’m sure a huge trigger was going somewhere. It’s annoying I get this way now, even just seeing friends. They are friends! Not some strangers, not an unfamiliar place.

I pulled myself together and maybe made it a solid hour at the party. I knew I had to make the drive home and do it safely so I kind of jumped the gun and said I need to go home. Cars were  packed like sardines so my friend’s husband helped move cars around so I could get out and go home.

I literally thought and analyzed leaving early for about 2 days. Obsessing. I felt like a piece of shit for going home before the opening of presents.

Is everyone annoyed at me? Mad? Oh my god, did anyone say anything about me?

I now have a tendency to isolate myself. As much as I want to reach out to people, the thought of actually doing it gives me anxiety, and I get so much more tired. All I want to do is sleep.

It feels like an extreme amount of energy and it really shouldn’t be. Why am I like this now? I used to be so outgoing and reach out, and now I’m afraid of everything, yet I get a bit lonely. This is a contradiction I’ve created.

Every so often, I see social media pictures and tags of things I missed out on the invite. I get bummed out, as I know once upon a time things were very different. I would have been in all those pictures too.

Could be a million reasons, but I always blame myself. Did I do something wrong? 

My mind keeps repeating over and over that I am not good company. I am a burden. An inconvenience. Forgotten.

Maybe I’m just plain annoying to all those around me. I’m not a big fan of myself quite often, so this could very well be true.

I keep putting so many hypothetical situations in my head fearing the worst even though I know in the back of my mind I know it’s purely hypothetical. Well, yeah, shit happens but you can’t worry about the “what if” situations in life.

My mind plays out if “X” was to happen, how would I handle it?

Oh geez, what if this scenario actually happened! Oh no!

Then I sit and pick apart this purely hypothetical situation over and over again as if it was reality and not something created in my head.

It is big ol’ circle that hasn’t seemed to simmer down.

It has been overwhelming thinking about money, medical bills, work, a schedule full of doctor appointments, and just trying to stay afloat keeping up with basic life tasks or “adulting” as they say.

I do as much as I can to keep up with errands, cleaning (I have been fanatical and can’t just give it a day), and cooking with the new strict diet.

Basically, wifey duties that are making it feel like I never get a break, even though I am putting this all on me. If I just asked Dave or wrote a “honey do” list, he would do it all without any complaints. I just don’t for some reason.

I have a wonderful, seriously the very best Mother-in- law I could possibly have, Sister-in-law, Dad, Mom and Dave to help. I need to just chill out.

I just have this intense need to try to do it all. Maybe it is because I can do so much more now than when I was very very sick. Trying to make up for the lack of independence and fully relying on other people.

There has been a lot of tears being so angry at myself when I hit my limit for the day, or mess up in one way or another.

I put too much on myself and know I am overdoing it. In turn, I feel like I’m failing everyone, and myself. My body physically just can’t do it all.

I will say, I’m a strong believer in “mind over matter” and pushing yourself. I think it is a necessary thing you need to do or you kind of fall into a trap when you have a chronic illness.

It isn’t healthy though when you push yourself so friggin’ hard you feel this way. I fully realize this. Yet I don’t stop.

I often struggle with feeling like I have a purpose. Once upon a time, life was very different. I was fit, active, driven, and I could have had a bright future. I was Valedictorian of my College, and I know I had a lot of potential. How does that saying go again? The world was my oyster? Brain fart. Don’t quote me on that one.

Time seems to have stopped, yet everything and everyone around me has kept going. I think about how life could have been if I didn’t get sick. I feel like I have been robbed.

Would I have had an amazing career? Would I have done anything meaningful? Changed the world? Who knows.

Would I have had kids if I was healthy? I feel like Dave would have been an amazing Dad. He really would have.

He doesn’t talk about this topic, I often wonder if he is resentful in any way. I can barely take care of myself a lot of days, it just isn’t in the cards.

I was never like this. I was happy-go-lucky. I would shrug off anything that bugged me. I wouldn’t let things get to me or ruin my day. What the hell happened to me?

All I know is now I can’t even handle normal tasks. I can’t even get out of bed on time. I am unintentionally an extremely unreliable person.

I’m that person I would have hated when I was healthy. I was punctual, reliable, someone that you could always count on, 24 hours a day.

There is a small blessing in disguise of having Narcolepsy. Having a bad day? Feeling stressed ? Feeling downright yucky?

I just skip out on my meds and spend 5 minutes on the couch. Out like a light, it is a nice band-aid tool once in awhile.

A negative of Narcolepsy – hallucinations and paralysis. The spiders that are everywhere. The non-existent firetruck sirens that are blasting, and all the flashing lights right outside my window. The what I can only describe as a monster like demon that has come through the ceiling to terrorize me at night from the time I was a child.

My body is frozen, all I can do is close my eyes and hope it all goes away. I know it’s not real. This crap is actually pretty normal for someone with Narcolopsy. But in the moment it still really sucks.

I do have far better days than this all, but as odd as this sounds, I often have this fear to even be happy anymore. Or excited. For something great happen to me. Because, in the back of my mind, I wonder just how it will be taken away and I will be punished for it.

I somehow hold tremendous guilt and in turn, I don’t deserve good. Maybe because I feel I owe the world for everything that I had no control over for all these years.

So, there you have it. Mind fuckery at its best. I am so incredibly strong, but it has been rough. Slowly I am coming out of it.

Treatment has helped me come out of this funk some. I don’t like to blame every little thing on the Lyme and coinfections, but history has proven time and time again this all happens when Bart the Beast is in full force. I will not let it win.

With the slightest chance you have not followed my story (Pshh.. you really should as I’m pretty awesome), here is the links to a little summary of the last 6 years of my story –

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/september-7th-2012-one-year/

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2014/09/07/september-7th-2012-two-years/

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2015/09/03/august-7-2012-3-years/

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2016/09/15/september-7th-2012-4-years/

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2017/10/14/year-5-what-i-have-learned-living-with-chronic-illness/

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2018/12/12/september-2012-six-years/

Of course I didn’t forget about my Olive picture! On my blue sky days, I do the things I love.

We did a nice long walk in my little town, enjoying the fall scenery. We also made a stop at the pet store for some treats!

 

September 2012 – Six Years

I have recently reached the six year anniversary of my diagnosis and treatment of Lyme disease and several other tick-borne infections. Okay, it is no longer super recent but I have had a hard time keeping up with my writing.

I am unsure why this year’s anniversary really bothered me. I am assuming that it is because it is an oddball number of years, and past the milestone 1, 3, and 5 years.

Six years of time that I feel like I have lost and was completely robbed of. It isn’t like I can ever get that time back. I am angry, frustrated, and pretty disgusted at this heaping pile of medications that I have put into my body.

Before all of this, I used to not even want to take a Tylenol. Needless to say, things have drastically changed. I know some of you are probably thinking that taking this heaping pile of medications, supplements, tinctures, IV antibiotics, and injections was purely by choice, but I assure you that this was a necessity. To have no control over your body and mind is terrifying. Although I am not “better”, I have surely improved from where I started.

Yeah. The start of this entry probably sounds like a Debbie- Downer post and that’s definitely not my intention. I am certainly not a “why me” kinda gal. I am usually optimistic with my classic “butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns” attitude, but not going to lie, this just plain sucks!

For my optimistic point of view, I have a much better quality of life from where I started from the time of diagnosis to now. I always try to do my best to put things into perspective and look at the big picture. My hard days now are not even comparable to what they were in the years that have passed.

Since it is my six year anniversary, here is the links to a little summary of the last 5 years of my story –

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/september-7th-2012-one-year/
https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2014/09/07/september-7th-2012-two-years/
https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2015/09/03/august-7-2012-3-years/

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2016/09/15/september-7th-2012-4-years/

https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2017/10/14/year-5-what-i-have-learned-living-with-chronic-illness/
Dave has been my rock throughout all of this. He loves me and has experienced every part of everything just has much as I have. I recognize this can’t be easy on him either to say the least. Although he might not be the one that is sick, his life has forever changed too, as well as the roles in our marriage.

In an instant, we went from a loving partnership and always going on adventures, enjoying hobbies together, and ahem..lots of intimacy (sorry TMI to my Mom and my MIL!), to him becoming my babysitter, my caregiver, someone I rely on way more than his share.

I have so much appreciation for him with how amazing he has been to me over the years. Honestly, it does make me sad for him, and I oftentimes find myself having feelings of guilt linger over me for being sick. I obviously cannot help it, but I am sure it is a lot for him to handle.

I really don’t know what I would do without him. He gets the biggest, shiniest trophy and gold star for taking our vows seriously. Tomorrow is our 10 year wedding anniversary. It takes a real strong person to step up to the plate and not bail when these things happen.

My parents have been a HUGE help every step of the way. My in-laws, my friends that have truly actually stuck around for the long haul. Under shitty circumstances, I am quite lucky to have the support that I do.

I have had a few appointments with Dr S since I last wrote. Let’s play catch up.

I did a poo sample through a company called Diagnostic Solutions. It is a very specific test that uses DNA and looks at all sorts of bacteria, enzymes, pathogens, parasites…the whole 9 yards.

Well, my test results were “off”. “Off” as in I was reported to the state. LOL Dr S sent me an email with my results and a heads up that I was reported by the company, as I guess they are legally obligated to do so. Fabulous. For a few weeks I was slightly antsy every time the phone rang, wondering if the state was going to call me.

The reason I was reported to the state was for having high levels of Salmonella. I did show other infections too, not in any sort of alarming levels (even Cholera?!) as well as needing to address gut issues as all the “happy bacteria” was pretty much nonexistent.

What I don’t quite understand is how I can have all of these problems and not be crapping my brains out and violently throwing up. I dunno. Either way, it was time for all these critters to go away.

This all put a further halt to being on any sort of antibiotic treatment. The importance of gut health is really underrated. Dr S really knows the importance of gut health, and that has remained a focus for a long time although I am now weaning my way back to some sort of treatment. It is modified from what I am used to, and I am now on several herbals, mostly addressing Bart the Beast. I will be adding Septra to my protocol pretty soon.

Hmm. I finally had another appointment with my ENT doctor for my Lymph nodes. It was all around kind of annoying. While I was dealing with my tonsils, he had suggested aspirating or a biopsy to test and see if they could find any answers.

This time, he suggested doing another scan, maybe one more specific. He told me he would talk to the radiologist and see what would be best.

I showed him my array of other blood work and he definitely minimized a lot of things. He told me there wasn’t really anything that reveals anything to be wrong with me. Odd.

I have had 6 other doctors: the sleep neurologist, my regular neurologist, Dr S, my gynecologist, my orthopedic  doctor, and even my primary care doctor in which you are aware of how much he is a fan of me if you have been following my story all agree and acknowledge that something is wrong. There is beyond chronic inflammation. They just don’t know what is causing it. Most even commented on my continuous levels of EBV being high.

The ENT did say that there wouldn’t be a completely specific cause because there are so many lymph areas that are effected instead of one specific area, but finishing the appointment I felt pretty blown off.

I looked at my notes online that he wrote on the patient portal records to see if he was just being a dink, and he was. Chronic EBV (mono), an unknown systemic infection.

No shit. Let’s figure out WHAT this systemic infection is already. I knew it was going to be a project in the back of my mind. It took 7 months for him to take out my tonsils with his wait and see approach.

I waited a week with no calls about any new scans and decided to give their office a call.

My first phone call back (a few days later) from the nurse went as follows..

“He talked to the radiologist and it was decided that a new scan won’t help as you already had one. Can you tell me what lymph nodes are bothering you, how long this has been an issue, and which ones seem to be the worst?”

WTF! Was I the only one at my appointment? I told her I was literally in his office about a week ago and I talked to him, showed him my issues, he looked in my mouth, down my throat, and he felt all of these swollen lymph nodes.
I then told her that I have been a patient since July 2017, my issues became a real problem the very end of May 2017, but I even have photos dated back to November 2016 showing that these lymph nodes were a problem back then.

“I’ll talk to him and call you back with what to do.”

Annnnnddddd the second call. I’m a bit confused. I think he broke up with me? What do you all think? I am pretty sure I got dumped!

She told me I had two options. Option one was to call if it is a persistent problem or gets worse. It’s been 2016. I’d say it has been a persistent problem.

Here is a flattering photo of myself that I sent Dr S around Thanksgiving that year. I included in my email something along the lines of “Look at my messed up throat, gobble gobble, Happy Thanksgiving!”

I then told her it was a problem and asked if I should schedule an appointment as I wasn’t rescheduled for any sort of follow up. She then told me to not reschedule and he will not perform any further testing on me.

Soooo. Call the office if it gets worse, then I was told he won’t do the tests he had mentioned in the past, and then it jumps to, “Do not call and make another appointment with us.”

Isn’t that conflicting?

I asked for a referral to someone who might be able to help with my situation. She told me he will not refer me to anyone else.

My second option that she gave me was to go to my primary care doctor to figure something else out and was told that maybe they can refer me to someone else.

Uhhhh. They referred me to you.

I flat out asked her at that point if that was his way of dumping me as a patient, and she got all flustered and said, “No no! That’s not what I am saying at all!”

“Well, you just told me to not reschedule with you guys, he won’t perform any tests, nor will he at the very least refer me elsewhere. I am pretty sure that is getting rid of me as a patient.”

She then just reverted to the start of the conversation, verbatim, like an automated phone call when you accidentally get sent back to the beginning of the prompts when you press the wrong button.

I’m pretty sure that is shooing me away. I really have no idea where to go from here with my lymph nodes. After phone call #1 that morning I was holding back a panic attack and the waterworks telling my Dad about it.

Call #2 I think I expected this to happen in the back of my mind as I had time to reflect, but I was really mad. When Dave came home from work that day, I told him that I couldn’t talk about it when he asked how my calls went and I would discuss it later.

I knew I would take all my anger and frustration out on him. Dave told me, “That’s okay! Let me know what’s going on! I’m used to it.”

Oy. Not now Dave. Not now. ROAR

I gave it about an hour to even say a peep and I stayed in the kitchen in the meantime isolating myself. I think anyone even breathing loudly around me would have set me off.

I know I am strong even though I don’t always feel like it. I was telling Dave as I could feel my eyes well up with tears that I am just so angry. I feel as though everyone is giving up on me.

The one doctor that actually gives a crap and goes out of his way is fairly limited on what he can do for me. The way half these Drs are with their egos, they will not put his input into consideration whatsoever. It is infuriating. Not only being lost, but feeling like people are failing me left and right is a terrible feeling.

For the past few months I have had headaches here and there, and now it is a daily occurrence . I tend to have a lot of back of the head type headaches, but now they are in the front. The pain goes from my temples, my jaw and then radiates down my neck and to my shoulders.

I narrowed it down to my jaw maybe being a contributing factor, and I was right. I dragged myself to the dentist and got a check up and told them what has been going on with these darn headaches.

They did the usual x rays and exam first. I was VERY surprised that not only was there zero cavities, but there was no signs of gingivitis or periodontal disease. I was thinking that my gums would be a problem because my mouth gets incredibly dry on a lot of my medications. Hooray! That was one less worry in my mind.

I told them about my recent diagnosis of arthritis in my knee, and they were a bit worried that it could be part of why my jaw is a mess. Nope! I was diagnosed with TMJ (add it to the laundry list of shit wrong with me). My teeth have also shifted to the point that I not only have an overbite, but I have what is called an open bite, so I can’t completely close my mouth all the way.

I got the jokes from Dave about never shutting my mouth (hardy har har *eye roll*) but at least I have a legitimate reason now!

Dr S also got a laugh because if you remember for a long time, especially on Cipro, I kept feeling like my bottom teeth were loose or moving. I told him that I’m not crazy, they really were all along! Seeee? Seeee??!!!  Looking back, I might have been given an “If you say so” look in response as well as a laugh.

So, braces for this gal. Luckily I am able to get away with Invisalign. I wasn’t sure how I felt being 31 years old with a mouth full of metal. I am not really looking forward to having Invisalign either upon reading that you can only have clear liquids with them in, you have to brush your teeth and floss every time you take them out to eat or drink anything else, and you need to wear them roughly 22 hours a day.

I suppose I can pound my 64 ounces of coffee daily, right? I’m sure it will be fine once I get into a rhythm and routine for everything. As of right now it just sounds like a pain in the ass.

I just got blood work done through Dunwoody labs that is a much more extensive version of the Alcat test that shows food intolerances. Igg, Igm, I will let you all know if the test is worth it once I get my results.

I figured I would revisit the basics and see if there was something adding to my inflammation. I know it isn’t the answer, but process of elimination and if there is something that is making my body any worse it’s worth eliminating.

Last week I did a round of Coartem to see how I would react. I was feverish, even more POTSY, and in a fog. I was even sleepier than usual, so there was a lot of napping. I was more reactive to Coartem than last year, but it was absolutely nothing like the first time I took it many years ago. I stared at a wall the entire time Dave was at work for over 9 hours. No pee breaks, no changing out of my jammies, no TV on. Just staring blankly.

I was at least fairly functional for most of the day. I do find it makes me feel more emotional, which I didn’t really need as my anxiety and panic levels have been through the roof lately.

I will be starting my one antibiotic along with herbals this week. I’ll be interested to see how I will feel considering I haven’t been on any actual antibiotics for months. One to start, baby steps.

My Tourette’s syndrome and stuttering has been more apparent lately. When I feel worse, which I feel like I have been slightly going backward these days, it definitely kicks it into high gear.

Oh gosh. I had “a day”. I had to go to the post office when I was done work to send some mail certified. I was waiting in line and I could feel my body, rocking, rocking, swaying in the non existent breeze. I could feel my hands moving all around, so I kept trying to at least keep the empty hand in my pocket so it was less noticeable.

The verbal aspect of my Tourette’s syndrome is like a ginormous sneeze brewing. Trying to hold it in makes it 10 times as bad as just involuntarily blurting out whatever your brain feels like in that given moment.

I was dumb and held in that sneeze. Oh god. Oh god.  *ACHOOOOOOO!!!!*

“NAAA NAAAAA NAAAAAAA!!!!!!!”

The guy next to me in line backed away quickly, like I was either going to spontaneously  combust or this was something he could catch by standing near me.

It has been awhile for any outbursts, but they’re back! Super. At least it doesn’t bother me like it used to when it first started. Although it was a bit embarrassing, seeing the guys reaction and facial expression was pretty funny.

The tendon issues from my arm have now spread to my hand. My body isn’t happy with me and is beginning to scream in pain many days. I have been foggy, depersonalized, shaky, and nauseated even not taking any antibiotics.

 

Yesterday, I went to the store and had to sit in my car for nearly an hour because I was so out of it and I was having a hard time feeling my arms and legs. My fingers and feet were tingly and numb and I was beginning to feel dizzy and nauseas. I actually left work early today and I always stick it out. I just feel awful.

I am really hoping starting treatment will either keep me more stabilized or put me on the right track again.

I have done a lot in the past few months, probably too much. I have been in a frenzy cleaning when I have any better days. I almost think it is partially OCD or slight manic behavior, as I kind of feel mentally much better on those better days and kind of an overly happy-ish feeling, and it follows by several awful days that my mind plays horrible games with me. It’s a vicious cycle.

I have driven further than I have in years since I last wrote, 45 minutes each way. Only once and with my copilot, Dave, but that is pretty great!

I had to take Cooper to the vet to get some lumps and bumps checked out (he’s fine, thank god, he’s just a lumpy meatball I guess LOL ), and that was a lonnnnnngggg day.

I was happy when I got home and told Dave my array of errands, work, the vets, driving, and he brought up such a good point. “You may feel awful, but you did it. You couldn’t do that in years.”

He is so right! There is just no flipping way that would be something I could do. Silver linings.

Some days I really just want to say screw it and give up on treatment, pills, protocols, and just see what happens. But, I can’t and I won’t. As much as this sucks I need to keep pushing. I often dream that one day I will just wake up and everything will be all better and this will all be some memory from long ago, and not my current reality.

I know some things will never be the same, and I have pretty much over time learned and grasped that these things will just be there. Chronic Lyme you hope to reach remission and stay there. You have to be vigilant and the flu, a stressful event, even at random you can spiral right out of remission that you worked so hard for.

Narcolepsy there is no cure for. Tourette’s syndrome and a lot of other conditions I deal with can be stabilized but that doesn’t magically make them disappear. Chronic means chronic. If you reach a level of normalcy in any way, you constantly have in the back of your mind this fear that everything is going to come back full force. This is all my current reality.

That’s okay. Fine. I think every single one of us with a chronic illness grieves what once was, and share the same dream that this will all just be a memory. But I want to FEEL okay.

I need to keep pushing, fighting, making phone calls. I know I can do better than this. This is not where my end point in healing is. No way. So, I need to fight and fight, never give up. I know little bits and pieces can improve, there are things missing. What they are? We are still trying to figure this out.

Those little little bits and pieces can drastically change my life for the better, and that is what I need to keep fighting for. Onto year seven, I’ll say what I do every year, this will be my year. This time, maybe it will.

I have to include Ms Olive of course! My picture wasn’t too successful, she wasn’t having it and it appears that I have been photobombed..

August 2018 – And So I Wait…

Well, sometimes no news is good news. Most people making great strides in recovering from Lyme, improving daily, and finally reaching that glorious word, “remission” fall off the face of the Earth when it comes to Lyme groups, updates, basically anything with the word Lyme in it. They are no longer sitting on Facebook looking for advice, sharing advice, giving moral support and virtual hugs.

They are out living their lives. Catching up on sometimes years and years of time that has slipped away. I can’t say I blame them though. Of course, there is the continued advocates, but a lot of people just want to leave this crappy chunk of their lives in the past.

Then, there are those with the whole no news bit, which means the news isn’t looking that great. Unfortunately, that’s about where I’m at right now.

As you know, I had a pretty big break in my treatment due to my arm. I had gone without any treatment from the beginning of April until mid June. That has to be one of my longest breaks.

I have had a couple breaks that were long throughout my treatment, but all of those consisted of other elements of treatment. Restoring the gut, fixing a big fungal infection that is linked to eating unwashed grapes (go figure, only me LOL), as well as giving my poor ol’ angry organs a rest.

My only reasons for the break were first and foremost solely working on my arm to avoid any surgery, as well as the fear of explaining to doctors WHY I am taking the humongous CVS receipt sized medication list. Then having a pissing match with said doctor.

Or have that agree to disagree argument that I am here for x,y and z, yet their opinion of you went right in the shitter, so you know exactly how the rest of your appointment will go. Yeah. No thanks.

I finally started my new treatment protocol after my appointment with Dr S. My poisons of the month were mino, clarithromycin, and plaquenel.

In my mind, compared to what I have done for protocols in the past, this was gravy. Only 3 things? Easy peasy. Right? Wrong!!! I certainly misjudged that one!

I got a laugh during my appointment about the Plaquenel. I have been on Plaquenel in the past, but if you are not familiar with the drug, It is really important to get your eyes checked when on this medication.

He told me that thin, small women are at the highest risk of developing retina problems on this drug. I was waiting for the, “So, at least you have nothing to worry about”. LOL I guess I am still considered petite, even though lately may mind has reverted to my past, worrying about my weight.

I’ll give a disclaimer, I am not actually repeating my past, but once you have lived with years of having an eating disorder, I would assume those thoughts will always be on your mind here and there. It is probably the same as someone who has overcome an addiction, whether it is alcohol or drugs. The difference is if you act upon it.

The problem is, in my mind I am much bigger than I actually am (even though I know I’m by no means overweight), and I obsessively check the scale. I have found myself looking at boxes and looking up calories for everything. Even though this is the complete opposite, I sometimes eat and eat late at night, I just pig out. Then I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. All the while, I am looking at those calories while I am doing it, yet I am unable to stop.

I am not really sure what is considered normal, if other people feel that way? That sense of guilt? I will literally think about it for the entire next day with “what I did the night before”. Normal? I don’t really know. Maybe it is for other people when they have that late night slice of pizza to feel awful about that choice the following day. What’s normal anyway?

I look at the scale and somehow find myself feeling guilt, I don’t really know how to explain it. Looking back at my records of how I was 105 pounds a few years ago. I was so sick. I know I looked gross.

When Dave had to bathe me because I was unable, he even made the comment, “You look like you are at a concentration camp. Your ribs, hips and collar bone are sticking out.”

It’s true, it didn’t suit me at all being a size 1-3 in juniors. But my mind is looking at numbers. I just plain can’t help it.

In my personal opinion, this is probably Bartonella related. Everytime Bartonella is a target ,my mind likes playing games with me. Anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations, hearing voices, memories coming back to me, a history of suicidal thoughts.

I often find myself now obsessively cleaning, worrying about every little thing and overanalyzing conversations to the point of being paranoid, not even remembering buying a slew of scratch tickets, or ordering random crap online. It feels like Christmas coming home to tons of packages on my porch that I have no knowledge of ordering.

At least I’ve gotten better with the late night shopping sprees lately.. probably because I at least now remember that I have no money haha. My mood and personality can change immensely, I experienced severe rage when I first poked the Bart bear.

I think it’s still angry though, well, that is a given, I had a temper tantrum the other day at the store, total word vomit. I was blocked in by two vehicles and was yelling all sorts of things that aren’t appropriate and also not normal for my character.

I also find myself getting very short with people, and just come out with jerky replies that I put no thought into and just blurt things out. Usually Dave gets the blunt of these remarks. At least he is a really forgiving guy and certainly puts up with a lot and understands it isn’t always necessarily “me” spewing out jerkish things.

BUT, rant of the day, as I am on the topic of questioning and blaming a lot on Bartonella at the moment, I will definitely say and shout from the rooftops as it is so common in groups, and talking to anyone, they tend to immediately blame every single thing with their body on Lyme and co’s, or, upon observation, one of the new hot topics is mast cell. You just can’t do that.

When you are undergoing treatment, a lot of lifestyle changes need to be made. Things you are intolerant to that maybe never bothered you before can flare up big time. I always recommend the Alcat test. It shows intolerances, which are different from allergies, and shows these intolerances ranging from mild to severe, and a rotation diet is recommended to help.

I know when I first started treatment, I absolutely couldn’t have any sugar, gluten, or corn products. I could feel the inflammation, and it actually made it hard for me to breathe, and I would be in a ton of pain and bogged down.

It stopped as treatment moved along and I started making improvements.  Yea, probably a histamine issue, But, that isn’t mast cell. I am by no means claiming to be an expert on the topic, but true mast cell is pretty horrific from my understanding. These are likely just plain things that cause more of a reaction than before when you were healthy.
Every rash, every mark, things that are clearly normal become questioned or worrisome. When taking a hot shower, you will be a little red temporarily. If you have your face or body smoothed on a textured throw pillow or couch you will have some marks, and let’s be real here, we get stretch marks, we have veins. We are human. These are normal things in life.

Rant over. Point being, it makes one obsessive for nothing, adds extra stress no one needs, and also for the sake of your health, something might have absolutely nothing to do with Lyme and co’s and be a totally different issue, and it isn’t safe to just assume. And it absolutely isn’t doing yourself any favors. Simmer down y’all.

In my case, maybe I am wrong about Bartonella, but the strong correlation is there based on years of history and experience.

I really don’t know what is going on.. within a span of only 2 months my vitamin D levels have dropped from in the mid 30’s to 16. That seems like a really drastic jump in such a short period of time.

Dr S told me that sometimes people that no longer have gallbladders can have an absorption issue, so that may be the culprit, but in the meantime I have swapped over to liquid vitamin D, and have upped my dosage to 20,000 IU a day. That is a lot, but I am hoping when I get retested the levels will improve.

There is a pretty big pattern of not knowing what the heck is going on. Once again, my inflammation levels are through the roof.

When Dr S had suggested what tests I should get from my knee fluid to see what pops up, and looking upon my dictation notes given to me by the Ortho doctor, he got a laugh, as basically he said the exact same thing as Dr S. I am now dubbed as a “diagnostic mystery”. Gotta laugh, but this is beyond frustrating.

I am aware that I am sweaty and gross in this photo and it was kind of hard to figure out the best angle taking the picture myself, but you can kind of get an idea of what my neck and chin have looked like for the past nearly year and a half.

I am really concerned about my lymph nodes, as I am guessing having them effected this badly for so long really can’t be good.

I already had a CT and know they are a mess, but maybe I would benefit from an aspiration of my lymph nodes and get a culture. Needles everywhere draining all my crappy inflammation. Haha. I really don’t care at this point. If I get some answers I am all for it, and maybe that would make them at least temporarily feel better.

On a positive note, I am happy to report that my spleen is no longer enlarged, as Dr S just checked it out during this visit.

Lately, I have been shaky, and I have weird periodic moments that feel like there is nothing around me, maybe a tunnel vision-esque sort of thing? I feel weighted and I cant even move. I am a statue. I push myself really hard and that is when these things tend to be worse.

I think one of the very biggest disappointments lately is I once again had a seizure. I have pretty much been seizure free for a very long time now. What on earth is happening?

I don’t remember the actual seizure, as I normally don’t, but I experienced the all too familiar aura that I just know what is to come. Sometimes I am lucky and have enough time to make it to the couch, the floor, anything, and am able to pop an Ativan. It will either calm my brain down, or it at least won’t be as bad. I didn’t have enough time that day.

I was getting dinner ready when it happened, of course cutting up raw chicken. After the seizure, I came to on my kitchen floor in a bath of chicken juice. Yuck.

Silver linings, the knife was still on the counter, so there was no stab wounds, and I didn’t appear to have hit my head at all. The negative? Someway, somehow, I broke my pointer finger.

The following day I had a PT appointment, and considering we are working on my arm sitting at a table across from one another, I figured I would bring it up. I told the therapist what happened, and showed him my boo boo. He felt it, and clearly felt the lump of bone. “I don’t have an x-ray here, so I can’t officially say that it is broken, but I’d definitely say that is broken”.

Yup. I don’t often break fingers, but I have broken my toes so many times I have lost track. It really isn’t something I worry about too much and am not going to run off to the ER for. He suggested taping my fingers together, but I kind of blew it off, as I have to type for working, so that would just be a pain in the ass. After about a week or two it went back to normal.

The seizure really made me mad. I was so angry, disappointed, and just plain bummed out. Am I going backward so far that this is something that might become a “normal” thing? I certainly hope not. I haven’t had one since, so I am hoping this was an isolated event.

In the meantime, I have been having a really weird issue. I will try to explain it the best I can.

Lately I have been experiencing a really weird breathing issue. I almost get the sensation that I am choking on my tongue. I begin to gasp, choke, I literally cannot breathe. It happens periodically throughout the day with no rhyme or reason, and I have woken up at night disoriented thinking that I am choking on food. This obviously isn’t the case as I was sleeping, but this does freak me out a bit when it happens.

I am having a hard time breathing in general. I have had very bad air hunger, and my chest hurts and has a heavy pressure. It seems like I can’t get a whole breath in, and I almost reach the point of hyperventilating.

The other morning I was laying on the couch, trying to get enough oomph to get ready for the day, and my cat was sitting on my chest. Not only did I have to move her slightly down as it hurt, I was hearing wheezing and had no idea where it was coming from. I held my breath for a few seconds thinking it was Lucy, only to hear nothing. I started to breathe again, and low and behold, I was the one wheezing away. Greaaatttttt….
It has also been pretty darn hot here lately. I really don’t tolerate higher temperatures, which is common for people with POTS, but I try to go outside a little bit everyday just sitting with the dogs, or cooking dinner on the grill.

I feel like the profuse sweating as short a time I am outside helps a little bit to detox out. The downside, these short periods of outdoor time generally make me feel like I am going to black out and nauseated. I just plain don’t handle heat well. I think I am ready for fall.

I had another follow up with Dr S and the game plan as of right now is to become more stable before I do anything at this point. Since I have gone considerably downhill, he doesn’t want me to go right back on treatment and get to a better baseline.

He believes that it is a strong possibility that the treatment caused intracranial pressure and was just too much for me at the time.

We are continuing the debate on autoimmune vs. active infection. The problem is, if you give someone with an infection steroids, it might help with the swelling issues, but it will make the infection much worse.

You could do antibiotics while being on steroids, but, you aren’t going to know if it was the steroids are what is helping, or the antibiotics, and you really don’t have any real answers.

Yes, I am aware I am probably receiving some gasps while reading this. I know I know, steroids are bad if you have Lyme. BUT, sometimes they are absolutely needed. Think of those with Addison’s disease, or anything else that someone may need them. Last year I did a week of steroids, because I like my airway open and breathing is always nice.

There is a time and place. Right now though, we are not sure if this is the right time and place and it really isn’t something that we want to just take a complete shot in the dark about.

So, I am trying to balance out, and am now religiously taking supplements, some old and some new ones, to try to get in better shape. I feel like I am getting a little better from my crash, but I do agree with what Dr S was saying.

He really doesn’t want to completely mess me up again. And I am totally okay with that. I am sure when I go back soon I will have an array of new blood work to get done and go from there.

I also had a follow up appointment with my sleep neurologist. I was on a roll on the way to my appointment, rocking away, and started with my tics and stuttering. Ugh! Just stop already!!! My body did calm down quite a bit once I got there (Hooray!), I think my nerves just made everything go haywire as I hadn’t seen her in awhile.

I had the dreaded conversation about possibly losing my license. The worry is having cataplexy while driving. Honestly though, I am very surprised throughout these several years it has never been discussed being diagnosed with a seizure disorder, and at one point knowing it wasn’t controlled.

I think most likely it was just assumed that I wasn’t driving at all. I still don’t drive very far and I know my limits, and know there are days or times I just plain shouldn’t get behind the wheel. And I don’t. But, it hasn’t been a hot topic and I think I just stayed under the radar. Now, I am on the radar, and I will just have to see what happens my next appointment.

It sucks immensely, but I do understand where she is coming from. In good conscience knowing I could possibly be a danger I don’t know if she would be legally responsible? Maybe? I am not sure how that works. She would sure feel morally responsible though and I respect that.

The thing that stinks, like Lyme, there really isn’t a ton of research being done, and there is no cure. And with Narcolepsy you don’t even get the possibility of reaching remission. It isn’t something that comes and goes, it is there, always, it is just trying to figure out what is best for you to give you some quality of life and the ability to function.

The known medications for cataplexy are antidepressants. I reallllllyyyyy don’t want to go down that road. I know it is a much smaller dose than normal, but I still don’t know how comfortable I feel with taking one.

She did agree however, that I need to get back on Lyme treatment and get back on track and discussing how I have been doing she didn’t want to throw a new medication in the mix as it would be hard to differentiate what is what, if there was an issue with the antidepressant.

I don’t think she was overwhelmingly concerned in this very moment as A) She could have yanked my license on the spot and B) I don’t have to see her for several months. As for now, we are going to continue to play around with the timing of my Narcolepsy medication to see if there is a better time frame for me to make it most effective and she hopes next time I see her I am doing better.

Lastly, I had a visit with my Ortho doctor again and unfortunately there was no luck with getting the aspiration done that day. Damn. My knee was clearly swollen, yet I just didn’t have enough fluid for all the tests.

He told me to do the exact opposite of what he tells his other patients to do. “Please go for a jog (obviously that won’t be happening), a brisk walk, use an elliptical, do as much kneeling as possible, maybe some jumping jacks. The goal is to do as much high impact things to piss it off and make it swell even more”.

Who wishes something is worse? Haha. We do apparently. He regretted not doing the aspiration the first time I came in. It just stinks because I need to get this done off of antibiotics but time is ticking away.

I know I will need to soon be back on a treatment plan, as I feel and know I am slowly regressing again. But here I also am, stuck at the moment trying to become more stable to decide the next step. And so I wait.

I promise to give another update as soon as possible, I have much more to share! I try to keep it short and sweet, and unfortunately if I slack my blog turns into a novel, for that I apologize!

Another LLND appointment, more blood work (I am still impatiently waiting for my results), and a new focus in the meantime of trying to figure out the crazy puzzle that is me.

Happy Wednesday!

Of course I couldn’t forget to share a photo of Miss Olivia! Our Princess Puppyfarts, proudly wearing her princess tiara!

May 2018 – Happy Awareness Month!

Happy Lyme Disease Awareness Month!  May is the month we share information about our health, our story, facts, prevention, anything to bring awareness to our illness.

 

We ask to wear green in our support. We ask others to post a fact, sit and watch a darn movie when they’re bored to learn about our disease (Under Our Skin). We ask others to bite a 50 cent lime for our cause (Dude, you could have done this while pounding back your Cinco de Mayo margaritas y’all were posting..) with little to no response unless you are involved in the Lyme community.

 

This is the month we look at our profiles and realize more people are more interested in our random memes or quotes, picture of our dogs, or even better, that picture you felt the need to share of what you had for dinner. It is the month we find out who has clearly “unfollowed” or deleted us entirely as they find our awareness posts completely annoying. Hahaha.

 

Been there. Whatever. Maybe SOMEONE will listen and learn. Knowledge is power! I’ll keep flapping my gums on my page. There are those who are genuinely interested I will admit to be fair, but this has just been an observation of mine over the years.

 

We have to keep at it though, and maybe someday more and more people will listen and realize this disease is a serious problem on so many levels. The inaccurate testing and doctors not knowing the importance of what to do at the initial time of a bite.

 

It is hard pressed to find anyone to diagnose or treat Lyme and other tick borne illnesses, and there is no “one size fits all” treatment. Lyme is not covered by insurance for the majority of our costs and it eventually adds up to a fortune. I could go on and on. You know this already though I am sure, if you are living with this disease as well.

 

It has been another busy month. I am disappointed to say that I have had a bit of a screeching halt in my treatment plan.

 

I have been doing aggressive protocols for the past several months, and they really seem to be helping. I have my ups and downs, which is normal for treatment but I truly feel like I have been making REAL progress.

 

Then one day, I woke up and my right arm was completely messed up. It was swollen and I was in an excruciating amount of pain. About 15 years ago, I was in a very bad car accident and required surgery. I broke my arm in two places, and metal plates and screws were put in for the breaks.

I didn’t know what was going on. It wasn’t like I was doing something and had an injury. I just went to bed and woke up that way. It was warm to the touch, and I could see the plates were really pissed off. It almost felt like the day I broke it. It was beyond unpleasant.

 

I waited it out for over a week. I babied it, iced it, and used a brace doing things like typing or anything that could possibly aggravate it further without any improvements. With the advice of my massage therapist, I decided to pay a visit to my PCP to get his opinion.

 

Since his office is on my way home, I decided to just swing in to schedule my appointment. I held out my arm to the front desk girl and said, “I think I need an appointment to get this looked at”.

 

She told me to wait just a moment, and a nurse came right out to me and said I definitely needed it to get looked at and he would be available in a few minutes.

 

Unfortunately, my PCP is not a fan of me. I think a big part of it is that I am completely out of his realm of basic check ups and dealing with flu season. He is a doctor that you can just tell has an ego, and takes it out on me that he doesn’t know the answers. In turn, he treats me like I am doing something wrong and tends to be a grumpy prick.

 

He is flat out rude to me, and when I dealt with my whole tonsil ordeal, he did even say he didn’t want to be responsible for my care. Yeah.. I know. It is time to find a new primary care doctor, but the majority of the time it is just an insurance thing, I need a place for papers to get sent to since Dr. S can’t be my primary because he is an ND vs an MD. I never had to see my PCP other than an initial appointment for years but I keep having crisis after crisis it seems.

 

I figured I would bring up everything I could think of. First off, he is not Lyme literate whatsoever. I really had to bring up all the facts though, and one of them… I had just finished my last day of Levaquin. I know, I don’t need the spiel. We can agree to disagree all you want about these floxy drugs.

 

To me, they have had a tremendous benefit, so the risk was entirely worth the reward. When you are very sick, you really will do or try anything to get better and not question it twice in desperation.

This topic is a sore and opinionated subject to many, people tend to get argumentative as to why they are right, but that is just my opinion, as unpopular as it may be to some. I seem to get in a pissing match a few times a year, that I am trying kill people with my positive experiences and basically being a “drug pusher”. Trust me, I’m not.

Are there alternatives? Absolutely! Can you get better without them? Sure can! If you don’t feel comfortable, that is okay too. To each their own.

I have heard of LLMD’s somewhat forcing these drugs upon patients as if it is their only choice. It’s your body you have the right to request a different treatment, and everyone should respect that, just as you should respect those who chose differently.

Be informed on potential risks, but you really should be researching EVERYTHING you are taking. Why you are taking the drug, as I even see over and over again, “What is such and such antibiotic for?” What are those risks? Every single drug you put into your body has risks, some might come at a heftier cost, but it is important to do your own research. I honestly won’t even put a pill in my mouth unless I learn more about it. I don’t get it personally.

The “big guns” and most effective treatment was the right path for me, I got a lot of quality of life back. That is my two cents, my truth.

I had the argument of why I am taking antibiotics, and I eventually just said to him, “We are never going to agree on this whole Lyme thing. I was prescribed my medications by a doctor that is familiar with my situation, and your beliefs on Lyme disease really isn’t relevant here. What is relevant is the fact that I took Levaquin. I am telling you everything I know that might give us answers.”

 

The next fact I brought up, I was NOT given an antibiotic prior to my tonsil surgery. That is common practice having any oral surgery and having any sort of metal in your body. Your mouth is full of bacteria, and for some reason they can travel to your metal plates, screws, knee replacements, whatever you may have and can cause an infection. I got a “Yes, that is common practice to have this done, I am not sure why it wasn’t done”. Greattttt.

 

He measured my arm circumference and it was two cm larger than my other arm. I guess that isn’t huge? But certainly is a difference. It was warm still. He said there was deep tissue inflammation, and decided to order an x ray of my arm.

 

I went in the next day to have my x ray done. Want to know how much this doctor likes me? I had called exactly a week later and the nurse I hadn’t heard anything and it’s been a week. She told me she would look it up, and she couldn’t even open it on the computer to talk to me about it because he hadn’t even looked at it.

 

AFTER A FRIGGIN WEEK??!!! I could have had a broken bone, infection, a screw loose floating around in my arm.. who knows? What was the point of giving me the damn x ray?

 

So annoying. She told me that she would talk to him and give me a call back. Two days later, I had heard absolutely nothing. I called again. He opened it finally. At that point, I had gone to medical records to get my hands on a copy of the radiologist’s findings and a cd of the images.

 

Damnit. It was the ONE radiologist who is an absolute moron at the hospital.

 

My report had two sentences. I have plates in my arm and my arthritis isn’t significant. Wow. Thank you for that valiant effort.

 

Two years ago, this particular radiologist missed a lump in my left breast slightly larger than a pea. It was concerning enough while getting my mammogram that the woman left the room, showed the radiologist on staff, and they sent me to get an ultrasound the following morning.

 

She brought me over to the computer and showed me the lump that she was worried about and wanted to investigate it further. The radiologist that said I needed to get the ultrasound did not complete my report, yet this dipshit reviewed and finalized it. According to his findings, it was completely normal! No lump!

 

I had my ultrasound, and fortunately, the lump was fibrous tissue. I asked why there was a completely different report from what was explained to me, and the dipshit came out to the ultrasound room and was kind of  shrugging it off like, “Oh yeah, I guess there was a lump”.

 

I just wonder how many issues are missed by this radiologist. Maybe he goes by age and likeliness of having an issue or has an everyday case of the Mondays. Who knows.

 

Anyyywayyyyssss. The nurse called me back, she told me that my PCP put zero notes on it, he simply just opened it. She told me it looked like I possibly have arthritis, which would not account for my arm. So do I have arthritis now too?!

 

She was really nice, and we chatted for awhile. She told me an x ray wouldn’t show a lot of the things that would be helpful to me and that an MRI isn’t really possible for those who need one in the area they have metal in their body. She said the x ray wouldn’t show the tendons or the screws.

 

Kind of in a nice way, as she obviously works for this man, gave a big “WTF” that he hadn’t even reviewed it for over a week and that is pretty inexcusable. Yup. I would have to agree. She told me she could have him call and discuss this with me, but said I really should just skip it and get a referral to Ortho.

 

I got a call the next day to set up an appointment and actually got in relatively quick. A one week wait.

 

Of course, my arm was improving, that is just the way things work out. It was still swollen and my plates looked very off, but I at least had a visible wrist again. LOL

 

I was having an off day when I went, and the florescent lights were really bothering me. I was in a fog, was having a few small Tourette’s bursts and was a sweaty mess. I gave him fair warning and he was fine and kind of acted like I wasn’t a hot mess. Cool. Down to business.

 

He was really nice, and took a good look at my arm. I kind of felt like an idiot because I had to ask him to repeat things several times, just to make sure I was understanding what he was saying, but I didn’t want to leave there all confused and not know what my issues were.

 

*Insert ominous music *  Tendonitis. Blah. I told him I just woke up like that, and it wasn’t like I was doing anything. I always baby my feet when I am on my floxy drugs, but I guess Levaquin is much stronger than Cipro and issues really can just pop up out of nowhere.

I will still say, call me nuts, I don’t regret taking it. Not one little tiny bit. Regardless, it is a huge reason I have been making great strides in my treatment. But I guess that one will no longer be a part of my treatment. Flipping sucks.

 

It then got more complicated. I do have nerve damage, which I did know as some spots are numb or tingly to the touch and have been forever. The real issue here is that I guess I have an abundance of scar tissue around my plates, and the tendonitis was aggravating the tissue more.

 

I wasn’t even really aware of this being an issue. The surgery was so long ago, and after awhile you kind of learn to deal with issues you may have, or not even really notice them anymore.

The only time I really noticed anything was weather changes it will get sore, but that is basically anyone with any sort of medical implant. A lot of us basically are walking weather forecasters. Haha. Arm hurts. Yup! It’s gonna snow!

 

He said there wasn’t any signs of tendon rupture, just plain ol’ tendonitis and it would continue to improve and keep doing what I have been and remember to ice it especially after doing anything like typing.

 

Since I was already there, I told him about my bum knee, that has been an issue for over a year. I heard a weird noise and fell. It still hasn’t been right, even after all this time. I can almost feel the inside moving and grinding, and it gets swollen.

I have noticed the movement of standing up is the worst. It gets very stiff in the morning and while that improves, it gets more painful as the day goes on.

 

I explained this situation to him, and he did a brief exam. He noticed immediately that it was swollen and full of fluid that he could even just freely move around, and did an x ray right on the spot, and reviewed it.

 

The results showed the beginnings of Degenerative Joint Disease., also known as Osteoarthritis. Then… he said to me, “You have a Lyme knee”.

Whaaaaaaaatttttttt???!!!!!!!!

He explained further that he has seen many knees effected by Lyme, and the problem was that people are not treated nearly long enough and run into long term issues.

*Jaw drops*  Is this real life???!!!!!

I lit all up in excitement and said, “YES!!! THANK YOU”!!!! I wanted to tell him I loved him but I think that is a bit too far especially just meeting the guy.  LOL

He gave me the option to work on the knee and the arm at the same time, or to do the arm first then revisit the knee issue.

The reason that I have waited to get it looked at is that I was dealing with my tonsils and that took way longer than it should have to be addressed, and I would like to deal with one crisis at a time. He completely understood.

Next time I see him, I will likely get the fluid aspirated from my knee and have an MRI ordered. He did say that it is a possibility from the fall that I tore my meniscus, and that could be why there hasn’t been huge improvements.

In the meantime with all of this going on, I haven’t been on the Lyme treatments and ended up working on parasites instead. My first task was to take the Albendazole along with Alinia. Well, it is $400 a day… and I needed 14 days. Yeah. That wasn’t happening.

I guess I will be a storyteller and tell you about a girl I know. Well, this girl decided to look into ordering this dewormer out of the country. In other countries, this is not a prescription, you can get it right over the counter. In the US, it is required to have a prescription.

This girl gave it a go, and ordered it online.

 

A) The second she ordered it, her credit card was flagged and frozen for the out of country purchase, the transaction was denied, and between emails and phone calls it was finally approved.

B) The package did not come from the country it was ordered from, and was shipped from India. The thing is, some meds from India are perfectly fine, but they do not have the same standards as the US for manufacturing. It isn’t really a worry the pills will be poisoned or anything, yet the matter of it being as effective.

C) The package sat at customs for over a week. This girl whom I speak of, was waiting for a knock on the door, busted for ordering medications out of the country, and taken to jail. Can you imagine? It isn’t like opiates, it’s a fucking dewormer. This girl is too little and adorable for jail.

D) This girl was not home, and her husband had to sign for the package. Uh oh! Was there someone waiting for a mysterious van to appear and take him away?!

This poor girl had a bit of stress about this all. But, her prescription was 60$ including shipping for way more pills than she would ever need. Not thousands. That’s just what I heard about some girl.

So, back to my treatment. I did end up being able to get the Albendazole somehow. 😉 I did a lot of research, and it scared me. I am usually not one to care about potential side effects, as it is potential and they just have to list them, but there was seizures, hair loss, liver issues…  a lot. As I have mentioned earlier, risk vs reward. I gave it a try. I always have a general rule with anything new to take it with Dave home in case there is any sort of adverse reactions.

I started off my parasite cleansing with something gentler, Pyrantal Pamoate. It was pretty easy to handle. I would get a lot of rumbles in my tummy and some cramps, but it was no big deal.

As I always give the good, bad, and the ugly.. in this case just plain gross, here is my report.

Day one, nada. Day two, there was a few things that were questionable, but I wasn’t about to “pan for gold” with my poo. It just wasn’t happening. No fucking thanks.

Black things, a ropey thing, some corn like things and I haven’t had corn for months, so I know that’s not it.

I would have to confirm that I have pinworms. Yuck! Remember my little wormy friend? I would have to say it was a pinworm.

I never had any symptoms of pinworms, so I was kind of surprised. I know one of the most common symptoms is an itchy bum, and I really didn’t have that issue at all?

All I can envision is people dragging their butt across the carpet like a dog hahaha. Who knows, maybe I am totally wrong on that one. Like I said, I wasn’t going to sit there and sift around especially with my tendency of butterfingers.

I am pretty liable to drop the pan or whatever you are supposed to use, poo goes flying in my bathroom, slip on it, fall in it, just a disastrous mess.

It was also hard to look things up, a lot of things don’t gross me out but when you type anything into Google, you get the most disgusting pictures. No. Just show me what the worm looks like, not explosive diarrhea with spaghetti in the toilet.

I always get a lump in my throat and my mouth gets watery, probably trying to hold in barf. I can clean it all day long, let’s face it… working in the restaurant industry and cleaning bathrooms, I have learned people are just plain disgusting. That’s fine. Pictures no.

I actually got Dave to do it with me, as usually an entire household should. I was in heavy anticipation.. even shooting him a text.. “Ya poop yet? Find anything good?!” LOL He told me, “  I think you are the only gross one here, I got nothing”.

Then came the Albendazole. I also had that crampy feeling, but it wasn’t bad. I think it was pretty much a clean up of what the Pyrantal Pamoate did. There wasn’t anything overly frightening.

Actual treatment had its ups and downs. On one hand, there was days that I was foggy, depersonalized, stuttering with practically every sentence, and pouring buckets of sweat. There were days I literally couldn’t move from the couch for hours, just spacing it and staring at the TV.

My POTS was back in full force. I had a few times that I had to completely stop what I was doing, even something as simple as gathering my clothes to wear for the day and lay on the floor.

I began to experience air hunger yet again. One night, I went to bed, and Dave said to me, “I can hear you breathing”. It is like a weight is on your chest, and no matter how hard you try you cannot get that breath of air in.

Bartonella tends to me anxious, now I honestly just try to sleep it off. Sometimes, I will admit, I will not take my Narcolepsy medication, or at least my second dose on a bad day. You can’t feel all of this while you are asleep, right?

On some days, I feel like Narcolepsy is a total blessing in disguise….I can just sleep everything away. I mean, I have a lot of responsibilities but I can cut it short and just not spend the day feeling all the nausea 24/7, the herxing. Out like a light. Letting my body heal I guess? Silver linings?! I have to look at it in some positive light, better than being miserable about it all.

I have made a lot of big accomplishments since I have last wrote. I have been running around doing multiple things a day; errands, cleaning, cooking dinner and not completely crashing. My biggest accomplishment of all, I drove myself to the DMV to renew my license!

This is about a 35 minute drive from where I live. I am pretty secluded to my less than 15 minute radius. My Dad had offered to take me, or Dave said he could possibly drop me off on his driving route and pick me back up.

I love that I can get that help if needed but I REALLLLYYY wanted to do something big on my own. There was a lot of days that I had good intentions of going but I knew it just wasn’t happening. Not only is it putting myself in danger, I wouldn’t want to ever put anyone in danger. I am a big advocate for pushing yourself hard, but when it comes to driving, know your limits. Don’t be an asshole.

I had a day that I had very little to do at work, so I was only there for a short time, and it was rainy and dark out. Perfect!  I have a really hard time especially if it is very bright out, even with sunglasses. In the rain I even wear my sunglasses.

I made a game plan in my head before I left my house. There is a Tractor supply about 20 minutes away, and if I needed to go home I could just camp out there and turn around. I didn’t really know how I was going to do..

I made it to Tractor Supply and sat in the parking lot for awhile. My anxiety was getting to me, which anyone would be anxious if they haven’t driven that far in years. I needed a break. I also notice neurologically I begin to have a harder time with controlling my speed, my foot just doesn’t like to cooperate and has a hard time keeping the same speed and I end up going much slower, or faster than I should.

I also get tired, which is a bad thing is you are a Narcoleptic… you can’t really push through especially with cataplexy… and have a tendency to forget where I am… even if I am just going 5 minutes down the road.

After my rest, I felt better and decided to continue on. I probably went another 10 minutes and made another pit stop. I have a harder time with highway-ish roads since it is maintaining a speed and going straight for the most part unlike back roads.

That was a short stop. I was very close to the DMV at that point and I made it!!! I stayed in the car for a little bit, which I am glad as there was a massive line, as there pretty much always is at the DMV it seems.

Done! My picture is disappointing I must say, I liked my much younger version, and between my swollen lymph nodes and being beat, I looked like a poster picture of a “This is why you don’t do drugs”. With the swollen Lymph I have been dealing with lately, my new picture is like a hologram. Hold my license downward, normal, hold it straight or up, massive turkey neck.

I didn’t even have to make a pit stop on my way home… I think it helps I wasn’t as nervous. I did stop however stop to pick up a celebratory pizza. I deserved it!

Dave was so surprised and proud of my accomplishment. “Really??!!!” He really isn’t one to say much like that but you could tell he was really happy for me. My family was also happy I made the trip. It is nice when people realize things are a struggle and give you some positive response to things that seem simple to everyone else.

I seem to be recovering (thankfully) from a phase this past month or so, the times I try to sleep off, where I worry about anything and everything and put scenarios in my head like how awful something would be.

Like what if one of my dogs got ran over. What is something happened to my parents? My brother? Who wants to think about that?! Ugh.

Bartonella keeps me up at night thinking about these things, and I have just plain been having insomnia as well. Believe it or not, you can have Narcolepsy AND insomnia.

I also get really bummed out on my birthday month. The month I see the age number get bigger and then realize I have jumped from 25, to now 31 and have a sense of feeling like I have been completely robbed of a chunk of my life. Can you hear my violins?

I started physical therapy, and it is going pretty well. I really like the therapists, they are easy to talk to, which is good as I am sitting at a table facing them when they work on my arm. It would suck if it was awkward silence or nothing fun to talk about. I knew I would like it there, as I had gone there for a very long time about 4 years ago to work on my core and legs after I wasn’t using a wheelchair and was starting to make improvements on my IVs with Dr J.

During my first appointment, we started off with some exercises to see where my baseline is. I was pretty surprised, even being right handed, my left is so much stronger, and looking at and comparing movement to my other arm I really didn’t realize it was so bad.

For the most part, a metal smooth tool is used, and a cream/gel is put on my arm and the tool is used to rub along my arm and scar tissue. I didn’t even know that some of the scar tissue could even be broken down. I thought it is there and that’s about it.

Today we did a lot more exercises, squeezing a ball with a massage like technique, and also to try to work on lymph to help heal the area. I was kind of bummed out, I was told it was even more swollen today and that it was recommended I use a brace again. Wahh.

I don’t really know what I want to do now when it comes to treatment. My body hurts. Symptoms are slowly beginning to creep back. I haven’t completely fallen apart or anything and I am doing really well for such a long break, but I just know when it is time. Annndddd it’s time.

I saw Dr S a few days ago, not for an actual appointment but for an adjustment. Every time I see him, even for an adjustment, we have a brief chat about what has been going on.

I was waiting for the big fat,  “I told you so!!!’, as he didn’t even want to give me Levaquin in the first place. He was fine with Cipro but he had issues personally with Levaquin, but I pushed him into letting me try it. That really isn’t on him that this happened though. Fortunately, he didn’t give me the “I told you so” I was expecting, and I told him how bummed I was as I have seen the incredible benefits, and I also don’t even get nausea with this drug.

My left hip was pretty unhappy, since I am using that to compensate for my bum right knee. We of course chatted a bit about what has been going on, and I booked an appointment for next week. Together, we will come up with a good new treatment plan, and I will be back on track again.

I had a little Lyme photo op with a good friend of mine, who has been going through a lot of what I have over the years. I am incredibly lucky to have someone that can relate and I can vent to, any weird symptoms she will know exactly what I am talking about, while healthy people will look at you like you have two heads. LOL Even better, she is only a hop, skip and a jump away from me! Love her lots, she helps keep me sane through all of this.

 

Happy Lyme disease Awareness Month! Keep on fighting, keep on sharing, keep on educating. Maybe not all will listen, but if it educates a few, it is worth it.

Of course I can’t forget about Princess Puppyfarts and the gang! Someone apparently had a case of the zoomies when I was gone. Judging my their looks, I think Cooper might be the guiltiest of them all!

 

 

 

March Part One – Seeing Blue Skies

Oh gosh, where do I even begin?! This past month has been crazy, a bit stressful, and I’m trying to remember it all!

First of all, I had my surgery! I am now tonsil and adenoid free. I am pleased to announce that it was NOT hell on Earth, as my ENT had warned me that it is a much more difficult surgery for adults, and everyone that I had spoken to seemed to have a ton of horror stories about it.

I learned a few things having my surgery. One – I fucking hate Powerade and Gatorade. The only one that is somewhat tolerable in my books is the purple Powerade, maybe because it tastes like children’s Tylenol. I’m just plain weird and have always loved the taste of it.

Two – You get sick of jello and Italian ice very fast. I developed a love for egg drop soup from the Chinese food place in town.

Three – Halo ice cream is like heroin. I am now an addict, especially the oatmeal cookie kind, and even now being all healed up, it takes a shit ton of willpower to walk past them at the store. They are just sitting there, waiting for me. Even worse is when I notice that there is a sale on those little pints of heaven.

I was pretty anxious before the surgery, between knowing I have a history of having nothing but problems with the actual surgeries and the healing process afterwards.

To make matters worse, a few days prior to my surgery, the hospital was getting all of my medical information together and wanted me to go see my cardiologist again to get another EKG done.

I fortunately had the hospital get in contact with my cardiologist, and they had me go in earlier to get an EKG done before my surgery, instead of having my surgery postponed.

Dave said I was in and out of surgery, it only took about 45 minutes. Quick and easy! I refused the fentanyl offered, and stuck with the hydrocodone that was given after the procedure. The less drugs the better.

I remember waking up and I was so thirsty! They gave me a lactated ringer, which I was very excited about, as it is very helpful to those with POTS, keeping up with the sodium and hydration.

I had to get up and pee a half a dozen times, which is good, at least I know I wasn’t dehydrated I had some ice chips and a smooshed up popsicle. As a higher risk patient, I had to stay an extra hour or so, but I was home by late afternoon.

I was told after surgery to take a week or even two weeks off of work which seemed a bit crazy to me. The ENT doctor gave me a week’s worth of hydrocodone… 8 pills a day. Well, I took 4 the first day and a half, couched it at my parent’s, watched some Netflix, took a few naps, and was back at work within 2 days and completely stopped taking the pain pills. Although they work great they make me wonky, and there is no way I would even be able to drive taking them.

I think the worst part of healing was my tongue being incredibly swollen. My tongue was definitely man handled with the forceps during surgery, and my neck was pretty swollen too.

I know, awkward pic, not my finest modeling pose, and pretty dark, but my tongue even got shiny being so enlarged.

Dave woke me up a lot the first few days to have me take a few sips of water. He said I was snoring like a freight train when I slept. I think the key was making sure my throat didn’t get dry.
It was actually pretty beneficial to have Narcolepsy, I just didn’t take my medication and slept it off the first few days.

I think by the second week I was eating soft foods, and although I had a few scabs fall off early, giving me a raw feeling, it wasn’t that bad.

I think for me, the healing I didn’t think was as awful as I thought it was going to be, my throat and lymph nodes hurt so bad before, so this wasn’t really all that much different. I also knew it was temporary, and that this problem that has been plaguing me for months and months was finally going to go away for good.

I got the results back from the cultures within a few days of my surgery. The office called my house and instructed me to stay on the amoxicillin they had me take.

The cultures did show that there was a ton of white blood cells, which means infection. Haemophilus parainfluenzae was the main culprit of my tonsil issues.

Veillonella was another bacteria that was found in my tonsils. From what I understand, this species is somewhat normal in your mouth flora, but it becomes a problem when there is too much and causes infection and a bunch of other problems.

I was super pissed the doctor did not do any of the tests Dr S requested, and I had asked him about doing a EBV PCR. Nope. Just bacterial.But, they found something, so I was actually pretty relieved.

I felt a little more justification, and knew that there was an actual cause to my throat issues, I felt a lot less crazy and now know it wasn’t an elective surgery, just taking body parts out for fun. Well, I obviously had some major throat issues going on for a long time, but I think I would have been pretty devastated if they found absolutely nothing wrong and they were just inflamed for an unknown cause.

My follow up with the ENT doctor was short and sweet. He said to me, what he has probably said 800,000 times in his career, “Well, there’s no tonsils in there!” Haha.

Everything looked great, and he was almost in shock that I told him it really wasn’t major, and I was right back at work, no pain pills, it was really unpleasant for a few days but tolerable.

No, it wasn’t hell on Earth. He was curious to see how my neurological symptoms were after the surgery, but my neurologist had told me I won’t necessarily know for a few months, as even if I feel like everything is healed up they might not be completely.

I was warned my ears might feel pain for awhile, especially opening and closing my mouth and opening my mouth wide, which has happened, but it really is pretty minor.

He then said to me, “I don’t think I’ll ever have to see you again, have a good day!” He gave Dave and I a handshake, and off he went. Alrighty then.

So, as I just mentioned, I saw my neurologist. It is always the same, a random chat completely not medically related, followed by a “Yup, you’re still a mess, see you in 6 months, here are your refills”. It was precisely that.

I had mentioned PANDAS during the appointment and he had told me it certainly could be and left it at that… which I found to be annoying, why didn’t he bring this up in the last 5 years?!

And that concluded my appointment. I guess bottom line he is just my drug dealer, whatever. Haha. A super nice guy, I know he cares but I think he just isn’t quite sure what to do with me.

I then had my yearly follow up with my cardiologist. Super easy. Test blood pressure laying down, sitting up, standing. “Yup, you still have POTS!” He said there wasn’t really any need for further testing but was open to if I wanted any. “I’m good if you are Doc!”, “I am, see you in a year!”

I’m not sure if I should be happy or sad about this, the nurse at the cardiologist’s office immediately knew who I was, even though I hadn’t been to this smaller office, only the bigger hospital in about 3 years. She exclaimed, “You’re the girl with Lyme! You look a lot better, you’re not moving all around like before or yelling!”

I guess it was a compliment? I’m glad that she thought I looked better, but I mean, she remembered who I was the second she saw me, so I guess I left some long lasting impact hahaha. Well, Dr J once told me I was probably his most “unique” patient, so I guess that follows me pretty much wherever I go.

Next, I saw my sleep neurologist. See? This past month has been crazy! Surgery, doctors, doctors, doctors.

Well, I told her that although my medication has helped tremendously, I am still crashing, falling asleep very easily, and then told her about my arms and head feeling heavy, especially with laughing, or being out in a busy place, and a few episodes I have had with “limp noodle seizures”, but I wasn’t sure if they were seizures.

Usually if I have a seizure, I feel an aura beforehand, I get incredibly sleepy after, I often piss my pants (lovely I know, but hey, I share the good, bad and the ugly), and none of these things happened. There has been a few episodes that I just go down like a sack of potatoes, lose a few seconds in time, then I am back up again.

She spoke with my neurologist, debating if I was having seizures or if the falling was something more, and kind of asked why I hadn’t mentioned some of these things before.

I am pretty sure I did, but I guess maybe it slipped my mind, I doubt it, but sometimes explaining and rattling off 100 things to your doctor things are missed. Well, it’s all out in the open now.

Diagnosis change: Narcolepsy WITH cataplexy. My medication dose has been upped, and she told me to play around with the timing, to take in two doses instead of one, to see if I can avoid the early evening crash.

She told me the treatment for cataplexy is generally antidepressants, but I really don’t want to go on them. I know it might help, but I am already on so many medications, and even though Abilify, which I tried in the past is a different class of drugs than an antidepressant, I have this fear I will have a bad reaction. I was in a full blown rage with Abilify… so I am not sure if I want to take that risk. It is a shame there isn’t more research for Narcolepsy and more options available.

The higher dose of my medication seems to be helping. I haven’t tried the maximum dose yet as I kind of want to stay consistent to really know what schedule is doing well so I need to take time with playing around, but I have noticed a change, and partly a reason I have been really taking my sweet time with my dosing schedule.

Hmmmm… I’ll try to explain… It’s kind of hard to describe. It is like my body is still pretty blah, fatigued and uncooperative per usual, but my innards kind of get this jolt of excitement like a kid on Christmas morning. That excitement and joy when you go downstairs and Santa brought all the presents. LOL It’s like my insides are going “WEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!”

I mean my mind is completely normal, I don’t feel like I’m high, it doesn’t make me jittery, my body doesn’t change, I just get this bizarre sensation inside. It’s not like I am talking loud or super fast, it is completely on the inside?

It lasts for about an hour or two, then goes away. Yeah, that probably isn’t normal. My blood pressure cuff crapped out on me, so I should probably invest in another one just to see if there is anything actually alarming. Who knows. Rather safe than sorry though!

I didn’t technically have an appointment with Dr S, just a chiropractic adjustment but of course we chatted a little bit. He gave me some chewable probiotics to add to my routine, I still have my gross black tongue, so maybe it will help.

My neck was really off. Several weeks ago, before my surgery, I smashed my head.. HARD. I was being polite and holding the door open for the dogs, and the 3 decided to have a race to get to the door first. So in turn, a 60, 70 and 90 pound dog slammed into the door at once, and the door slammed right into my upper forehead. Instant blackness.

The rest of the evening  I could barely stand, I felt like I was going to throw up every time I stood, and I had a pretty big headache. I had a nice goose egg on my forehead. I did a mirror check to assess the damage and I really didn’t think it was that bad, but as soon as Dave got home from work he asked, “What did you go to your face?” Haha nice.

He kind of was trying to push me to maybe go get it checked out, but honestly, as you all know, even not having chronic illnesses, the ER sucks. I braved it, and took the “wake me up every few hours” route.

My massage therapist said my neck was pretty much the equivalent of having whiplash from a car accident, so she said I definitely got either a concussion or contusion. The next few days after this happened, I had a headache on and off, but other than my neck being out of whack this past month, I am pretty sure it was maybe a minor contusion. Either way, here I am, I lived to tell the tale.

Treatment has had it’s ups and downs. My protocol we kind of go with the term phases, I do a few weeks of my first phase, whatever I feel comfortable with, as much as I can tolerate, or as much as I think it is helping. Then, I switch it up a bit for a week, and I finished with a round of Coartem .

For those of you who are not familiar, Coartem is a treatment for Babesia. I knew prior to starting, it would either go okay, or very not okay. I can say officially, it actually went pretty well!

This is a 3 day course of treatment. A lot of symptoms did become worse during those days, and a few days after ( I am still dealing with some lingering symptoms nearly a week later), but it was completely tolerable.

Sweats, air hunger, hot flashes… I think the worst of it was at nighttime. My POTS did get a lot worse. I did have a “man down!”.. well woman down moment when I was getting ready for bed during this treatment. A little living room floor time.

I feel hot and cold at the same time, pour sweat and almost have this feeling that I had WAY to many margaritas. Kind of like the spins, but I kind of see black with little colored squigglies? I don’t know haha. Maybe you, my reader, has had a few too many margaritas at least once and know those tequila spins. Don’t judge me, in my younger years I’ll admit I had a little too much fun! 😉

With the lingering symptoms, I have been pretty sweaty, and have cranked my windows down driving with the hot flashes. A few day ago I passed out twice in one day. That was rather annoying.

I even figured I would cook corned beef because it is loaded with salt, which is needed for people with POTS and it didn’t help whatsoever. At least my dinner was yummy. Silver linings.

I was a little extra snoozy, my narcolepsy medication doesn’t work as well with the Coartem, so I only took a small dose, basically to make sure I made it home safe from work.

When I first started treatment back up after my ENT appointment, I really struggled for a few days. The nighttime nausea was really bad and I was completely depersonalized. Day two had to have been the worst for me.

I could feel my arms starting to tighten up and my hands, I couldn’t even really move. This really scared the crap out of me. I used to have what I like to call “mummy seizures” a few years ago, and it almost felt like this is what was about to happen. I was getting that aura. I immediately popped an Ativan, and took a nap. I was almost at the point of calling Dave, which is completely rare for me.

Flagyl days I tolerated better than in my past. I would get the heaves, and it would make everything worse.. I herx hard on it. It’s my excuse to eat an abundance of food though, it is my Chinese food days, Chinese is my savior when it comes to my bomb days.

At least compared my last round of Flagyl before my surgery, I didn’t have that complete state of depression and have any mental breakdowns. I am actually really surprised, as last month was quite the stressful. There was no tears. Who knows, maybe I just pushed all “the feels” in deep or the depersonalization took over.

My Grandmother passed away last month. I won’t get into too many details, it’s not my place, nor my story to tell, but there has been years of conflict, and that really made the stress a lot worse.

I am really fortunate that some of my relatives had reached out and included me several days prior and let me know what was going on, and I had a chance to say goodbye. I am so grateful for that.

On my way to see my Grandma before her passing, I had a realllyyy hard time. Even though it isn’t that far of a drive, maybe 15 minutes as a guess, I not only lost concept of time, I forgot where I was even though I have lived here my entire life and been on that road a zillion times.

I ended up having to pull over at a store as I had passed by the intersection to turn, and had to use Mapquest to remember where the nursing home was. I was having a total brain fart. I’m glad I pushed through and forced myself to go. Even though she was sleeping peacefully, I would like to believe she knew I was there. She passed away the following day.

I was on these treatments, including Flagyl on the day of the service. It was one of my “bad” days”.  I was so completely out of it, Dave even said you could tell right away that I was not right at all. I saw some familiar faces that I haven’t seen in a long time that I was so happy to see, and let’s put it this way, a few I could have went without seeing.. LOL

When I was hitting Bartonella extremely hard a few years ago, I would lay in bed, and every single little thing in my life, all the decisions I have made, regrets, and memories would come flooding back to me.

Some of these things were pretty horrifying… and with my state of mind, being anxious, paranoid, and having hallucinations, I didn’t even know what was real.. if I was creating false memories that never really happened. Bartonella really screws with your mind.

Well, I had asked family about some of the things that came flooding back to me, if they were actually flooding back to me or if they were a figment of my imagination and unfortunately they weren’t.

They were very real, and it was to the point of finishing sentences for one another, everything was confirmed. I don’t know how my mind blocked out so many things throughout the years, but all at once everything came back to me. Ugh.

This is a weird thing, but so many events throughout the years, it is almost like just watching a home movie, I now know, but I don’t feel anything. It isn’t like I am reliving anything, it is like watching someone else, but I really could have done without knowing and kept those memories crammed deep inside my noggin.

The last part I will say, I am so brave to have put on a happy face, to pretend that everything was alright. To side aside the inexcusable things that happened to me when I was a child.

Dave said to me after this whole ordeal that he was so proud of me that I stayed so strong. I definitely had a huge sigh of relief when I woke up the following day, knowing that I could close that chapter in my life.

While continuing on with my treatment phases, I have found my first to be the worst of the 3. Aside from taking Flagyl which you all know I don’t enjoy, Clinda gives me a lot of stomach pain and queasiness. I seem to be able to push through the day, but I eventually hit a wall pretty instantaneously. Everything seems to kind of glaze over with fog and my vision, I get shaky and sweaty.

I did have an episode of body rocking while going to a friend’s kiddos first birthday party. I seemed to physically feel not that bad at least, the rocking was still there though. I was kind of thinking my body just felt like it was and I wasn’t actually doing it, but a friend questioned if I was alright, as she hadn’t seen me do that in a long time. There was a lot of people talking around me, and with any lights I’m not really used to, even though these weren’t particularly bright, I get effected.

I still do all these things, but you also have to remember sometimes with chronic illness, people generally see you when you are doing okay, they don’t get to see a lot of the hot mess because we stay at home when we feel really bad.

We go and do things on better days, or we have time frames of the day that might be better for us. For people that really know me, although I am a good actress and can push myself to the limits, they can tell by my eyes. My eyes are not good liars by any means.

Levaquin and Mino seem to be the best of what I can tolerate, and I am sooo much more active on them. My pain in my knees goes away, I feel a lot more clarity. I all around just plain feel better. I’m not quite sure why, but I will take it!!

I have been doing a lot more now, everyday I try to tackle something. Whether it is errands, or I have taken on the project of starting to deep clean my house. I have even spent hours scrubbing my walls and trim. That’s a pain in the ass and hard work for a healthy person!

I just had an appointment with Dr S. To come up with a game plan. Basically, I blabbered about life, how treatment has been hard at some points, but I am completely optimistic that we are on the right track.

I also had my little show and tell with all my pictures and on me the weird things I have had happening.

A random role in my toe, I showed him my arm that also had a little open wound, my black tongue (I posted in my last blog if you want to take a looksie), anything I could remember that would be relevant.
Side note – always bring pictures to your follow up appointments! Trying to explain something that is no longer there is hard to do, you might not get the right input without them actually seeing it, and you don’t want to look like a big ol’ faker now do you? Seeing is believing.

He did say the toe and arm could possibly be MRSA. Super, right? It has just about healed up at least but it did happen in the timeline of pretty much directly after my surgery. But, this could have also been Bartonella as well.

The black tongue is gross, we have pinpointed it to the Minocycline. In other aspects I really think the Mino helps so I will suck it up, just not use it as long at a time. Which is fine, switching things up is a good thing, it helps avoid resistance.

We are switching it up a little bit, and I will be doing a parasite cleanse. A few weeks ago, a little wormie friend was alive and chillin’ in the toilet. Yikes!

When talking to Mr. Cat person and not a dog person about this, he kind of suggested/blamed my poor, innocent, precious doggies as possibly not helping the situation. Pshhh!

Just because we give each other smootchies and have our snugz together every night does not mean they would do such a thing, infect their Mommy! Okay. Yeah. I suppose PERHAPS that thought is valid.

I know there are some critters in there, obviously, I mean I saw one, and everyone on the planet has parasites anyway, (Yes you. EVERYONE!) so I am looking forward to examining my poo. I kind of forsee it being like waiting for an Amazon package to arrive every time I look in the toilet after I do my business… is it here yet??! Haha.

I have read up a bit on doing a little deworming and from what I understand if there is critters in there, I should have Dave do a cleanse as well. Some, such as pinworms, are highly contagious. He probably won’t be all that impressed and slightly annoyed with it, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

After I do my parasite cleansing, we have decided to just go with the flow with treatment. Similar things I have been on that seem to be helping, some trial and error, see what feels right. Kind of up in the air I know, but the path I am on seems to be helpful, so we will just roll with it.

I have a big blood work sheet to complete on Monday. We are going to check the basics, and do my six month thyroid checkup. It’s always been completely normal but it is always something that is a good idea to monitor once in awhile. We will recheck inflammation levels, EBV and a few other things to see if there is an improvement since the surgery.

So, that is about it for an update I think? That was a novel. I apologize. I’m feeling good about the direction I have been heading in and I hope that things will continue to look up for me.

Just yesterday, I worked, and had a bunch of errands to run in town. Normally, I have to drive around in circles looking for the closest possible parking space for places like the post office, and if I wasn’t lucky to find a spot, or if I felt questionable as to if I would be able to even stand in line or do what I had to do, I would go home without any success and feel bummed the rest of the day.

Without a second thought, I parked up the street and walked. Did I feel good? No, but I wasn’t driving around in circles nor did I have to give up. I just did it. I know that sounds small but that is a pretty big deal.

Although I know I have a lifelong struggle ahead of me with Narcolepsy, I really think things are beginning to turn around that I actually have a real shot at those blue skies that Dr J had wished for me so many years ago. I’m not there yet, but I have the feeling the most recent path I am on, I might have a true shot of getting there.

Lastly of course, you get a Miss Olive pic! Here she is, being a good girl patiently waiting on the okay to eat her dinner!

January 2018 – Onto Another Year of Lyme

This past month has been pretty hectic, so once again I have been slacking with an update. I have been so back and forth with my treatment and recently started a new protocol. I’ll get to that later. I’ll try my darnedest to not be scatterbrained and all over the place, no promises though.

Let’s start with my ENT appointment. As you may recall from my last entry (if you don’t, you need to follow me, I am quite awesome), Dr S, my Lyme literate naturopath, wrote a great letter to the ENT doctor advocating for me, pushing toward surgery.

In the letter, he mentions several different tests to do, and a big hunch that I have PANS/PANDAS. He also recommends IVIG treatments.

Well, Dr S is a naturopath, and as some of you may have experienced that has a team of doctors, you will find according to the ego of other specialists and MD’s, a naturopath is not a real doctor. Naturopathic doctors just give you berries and twigs and are a bunch of dirty hippies. Haha oy vey.

The ENT doctor focused on Lyme, and the unlikeliness it has anything to do with having chronic tonsillitis. Hmm.. I am nearly positive that was not mentioned in the letter at all. This was the immediate start to the appointment.

Swabs were taken of my blistery tongue and of my tonsils. Unfortunately, he did the bare minimum testing, which was pretty annoying. Himself and Dr S had mentioned other tests to do, such as a fungal smear, and that was never done. I would have loved to have a viral smear at least. But nooooopeeeee.

We discussed PANS/PANDAS and although the ENT doctor said it was a possibility, I was told he did not know me well enough to say for sure that this is the case. I suggested to him to speak with my neurologist, but he brushed it off. Also, there was no mention of IVIG treatment.

This appointment wasn’t seeming to go all that well as you can tell. He even got snippy and annoyed at Dave when he asked a question to clarify something. I can’t remember what it was for the life of me, but the doctor’s reply to Dave was, “We already talked about this last time”. Okay?!

This appointment looked like yet another, “I’ll see you in 6 weeks”, but I think a teeny tiny part of Dr S’s letter might have sunk in as after examination and what we could get for a real discussion, he said we could do the tonsil and adenoid removal surgery.

The ENT doctor said to me, “I have been doing this for over 30 years, and I have never had a patient with so many ongoing issues. I usually deal with one or two things. You have so many that overlap one another.”
Gee thanks?

When he examined me, he told me that my swollen lymph nodes that are continuously spreading wouldn’t be related to my tonsils because of the location.

My spleen is enlarged, and that also has no connection to the tonsils as well. I was kind of hoping it was all correlated. EBV or Babs I’m guessing is causing the spleen issues again. Boo.

I was then told that he cannot guarantee anything to me with all of the ongoing and overlapping problems. I was given a big MAYBE that it will help my throat issues, and some of my swollen lymph nodes. It MIGHT help with possible neurological issues, and it could POSSIBLY help with my now what seems to be a new normal, ear infections. I have never had ear infections until this past year, and I’ve had several including a perforated ear drum.

I had a pretty heavy discussion with Dave about having surgery. I know it seems like a simple procedure, but adult adenoid and tonsil surgery is a whole different ball game. It takes a lot longer to heal, it is a lot more painful, from what I hear it is just reallllyyyyy unpleasant.

He gave a big, “It’s up to you”, about it.. which isn’t overly helpful or insightful so I pushed him and told him that I needed real thoughts on having this procedure done. Dave brought up some pretty valid points to consider. One, I don’t heal well at all. One example is my gallbladder surgery. Post-op infection, almost needed a drainage tube.

The second point he made was that everything that should be simple procedures always seems to end up as projects. My heart monitor I should have been in and out of there within an hour or two, and it almost ended up being an overnight stay. My gallbladder I was in the hospital for two days. My leg procedure a few summers ago I ended up with a clot in my leg. Nothing ever goes smoothly as it should.

Dave’s last point was what had been discussed at the appointment. We don’t know for sure if this surgery will be extremely beneficial. It’s a crapshoot, really. Obviously, the biggest concerns I should worry about at the moment regarding my tonsils is the fact that they are swollen, have been for several months, and it does effect me on a day to day basis.

My throat is really uncomfortable. My lymph nodes that definitely coordinate with tonsillitis are painful. I’ve been having issues with breathing, gasping for air at night, and I occasionally have a sensation that I am choking trying to swallow.

Will it help with anything else? Not a clue. But Dave does know it has been one additional sucky thing on my laundry list of problems. It is all about the risk vs the reward in my case.

So, the decision is made. I am taking the big gamble. Let’s cut those fuckers out. Do it up. Why not. I am going to go with the butterfly, rainbow, and unicorn attitude that this surgery will make a huge difference between my ongoing throat issues, ear infections, and potentially help my neurological issues.

It HAS to at least help my throat. I mean after all, the ENT doctor has been dragging me along for a very long time, and I am sure after my previous appointment with him mentioning I might need surgery and then saying how terrible it is for adults… I believe his exact words were, “ It is the most painful thing you will experience having this surgery as an adult”.

I am really betting that won’t be the case but for him to say that, then suggest surgery during my next appointment he wouldn’t have even put that on the table if he didn’t think it would in some way, shape, or form be helpful. I’m kind of at my wits end with this so I think it just really needs to be done.

My next appointment on the list last month was my yearly eye exam. It was a big “aha!” moment. I figured I would bring up my head pressure issues since it does effect my vision, especially if I am completely losing it for several moments. He knew exactly what it was when I was explaining what has been going on with him. Ocular migraines.

Who woulda thought out of everyone that my eye doctor would know what this issue is. Of course almost all the medications that are used to treat them I am already on, but sometimes you just need a name to these things going on in your body to kind of keep you sane.

I mean, this is an actual diagnosis, but sometimes people need those “feel good” diagnosis, a title to all your symptoms that doctors throw out there when they really don’t have a friggin clue. I definitely needed a title for this issue after my neurologist said, “You got me!” telling him about my head feeling like it was going to explode and not being able to see.

At least I know now. And I also had the annual question if I have been tested for Myasthenia Gravis after about a minute or two of talking with me, staring at my droopy right eye. Haha. Always up there in the titer, still negative, not enough to get treated or diagnosed. We evaluate it every six months or so. Always the same, never technically a positive result.

On top of all of this, I have been doing pretty aggressive treatment protocols. I was doing Alinia, Augmentin, and Cipro for quite awhile. Eventually, my tummy said, “when”, and I took a short break.

We are always very cautious with my stomach as that has been an issue in the past, and I ended up having to take a much longer break than I would have liked to, with lots of supplements and a very strict diet to get it back to normal.

I fell apart during this protocol. My POTS was much worse and I ended up having several episodes of chilling on my bathroom or living room floor. I ended up getting this weird rash on my shoulder (Dr S immediately said Bartonella is flaring pretty badly), and I was having some major pain issues.

My knee almost feels like bones are rubbing, and there is pain on top of my kneecap right above the bones. Dr S told me that Bartonella really likes to get into tissues, bone, and cartilage, so maybe that is what is going on.

Other than my bum knee, my legs have had a mind of their own. They are either jello, I’d describe it as the feeling you get when you have the shit scared out of you, like when someone almost causes an accident driving or something.. you kind of know what I mean, right? Well, that is my jello legs. I get either that or no feeling at all below my calves. In turn my hips and lower back make up for walking, so they get pretty tight and uncomfortable.

I have been pretty brain fogged and getting confused easily. Bartonella I know is definitely back, as I started to have moments of feeling a little nuts.

I booked an appointment with Dr S and we discussed another game plan. With Lyme and co’s for so long, and having a lot of experience with treatment, I always kind of jot down different ideas with protocols. I find this funny somewhat, but appreciative that I have a doctor that listens, he even took my little notes with protocols and photocopied it at my appointment.

I had mentioned the rash and showed him a few pictures, and as I had said, Bartonella is back and in full force.

I told Dr S how my month had been going, and in addition to what I have mentioned, hot flashes, edema in my legs and ankles, and being even more tired than per usual.

I gave Dr S a little disclaimer on this symptom that seems to reoccur, that I’m not nuts, and told him he would find this a bit ridiculous…

Every single time I hit Bart, I have this sensation that my teeth are all loose and begin to think they are rotting out of my face. I am not really sure why, but I end up having Dave do a nightly check of my teeth to give me comfort that they are not all loose and rotting. I told Dr S I know they aren’t actually falling out and he kind of chuckled at my original disclaimer and replied, “Well, that is a LITTLE nuts”. Haha.

Well, I suppose it is. He’s known me long enough that all these hallucinations and voices I at least know aren’t real, this is just one of the things I deal with when treating Bartonella. It is annoying, I like my teeth, and I prefer not to look in the mirror and obsess over them, but I am just stirring up and killing bugs.

I already far surpassed my out of pocket costs with insurance for 2017 and I have to start all over with the new year, so you know what that means.. stockpile of my meds!

Kinda gross I know, but it is a wise decision, especially with Alinia. Even with insurance a week’s worth was around 200$.. I got the biggest refill I could, several weeks worth for free! Free is for me!

Andddd the blood work. I always tell Dr S to not be shy with my blood work as we are always looking for answers, but I always do a big donation to the vampires at the end of the year.

This draw was a pain in the ass.  Between the tech looking up the tests and multiple stab wounds, I was at the hospital for a good 45 minutes, and I even got it done when there was no one else in line.

Oddly enough, I always feel a lot better after a blood draw.  A little body clean out I guess?

Once again, EBV is completely reactivated. I would definitely contribute this to some of my ongoing symptoms, and have been doing my herbal antivirals in hopes the next time I get tested my levels go back down.

There was a few other tests that were slightly off, one being VEGF. I wasn’t really too familiar with this, but I guess it is a test that Shoemaker does. Knowledge is power, so I did a little delving on the Surviving Mold website.

VEGF has to do with blood vessel formation and blood flow. If it is low, that is bad, kind of common sense. I don’t know if Factor V Leiden would contribute to this, or the fact that my circulation has been piss poor lately.

I left the office with a Bartonella focused treatment. I started my new regiment out with Mino, Clinda, and Flagyl, and did this round for a few weeks. Next time I go back to it I will be adding A-Bart and Houttuynia.
The first week or so was pretty miserable. Nausea, fog, shaking badly, I was completely depersonalized.

I ended up having a bit of a mental breakdown the week before Christmas. I get overwhelmed every year doing all the baking, shopping (even though it is online), going into the card store to pick out some cards, sending out cards, everything.

There was a few days I needed to run errands and I sat in the parking lot at these places I needed to go and had to drive home empty handed. I did a few drive-byes in town to see if I could get a close parking spot to the card store and I knew I couldn’t walk that far, get the cards, and walk back. It was just too much to do for a day.

It seemed like the Flagyl days and the day after made me super depressed. I wouldn’t even have a reason why. I do know though, every single time I am hitting Bartonella really hard, this tends to happen. It always goes away, but in the meantime it stinks. Not only is it exhausting, it makes me paranoid and anxious about every little thing.

Dave came to my rescue though, and buttoned up everything I needed to do, like the baking and making my traditional holiday beef jerky for my coworkers. I came home to this all completed as well as having the dishes done, laundry swapped over, and my “honey do” list completed, including putting a new filter in our water system.

Side note: a honey do list is a list of chores for your man. He is usually pretty good at getting these done in a timely fashion before I remind him of the honey do list, so he gets a gold star.

As I have continued on with this protocol, I have noticed I have been doing some pretty awesome things. I have been having little chunks of the day that I have more energy, and have been doing a lot more. My “thing” lately is cleaning sprees.

I do hit a wall eventually, but I have really been getting some serious cleaning done, and have been doing a lot of cooking and can actually run a few errands and stand in line without fearing I will pass out or having to lean on something casually so no one notices.

I went to Walmart with Dave, my previous trip a few weeks prior was a complete bust, Dave had to bring me out to the car and nothing got crossed off our grocery list that day. This time although we didn’t do the entire store, we grabbed everything.

Dave had me hold the cart for some balance and I did it. We rarely go to Walmart, but I usually rock a scooter and my shades when we make the trip.

Toward the end of shopping, Dave was kind of in a mad dash to grab everything, and asked me to read off the list of things we needed as it would go a hell of a lot faster if he just went down the next isle or two to get things.

I ended up developing some foreign language, and replied either stuttering or yelling “BABABABABABAHH!” It doesn’t even phase him at this point, he just grabbed the list from me and made sure I held onto that cart good and tight haha.
I made it though! Walmart is really hard to do. Between the lights, the stimulation, and the fact there is a lot of walking, it is a lot. I slept for 4 hours when I got home but it was a successful trip.

Round two of my protocol was Mino and Levaquin. I am actually quite surprised. There was no nausea, no bathroom emergencies (LOL), and the first day of starting this protocol I worked at my Dad’s in the office, and then came home and scrubbed my bathroom. I was expecting to be on the couch in misery, as that is usually how day one goes, so this was a pleasant surprise.
I have continued to really get a lot accomplished and feel like a productive person doing this new protocol. Hooray!!! Little things are big things!

There is always a BUT, my new protocol has given me the most disgusting tongue. I woke up one morning, began to get ready, and when I brushed my teeth this little surprise was on my tongue.

Ummmm what the hell is going on??!!! I’ve gone from blisters to this mess?! This really can’t be good. After all, black is the color of death.

I brushed and brushed, scraped, it just wasn’t coming off. It isn’t a film like thrush that can come off. I did a little research and it can be an abundance of things, but Mino can also cause this particular issue.

It is a little concerning, I mean, it’s not healthy looking, but I am a little afraid that if the ENT doctor sees this I might not get the surgery. I will have to detox, anti fungal, anything I can think of before surgery day. In the meantime, needless to say, there will be zero French kissies between Dave and I for awhile.

Well, it is now 2018. Yikes. Dave stayed up to watch the ball drop with me on New Year’s Eve (which was a surprise, his usual bedtime is around 9:30 since he is kind of an old fart) and I couldn’t help to feel a little bummed out. When the ball drops, it is sort of meant to symbolize a new year, a fresh start, but I couldn’t help feeling like another year had passed me by.

Just looking on paper the year 2012, the year I started treatment, and then seeing 2018… that is a big gap in numbers of time that has pretty much been a nightmare that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

Well, maybe for a day in my shoes if you are a dink to me, let’s be real here. You are a total liar if you don’t have that slightest feeling once in awhile. Everyone has that one person who completely judges or misunderstands you and you are talking to a brick wall with anything regarding to your illness, and you’d like to just give them a teensy tiny taste of your reality. Just a day, nothing permanent, just to have them understand.

Looking back this past year, I have really gone through a lot. The biggest being my narcolepsy diagnosis. I know this will be a lifelong struggle, I just hope that one day it will be controlled much more. With so many overlapping issues it is always hard to differentiate between that and things like chronic EBV, the Lyme, the co’s, the neuro crapola.

My throat issues have been going on for a half a year so far. It’s been miserable, but I have high hopes that 2018 will change that, and I am hoping it will be beneficial all around.

Although some days I feel like I am falling apart, there have been so many days that I have seen real improvements. BIG improvements from where I was in the beginning of the year.

Getting treated for the narcolepsy has given me a higher quality of life. At the end of 2016, right before my diagnosis, I was in tears at Dr S’s office, which I hate as I seem like a big ol’ baby, and said to him, “This is not living”.

It’s true. Going through the motions of daily life as much as you can, but it is to only to get by. You are no longer you. You spend your days focusing more on when you can sleep, falling asleep, feeling every little bit of these infections taking over your life. There is no room for anything else and it is absolutely heartbreaking.

I wanted so badly to be able to go out and do more, but it isn’t like I can just drive anywhere, let alone go anywhere other than small local places on my own. My body just won’t let me.

I know Dave certainly wanted to do more things together, but there is a point in the day my body just says “when” and that little window of being able to even try disappears.

I am a rockstar, I am strong, I am brave, but I have my moments.

I feel like once you are seasoned with having chronic illnesses, and are no longer as sick as you once were, you feel every single thing a lot more. Physically and emotionally.

Physically, this disease has been really debilitating, my body just wants to what it wants, and I really have no control over it.

Emotionally this all has really begun to take a major toll. Ummm… where the hell did my 20’s go?! I think maybe because I turned 30 this year, maybe because I reached my anniversary of the fifth year of my treatment.

I have begun to  experience anxiety about everything. I have found myself overanalyzing the most insignificant things and having paranoia, I have definitely become more of a recluse.

I used to have a great, “whatever” and a pretty care free attitude, I still do have this attitude a lot of the time, but these emotional issues are pretty new to me, something I have never really  experienced. They suck.

Although I am not better (yet), I really am a step ahead in my progress. It doesn’t really seem like it a lot of days when I am struggling, but I know I am heading in the right direction.

Treatment is by no means fun, especially with such an aggressive approach (I prefer aggressive, I don’t mess around), but I know it is working. I have felt “stuck” for a very long time, but I think my combos are the right ones for me.

With Lyme and co’s, there really isn’t a right or wrong way, and everyone is different. Basically, it is trial and error. I think I might have hit the lottery on what might be the most effective treatments for me, and I’m really thinking there will be significant changes throughout the year.
I know slowly I am seeing bits and pieces of those “blue skies” Dr J talks about.

When I see those pieces, I have hope. I know I overdo it in those moments and pay for it but it is so worth it. Those pieces are finally coming back that I have fought so hard for. Who knows, maybe next year I will be writing about that one word we all pray for every single day, “remission”.

Wishing everyone a healthy New Year! Of course, you get an Olive picture. On one of my sprees, I folded my gigantic pile of laundry, and she was my assistant. She didn’t actually do anything to help, but isn’t she just the cutest?

November Part 1 – Antsy

Right now I am doing the hurry up and wait game with my ENT doctor.  I recently went back for my second visit and if you remember from my last update, he asked during my first visit if I have Lyme and the nurse told him I had a CDC positive Lyme test. Many of you know how that goes. Lyme can’t be long term, it is allergies. I have allergies with entirely negative allergy testing and a normal EOS. Go figure.

His original diagnosis on top of non existent allergies was laryngopharyngeal reflux.. but he kind of changed his tune during this visit. He basically really doesn’t know. Viral? Bacterial? Medical mystery once again. Go me.

He didn’t tell me to change anything. That is just one “issue” that came to mind, but there is no explanation on why I have had tonsillitis since May. I have followed his instructions perfectly. He put me on protonix, and told me to have little to no fat.

In addition to the whole no fat diet (which I personally disagree with, people need some healthy fats in their diet), I have not been eating spicy foods, acidic foods, or anything else related to reflux.

He didn’t even instruct me to do so, but this has been absolutely awful. I feel like I am breathing through a straw, my throat is closed and sore, and the lymph nodes under my chin and the sides of my neck are excruciating. Not to mention they look horrible, right now you can definitely call me Kimmie the frog.

My ENT does seem like a semi decent guy but has a massive time crunch. I kind of feel like I can’t get a word in and explain things to him. Dude! Let me tell you what is going on! Maybe that will help you figure it out!

He did an exam, and noticed I have a tongue ring. He asked how long I have had it, which to be fair is a completely valid question. I have heard some horror stories from people getting this piercing, but I have had it for 15 years. He did a little inspection (seriously? You didn’t notice it at all during my FIRST appointment?!) and said it looked completely fine.

Dave brought up new ongoing issues such as coughing in my sleep, gasping for air, and a huge increase of snoring. The only time I know any of this is happening is when I wake up gasping for air. I do know the whole reason I am gasping for air is my throat being completely swollen, but everything else I am sleeping and out like a light, so he had to fill the doctor in with this information.

The ENT doc decided to contact my sleep neurologist and go over my nighttime sleep study to see if there was sleep apnea. I had this test done nearly a year ago, I don’t think they missed anything, and the whole tonsillitis issue had developed over 6 months later. I’ll entertain it though. Why not.

So the debate with the ENT doc right now is surgery to remove my tonsils and adenoids. A lot of people call it a “T and A” surgery for short, but having a dirty mind my thoughts immediately go to having tits and ass surgery. LOL I am content enough with what I’ve got, but with my mind in the gutter, I’ll just keep it in long form, a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy.

He is hesitant to remove any body parts so he is on the fence, as adult surgery is far more difficult in the healing process than a child. He told me it was excruciating, and would be the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Nah Bub. Look at the shit I have been through over the years. A temporary few weeks of recovery that is probably pretty unpleasant is worth hopefully fixing my throat. It’s been a long time with no improvement. Yank those bastards out already.

Basically, I left doing the same thing, he told me the protonix wasn’t working at all but to keep on it. Okay? He then wrote down a concoction to gargle with: water, salt, baking soda, and peroxide. I tried to get a word in but rush rush rush, I wasn’t able to explain that I already do a variation of this, and off I went. “See you in 6 weeks, I need to do some research and see if there is improvement”.

Dave and I got in a little argument on the way home, as he kind of fixated on the tongue ring potentially being an issue. Were you even at the appointment?! The doctor said it was fine. Regardless, I decided to take it out. Maybe it would help?

I really don’t want to go back for my next appointment and have the doctor tell me to take it out, see what happens, and then have to do another, “See you in 6 weeks”. And then get the “I told you so!” speech from Dave, haha.  It’s been just shy of 6 weeks from when I removed it. Unfortunately it has made absolutely no difference. I guess you could say that I now have the power of the words, “I told you so!” to Dave. 😉

I had an appointment with Dr S shortly after my visit with the ENT doctor. We had previously discussed VIP spray, for shits and giggles, but both agreed it is not the right time to try it out. Reasons being – you shouldn’t use it with an active infection, it is used kind of at the end of treatment. I am not there yet. Also, spraying it in my nose is probably a really bad idea with what is going on with my throat. Maybe we will revisit that idea in the future.

We swapped out my antiviral supplements, I am now trying out Monolaurin. We talked about trying out a prescription viral medication but I am on so many prescriptions already (off the top of my head I think 9?) I felt a little more comfortable just trying out a supplement I haven’t tried before. Dr S gave me a blood work sheet with several tests and told me to wait a few weeks to go for a blood draw, to do the Monolaurin for awhile and also be on antibiotics when I take the test.

Though my basic bloodwork had a lot of high and low levels, they weren’t dramatically off. However, my WBC was high, which pretty much never happens with me. So that’s new. Of course, my immune complexes were off the charts high. Between those, my body is trying to fight something, we just don’t know what. I tested negative for EBV once again… which is good and bad I guess, as well as CMV.

The thing is, the immune complex test basically is showing something is really off, but it doesn’t tell you what. Having active EBV for years would at least be an explanation. It really could just be my active Lyme and Co infections. I’ve had all of these for over 25 years though, and my really bad lymph and throat swelling is a new issue. I got nothin’. It’s frustrating.

Dr S suggested writing a letter to the ENT doctor about me, to possibly push him along. Here’s what he came up with.

Dear Dr K,

Kimmiecakes has been a patient of mine since 9/2012. In that period of time she has had multiple evolutions of pathology including the onset of Tourrette’s. severe fatigue and disability, vertigo, neuralgia, swollen nodes, migrating polyarthralgia, severe headaches, mitochondrial myopathy, altered mental states, variable anxiety, depression, confusion, lymphadenopathy, bells palsy, POTS and more.

She is currently being evaluated by you for swollen tonsils which has been DDX as reflux and allergies. I understand that there is a presumption that Kim’s symptoms are reflux or allergy. She has normal Eos and low IgE antibody. There was been no changes w/ antacids and she has swollen nodes in other location that indicate the tonsils aren’t the only swollen site.

I am currently trying to differentiate between post lyme infectious syndrome or an active infection. The active infection may be borrelia and associated organisms or not. I am not certain.

Kim’s main diagnostic markers are high C3D circulating immune complexes (Raji cells) and high total complement and high C1Q binding.

We have done extensive testing for autoimmune disorders, lymphoma, persistent infections, cytokines, thyroid, hormone balance and more.

What I do know is that Kim has circulating immune complexes and an apparent inflammatory disorder. I am writing to request that you do infection testing on the tonsils with removal. I suspect that Kim has either a persistent infection bothering her immune system or something resembling PANDAS. (autoimmune reactions to strep or other infections that cause neuropsych disorders.) I feel that Kim would respond to Gamma globulin injections, esp to lower circulating immune complexes, but thus far Kim hasn’t met the diagnostic criteria for those injections to be covered by insurance.

The testing I am recommending

Viral culture; Ie labcorp 008573

Anaerobic and aerobic culture with gram stain: ie labcorp 008003

Fungal culture w stain: 188243

Please add more as you see appropriate ie specific mycoplasma culture w/extended aerobic culturing.

Thanks for your time. I know that these request fall out of the standard of care. Kim’s pathology certainly falls out of that standard.

Thanks,

Dr. S

Side note: I obviously changed our names as I always do. Also, Dr S. used careful wording as he knows the ENT doctor doesn’t believe in chronic Lyme. Hence, the “post Lyme infectious syndrome”. I also am not sure if this violates some sort of HIPAA.. HIPPA.. HIPPO.. whatever it’s called. I just sign the paper and know it is a privacy agreement. I think with the names changed and it being a letter and all it’s fine. I won’t tell if you won’t tell. Haha.

I will say, as much as I know Dr S has been frustrated at not being able to fix me, and has taken it out on me a little bit a few times, he wrote an amazing letter. He is pushing toward possibly PANS/PANDAS and IVIG treatment. If you look at my symptom and medical history, and the fact that I am considered a “strep carrier”… I am not positive as to what that means exactly, it is certainly a possibility.

Dr S showed me the letter before he sent it out asking for my thoughts and anything else I wanted to include, and then apologized knowing with everyone I basically have to facilitate my own care.

Really? This situation is completely okay. I have a doctor that is advocating for me, and is really trying to help out in anyway he can. Doing this favor for me is definitely above and beyond. I am so grateful. Now, whether the ENT doc poo poos us is a whole other story. Let’s hope not.

Maybe I would benefit if this hunch is correct. Wouldn’t that be awesome?! Get my swollen tonsils out, fix my throat, try IVIG if the ENT doc goes for it, and have a lot of the neurological stuff I deal with possibly go away?!

In the meantime I have been doing treatment. Alinia, Augmentin, and Cipro. I was also taking Mepron but I ran out and don’t have the $1600 or $1800 for a bottle. I can’t remember how much but my insurance doesn’t cover it. That’s okay though. Alinia hits Babesia, and this has all been a doozy. I have done several rounds now, and some days I was rendered completely useless. Dave has even had to hold me up to bring me to the couch.

Let’s play my violins with what I have dealt with during past few months. I have been depersonalized and foggy. I have gotten lost a few times driving, trying to find landmarks and of course not freak out, even though I have lived in my little town pretty much my entire life.

My torrential sweats are back. My POTS has gotten worse. I’ve had several times that I have had to lay on the floor for a bit. I’m a little bummed though. One time, my dog Cooper came up to me and kind of put his nose on my forehead and did a circle around, then went back to Dave’s chair. He was kind of like, “Ma? You alive? Yup. K. I go to chair now”. I think Cooper has about zero potential of being a therapy or an emotional support dog. What a dinkus. At least he’s cute.

I have been having speech issues with finding words, trying to remember what I am talking about, and stuttering. Body rocking. I get the shakes and have the mysterious head pressure that makes me lose my vision. I have been nervous a few times, getting an aura that I am all too familiar with, that I could possibly have a seizure. I know the drill. Pop an Ativan and seek cover. Luckily I haven’t had one.

I still have my tics of course. One day last week I was a hot mess. I was all over the place. Body rocking, twitching, doing the thriller dance, making noises, and I really wanted to go to a local place and pick up a detox juice on the way home. It has beet, kale, carrot, apple, and ginger. I always ask them for extra ginger, it helps my nausea a lot.

I grabbed a seat and waited for for my juice while I was dealing with all these very visible neurological issues, and when I was about to head out the door, a young couple sitting a few seats down from me said to one another while glancing at me, “Did you see her?!” The least you could do is wait until I am actually out the door. Geez. Maybe it is how people are raised now, I am not really sure, but I know my parents would not have been happy with me if I pointed out someones issues and discussed it in public, or like I have experienced many times, people coming up to me and asking, “What’s wrong with you?”. I don’t really take it to heart anymore, it is just a reminder that I’m still the way I am.

Some days however, these visible issues are near nonexistent. I have accomplished a lot, from cleaning sprees, errands, and even a Rite Aid trip with no sunglasses on. I went to a birthday dinner with several friends about 45 minutes away from home, which is a long time in the car for me at a noisy busy restaurant. That is really hard on me. Too many conversations around me, it being loud, it’s hard!

Dave knew pretty quickly it was not going to be fun for me and asked me if I was okay. He knew I was getting messed up even just sitting at the table. Even though I was definitely “off”, my body ended up adjusting. I wasn’t normal but I wasn’t to the point of falling apart, passing out, or having a seizure. All these things are great!

I had a kind of cruddy story, so I will share a funny one. It’s all about balance. Yeah some parts probably sound awful, but I have a sense of humor. You have to just laugh about it. Our workman’s comp company does a little audit every year and they want you to give some information about the employees and basically an update. When I logged in to do it, I noticed there was a bunch of personal information that was incorrect in their system. Even my Dad’s name was wrong!

I hate talking on the phone. For some reason it makes me foggier and even dizzy for any extended period of time. While calling the insurance company to correct their information on file, I left a long polite, yet angry message (I had already emailed the auditor to fix these errors and my Dad had also called them about it), I ended up completely forgetting who I was talking to by the end of my message, and I am pretty sure I ended the call with, “Love you, bye!” Whoops!

After I left work that day, I had to withdraw a little bit of money at the bank atm. I stared blankly at the machine, and realized I had no idea what my pin was. The pin I have had for years, the pin I had just used that morning. I went into the bank to tell them I forgot my pin, and I was also worried I was going to be locked out of my account. I couldn’t remember how many times I tried it. The teller told me to try it again, and it would say something about it being locked out with too many attempts.

Once again, I stare at the machine and had the “Aha!” moment and remembered it. Yayyyyy! I withdraw the money I need and pop back into the bank and let her know it worked, and I that I am an idiot.

THEN, I am standing in the parking lot, and begin to get that heart flutter panic feeling. I couldn’t find my car! I was wandering around the parking lot, looking for my lime green Lyme sticker in the rear view window. Finally I realized that I didn’t have my car. I had been driving my husband’s car for the week as mine was at the shop for a repair. Oy. That is one of those days that I opted for an easy dinner and go right to sleep.

The treatment hasn’t helped my throat any, I think the Cipro might be helping the bumps on my tongue a little bit though. I can tell a bit of a difference, even just these little accomplishments which means although there has been some bad days, there has been moments of blue skies. At least I know even though treatment sucks, it is doing something.

I have noticed some of my classic Bart symptoms coming out to play. I am getting “Bart feet” every night. For those of you who aren’t familiar with what this is, imagine wearing a really uncomfortable pair of shoes all day, and then walking barefoot on chards of glass and fire. That is Bart feet. I generally can’t feel from my calves down, but when I can, this is what I deal with daily. I have also noticed a bit more paranoia and seeing things at nighttime as well as some auditory hallucinations. However, these symptoms are not remotely as bad as they once were. I will also note that one relatively common symptom of narcolepsy is seeing shit at night. So maybe that is a slight overlap.

I had an appointment with Dr S yesterday, just for an adjustment, but we chatted a little bit. The previous night I was in excruciating pain. My stomach was as hard as a rock and bloated, not like a normal looking preggo bloated. I have been having quite often this pain that travels from my stomach and almost goes up to my non-boobs. It’s weird. I guess hard to explain. I have continuously had dull but also sometimes stabbing pain on my upper left side of my abdomen and this was way worse than the usual pain. He took a looksy, I had the sneaking suspicion of what it was and I was right. My spleen is enlarged. Gah!

I have been treating Babesia and this is an issue I’ve had in the past, and it resolved in time with continuous Babs treatment. So, it could be that. But, your spleen is also involved in your lymph system. And what has been a major issue since May? Very swollen lymph and tonsillitis. Maybe connected. He also noticed when giving me an adjustment not only is my throat all messed up, I am now having swollen nodes in the back of my neck. Whyyyyyyy…. I guess I will have optimism to share this with the ENT doctor for yet another additional push.

Dr S told me to take a break from treatment for awhile. I now have the spleen issue, but my stomach has been pretty messed up as well. I have been babying it as much as possible, keeping up with my probiotics and loading up with glutamine powder and it hasn’t been helping. It’s been sore, bloaty, and lots of trips to the bathroom. Let’s just put it this way.. I went to the pharmacy the other day and there was a super old guy with a walker in front of me. OMG WHAT IS THAT SMELL??!!! Yup. That smell was some pungent poop. My stomach has been so bad the thought came to mind.. ummm.. is that him or me? False alarm guys. It was him. Phew. That’s when you know your stomach ain’t right. LOL

I hate to take a break even though I agree with Dr S. Last time I had a really messed up gut, I had to take a few month break. I don’t want to have that happen again. I ended up having to take digestive enzymes, mag citrate, pre/pro/ and phytobiotics, pretty much anything as I stopped even being able to digest my food. It would just chill in there. Let’s not have this happen again.

So, now I wait. My ENT appointment is on Monday. I am really trying to not thing and worry about it, but I am. I can’t help it. I am very antsy. I have everything sent, the letter, copies in hand, and I am going to have notes and questions prepared. That’s about all I can do. I am really hoping he will just yank my tonsils out. I am tired of waiting. In addition to this, my health insurance has gone up in cost dramatically, and I want to get it done before the new year to not have to deal with my deductible. We shall see! Wish me luck. Although you all know I am Miss Positivity, I have the feeling I will need it.

Happy weekend everyone! I will try to update as soon as I can, but if I slack I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Remember everything to be thankful for, and of course don’t forget to stuff your face with lots of good food!

Year 5 – What I Have Learned Living With Chronic Illness

I have recently reached my 5th year anniversary of my diagnosis of Lyme disease and the start of my treatment. Hooray? Not really.

I walked into my naturopath’s office with a bum leg, and a previous diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, CFS, and IBS. I went through my life story and within about 10 minutes of playing my violins, I heard the words, “You have Lyme”.

I was thinking in my head, “Yes! Oh thank God! It’s only Lyme!”. He then stepped out of the room for a minute and came back with a baggie of supplements. I think there were three or four bottles he gave to me that day, which is absolutely nothing in the Lyme world. The second I left his office and began to drive away, I bawled my eyes out. Not only did I bawl my eyes out, I ended up having that ugly cry. You know what I mean.. hyperventilating, snots and and all. That little baggy of supplements scared me.

If I only knew what was yet to come in the next five years of my Lyme journey.

Although he said those dreadful words, “You have Lyme”, we did testing to confirm the clinical diagnosis. He ordered a script of doxycycline to provoke the test and I took it for a couple weeks. It was awful, but in that period of time I was still thinking that after a month I would be myself again. It didn’t work out that way, that’s for damn sure.

I think the test came back relatively quickly and I got an email from my doctor that went as follows…

“Hi Kim. I got the results on the lab work today.

You had a POSITIVE Lyme IgM western blot. It was positive by both IDSA and ILADS guidelines (wow).

So, you have Borrelia and everyone is going to agree on that.

What people won’t agree on is the treatment.

You have an appointment on Friday at 3:30.

I highly encourage you to bring your husband and maybe father to that appointment to hear it all.

I’m glad the labs were clearly conclusive.  I’m sorry things are the way they are, but at least you know what direction to go.”

What the fuck was he talking about??!! People won’t agree on my treatment???! Well, that is just one thing I have learned about chronic illness, especially having one that doesn’t exist, according to the medical industry. The way people are treated with Lyme is absolutely disgusting.

I won’t bore you with an entire five year summary. Okay not that I would bore you because let’s face it, I am awesome, and you should read my story.

Anywho, I wrote a blog a few years ago about the things I have learned having a chronic illness and figured I would see if I felt differently as our thoughts and opinions change over time and we always are learning new things. This article applies to anyone suffering from a chronic illness, not only Lyme. I bet all of you that are suffering can completely relate.

As you know, I also have several tick-borne coinfections, and have opportunist infections, like chronic EBV. I have Narcolepsy, Rhythmic movement disorder, Myoclonus, Tourette’s syndrome, and POTS. I am sure I am missing some, but you get the point. A laundry list of shit.

I am hoping that some of my many issues will improve over time. I will say however, it is important to not blame everything on Lyme. I know some things aren’t Lyme related, although these buggers could have released some of these demons. I’ll never really know for sure.

Tourette’s syndrome and my other involuntary movements are annoying, but at least they don’t actually make me feel bad. PEOPLE can make me feel bad, not the actual disorders themselves.

Lyme sucks. Narcolepsy sucks. POTS sucks. All can be completely disabling to the patient. Not to mention it has all been very expensive. Fortunately for me, I am much better off than I once was. I still have a long way to go, but I am getting there little by little. It’s a friggin’ process. I’ve just had to learn to enjoy the ride. *Sarcasm*

I have learned a lot of things over the years. A lot I could have done without and been completely okay with it. Shitty life lessons. I’m sure many of you have heard the classic phrase, “Everything happens for a reason”. NOPE! Sorry, but it doesn’t.

Bad things happen to good people. Did the guy in the clouds want me to come out of this as a better person? I did steal a $7 mood ring from Walmart once. Maybe this is my punishment. So, let’s not say things like that. We’ll touch base with this thought later. I am a scatterbrain.

How you feel can change in an instant – Anyone living with a chronic illness understands this. I have learned my better time frames of the day. Sometimes they change around a little bit but I am at my best between 10:00 a.m. and then crash at 1:00. I get a little oomph back from 3:00 to 4:00. I seem to accomplish more during these time frames and have a handful of spoons. I know that is two time frames I mentioned, the spoons just had to cycle through the dishwasher and I was able to grab a few more haha. Don’t know what I mean by having spoons? Read an article, you can find it on Google, called “The Spoon Theory”. This read can give you a general very basic idea how it can be a struggle to get through the day having a chronic illness.

If I go out to dinner, or try to pick up the house and clean, even sometimes just sitting on the couch, I can go from okay to bad very quickly, sometimes with no rhyme or reason. It can literally hit me like a wave. Maybe a giant tsunami wave.

I have found that I have triggers that can make how I feel change very quickly over the years. The biggest for me personally is lights and overstimulation. I cannot handle bright flashing lights, fluorescent lights, or a lot of conversations around me. I have a very hard time with elevators and escalators, even though sometimes there is no other option because it would be impossible for me to make it up a flight of stairs.

With Narcolepsy, I cannot just sit for a minute without distractions. Well, even sometimes with distractions. There has been a lot of times that Dave has had to get my plate of food away from me so I don’t choke or end up wearing it. Knowing these triggers can be helpful, so you can try to avoid them.

It really is difficult making plans and committing to them not knowing how you will feel in the next week, day, or even hour. I try to “prep” myself by basically babying everything I do a few days in advance to try to go out and do something. Try my hardest to not overdo it. Even then sometimes it doesn’t work. You just never know.

You will find out half the people you know are secretly doctors – This is super aggravating. I have to try to remember though, most people have the best intentions for you. There will always be people that give you remedies because their Uncle’s second Cousin’s friend was sick, and he tried such and such and it worked, so it would definitely work for you. “Have you tried these mushrooms? They really would work!”

“A little sunshine, diet and exercise!”. “Have you tried…..”. Or, they blame your medications not understanding what herxing is, even if you have explained it a dozen times. Just smile and thank them, consider their advice if you choose, try not to diss their ideas, even if their cure involves jumping jacks and picked eggs, and move along.

Not only do some of these people have secret medical degrees, there are those who will also try to sell you shit! –

I have seen people prey on the sick in support groups. I get a lot of friend requests and also get a lot of private messages trying to get me to buy this and that. People that I happen to run into that happen to know that I am sick.

I know better, but there are a lot of people that are desperate to feel better and have little hope, and they end up get scammed. A good hint that these people know diddly squat and want your money is when they say something idiotic like, “This is an absolute CURE for your LYMES! You will be CURED with this 30 day program… for only $39.99.”

Ughhh. A) There is no cure, only remission and B) Lyme. Hold the “S”. That is also a big bold statement to tell someone. Be weary of anyone that tells you this, even doctors can do this to people. Yuck. If I just did that Shaun T 21 day fix that some random chick was trying to sell me on Facebook, I’d be better by now. 21 days for a “Lymes” cure isn’t too bad. Shame on me for not having an open mind on this one.

Some people will just not get it – As many of you know, my disease for a very long time was not even close to being an invisible illness. If you are not familiar with my story, check out the “About Me” link on the top of my blog page and watch my video. With it being visible, people knew without a doubt I was sick.

At one point, I had lost so much weight that I was down to 105 pounds. My collar and shoulder bones really stuck out, and you could see every rib of mine. I certainly passed the thigh gap test with flying colors. I was either 50 shades of gray, or jaundiced so I had a lovely tinge of yellow to my skin. I could barely walk and often had to be pushed around in my wheelchair. Not to mention all the involuntary outbursts and movements of all kinds. There was no denying that I was very ill at that point in time.

Now, my symptoms have become much less visible or nearly invisible on a lot of my better days. People that really know me will just know I am not feeling so hot by noticing little things, but for the most part I could pass to a lot of people as having an invisible illness as long as it isn’t a “Tourettesy” day. I am no longer like that 24/7. We’ve got it controlled a lot better without a doubt.

At my best, I would describe myself as looking like I had a fun night out when I wake up in the morning, with raccoon eyes, but otherwise I look like I am doing alright. I look “normal” to everyone who sees me. With this, people often will assume you are fine and officially better.

I have learned there is a huge misunderstanding surrounding invisible illnesses. Look good, feel good! What they don’t see is neurological battles, or levels of pain one may be dealing with. They don’t see extreme exhaustion. Anything that happens to be the struggle of the day. Most of us become great actors pretending we are fine and continuously keep a smile on our faces.

Those who don’t get it can and will say the dumbest shit to you. Not necessarily with bad intentions I should clarify once again. A lot of these things are from your secret doctors. I have to bite my tongue a lot. Chronic illness isn’t a cold or flu that goes away in a week. Chronic is chronic!

I have had the suggestion that I just need to go on a vacation. I just oversleep and that makes me more tired. Have a baby, stop taking my meds, just get off the couch and do something. That sunshine and exercise! If you would just….

The lovely feared comment that can make you feel the anger pressure building up in your body, the comment that just might make your head explode, “At least it’s not cancer”…. Thanks? I really think it is trying to help give comfort, but that totally minimizes what you are going through. Things like this prove your disease is just plain not understood.

Invisible illness can be really hard. I’ll leave it on the note, “You don’t get it until you get it”.  Also know that sometimes you cannot teach someone about your illness that is not open to it.

Chronic Lyme disease is controversial and misunderstood. You often find yourself talking to a brick wall. It will only hurt you in the end. You will always have someone that gives the comment when trying to explain things, “I get so tired too, it is such a dreary day!” No. That is not what we mean at all.

Pure exhaustion is when your body doesn’t even want to move, it is a struggle to keep your eyes open, and you have not had a restorative sleep for as long as you can possibly remember. This is very common with any chronic illness. Trying to explain brain fog, anything to get loved ones to understand what you are going through.

Educating people that don’t want to learn is pretty much impossible. Like I said, brick wall. I know a lot of people that try to talk to their families or friends, and they really don’t believe them. Or they don’t even take the initiative to know about the disease their family member or friend has. I’ve seen people try very hard to get their loved ones to watch “Under Our Skin”, and they won’t take an hour or so out of their lives to sit on their ass and watch a movie to learn a little. Try giving them a few articles that remain unread. Doctors more often than not are also not open to learning new information.

Instead of getting involved and learning, people will make assumptions, judge you, be rude, stare. It is best to just let things go as much as it can sting. This all sucks, but you just can’t force it upon people that don’t want to learn. You just can’t. Shaking it off and letting things go will make you much happier and less stressed. Stress = worsening of symptoms. Who wants that?

Once everything changes and you begin to get really sick and you are no longer able to go out or do the things you used to do, you will find out who is there for you, and who isn’t. Those people who you may have thought were your friends quickly turn to acquaintances. People who you thought would stick by your side literally vanish. Some people you believe that are great friends will listen and sit with you, but you will find that they are talking behind your back with judgements.

I once had a “friend” that I thought was one of the people in my life that would be there through thick and thin tell everyone that I was just being lazy and I pick and choose what I do. He even went to the extent of saying I bring things upon myself, like having seizures. I don’t know how this is possible, but that is just one example of what has been said about me.

Another “friend” who I thought would be there completely disappeared, only to show up at my house nearly a year later and asked me for money. Wha wha what??!!!

I get hurt when I sometimes no longer get invites. I often find myself wondering if it is me, if I am seen as burden, wondering if I have done something wrong. Depending on how I am doing, I either have no feelings at all and am out of it so I frankly do not give a shit, or because I don’t do a whole lot and couch it, it really eats away at me even though I try very hard to not over think and let things bother me.

Longer and longer down the road, you will find that pool dwindle down a little more, or you feel dynamics change. People may lose their families, or their marriages fall apart. It really sucks. Absolutely do yourself a favor, snip the fat if you need to. Sometimes it is just too much and you have to let go. I realize this can be certainly easier said than done. However, when there is negativity and stress in your life, it prevents you from healing.

There are still a lot of great people out there – I have found many good people come out of the woodwork and truly care about how I am doing. They genuinely want to help. Several people in my town came together and held a benefit for me when I first began to go to DC for my treatment. I was amazed, I felt blessed. I have a friend who would wash my hair twice a week the entire time I had my PICC and Powerline in. That is 16 months of a huge help. I would have had a hell of a time without her. She’s snuck into my house when I wasn’t home and cleaned it from top to bottom. It made my day… okay my entire week.

I have a friend that will just come over and chat with me, and we sit and watch movies. A friend who has taken me out for a cup of coffee. A friend that I have smoothie dates with. Friends that find articles relating to my illness and share them with me so I know they are thinking of me. All these little simple things are big things.

For all those bad people in your life, don’t forget that there are always people in your life that really do care. You are never really alone, even if you may feel like it. If you just want someone to talk to or offer support some days, utilize social media!

There are tons of great people out there that although we all have our different stories, they know and understand what you are going through. It is great to get advice and share things, as sometimes your loved ones cannot relate to this all.

I’ve made some good friends this way, including one of my now closest friends that happens to live nearby! It’s a small world, huh?!  She shares similar experiences, and I lucked out.. she is just as weird as I am, gets my twisted humor, and throws it right back to me. We have had a lot of laughs and a lot of cries together. I really needed this type of friend in my life, one who completely gets it.

Dry shampoo is my friend. Over the years, I have had plenty of time to bond with dry shampoo. Sometimes it is just near impossible to get ready for the day and look your best when you feel downright awful. I am guilty of alcohol swabbing my pits, slapping on a little extra deodorant, and calling it good. I guess what I mean here is that what you wear, what you look like for the day doesn’t matter as much as you think it does.

I used to be one of those people who would be a bathroom hog, perfecting my makeup, spending entirely too much time to get my hair “just right”. I’d try on a bunch of outfits before heading out the door. Do these things give you a pick me up in a sense? A boost of confidence? For sure. Although some may disagree, there are way more important things in life. But hey, this is things I have learned during my own personal journey. I’d rather put on a comfy sweatshirt and jeans, and throw my hair in a messy now, rather than spend all that time getting ready. By the end of getting ready, I don’t even want to do anything anymore. It wipes me out. I still like to look nice once in awhile, but this is no longer a priority to me. I’d like to think I look fabulous either way. 😉

Don’t always make everything about you – I know this one can be tricky. This disease has taken over your life. Every single day you live it and breathe it. Those that are close to you and have stuck by your side are wonderful, as well as those that take an interest in how you are doing. However, they do not want to hear the negativity (or a complete medical report) all the time.

Yes, it is okay to share, give updates, and vent once in awhile, but don’t forget to ask how they are doing, what is going on in their lives, and listen to what they have to say. These people have lives too, and struggles of their own that we often forget because of what we are going through. Support them equally in any way that you can and be their friend too.

Never forget others are going through this journey with you – Although it is hard to see the big picture, I always remember that Dave is living with this disease too. Life hasn’t just changed for me, it has changed for him. He went from my spouse to my caregiver. He has made tremendous sacrifices but has stood by my side every step of the way. You are not the only one fighting this battle. Appreciate these great people in your life.

You need to have a sense of humor! This is so important! Sometimes the shit that you deal with on a day to day basis you just have to laugh about. I am sure looking back, there are probably a lot of “funnies” you’ve experienced, especially if you are a brain fogged mess.

Here is an example… I once sat and waited at a restaurant to pick up my takeout for dinner for what seemed like an eternity. What is taking so damn long???!!! Well, turned out, I was sitting in the wrong restaurant. I got so embarrassed when I was arguing with them that I definitely called and placed an order and they proceeded to show me on the caller ID that I had not called their restaurant and was mistaken. Ahh! Who the hell did I call then???!!!  I finally got to the correct place and picked up my cold and soggy food as it had been sitting so long, feeling like a dumbass. But common’… that’s just plain funny.

Be grateful – As I wrote above, be grateful for those amazing people in your life. Be grateful for the things that you CAN do, and try not to dwell on what you cannot do at the moment, and remember that things will get better in time. Always find the silver linings. There are ALWAYS silver linings, even if you feel that you are at rock bottom. Hold onto these things, as they will help you during your darkest times.

I never forget that I do have a few amazing friends, a husband, my family, a home to call my own, there have been several of my symptoms that have improved, even when I feel like the world has turned upside down. These are all my silver linings that make life so much better for me.

In past articles I have mentioned even if it sounds silly, writing down the things that you are thankful for. Maybe the things you are able to do. People you love. Your fur kids. You will come up with more things than you would have thought!

Be proud of your accomplishments, big or small – If you do something that you haven’t been able to do in a long time, even if it is something like being able to sweep and vacuum, be happy. It might be a very big deal for you. Share it with your friends, your family. Be proud. You deserve it.

Your doctors are only human-  I love my team of doctors and I have faith they will one day get me well, but they are human. They make mistakes, they do not know everything in the world. They are also not mind readers. Do not underplay how things really are. He or she doesn’t know how you are feeling or experiencing unless you tell them. Let them know everything even if you think it is not a big deal. Sometimes they have to connect the dots. Bring notes with you to your appointments, keep a notepad handy for information you may want. I know I forget everything very quickly, so this is a great tool. A life lesson with Lyme brain: Sticky notes are a life saver!

Know your body – If you absolutely know you cannot do something, then don’t do it. It is okay, we have limitations. Sometimes you have to cancel plans, sometimes you may not be able to switch that laundry over or fold it (that is me this afternoon haha), sometimes you just have to say when.

If you know that something is wrong or missing (this goes along with my next topic), then try to fight for it. It took me a long time to push doctors when I knew there were missing pieces of the puzzle. For a few years I knew there was a huge piece missing. I fought tooth and nail for testing because I just knew something was very wrong.

Did I sit there and self diagnose? No.. I wouldn’t advise that either, and I didn’t know what it could possibly be. I knew I was out of the realm of what is considered chronic illness tired. Turned out, it was Narcolepsy. That is a very big deal! I struggle daily but now I have a much better quality of life. If I didn’t know my body well enough and speak up, would I have gotten this huge piece figured out? I am thinking most likely not.   

Do your research/be an advocate – This is so so important! I cannot believe the amount of people that do not do any research on their disease! Google is your friend! Books are your friend! Learn everything you can about your illness. If you are being sent to get blood work done or any test, find out WHY.

Get the results in your hands, and see what they may mean. You may find some things along the way that you have not been tested for, or something that you think is missing from your treatment. Bring it up! ALWAYS get your dictation notes. Research the medications or supplements you may be given.

Don’t have full trust going into this, and don’t have 100% trust in your doctor. Doing research might even make you realize your doctor is not right for you. Not all doctors are created equal!

Don’t be afraid to ask questions and speak up if you disagree with something. Fight for yourself. Be an advocate for yourself. Knowledge is power.

Pushing yourself can be entirely worth it – There are some days that I want to do nothing but lay on the couch or stay in bed. Something as simple as dinner or a movie seems like an impossible feat, but I push through it and it feels great to be able to get out there. I know that there can be consequences, sometimes lasting for days. A higher level of symptoms, pure exhaustion. That night going to dinner with friends, laughing and being social is worth it, I promise you.

Mind- over- matter can get you to do some great things. I didn’t feel good today, but I pulled myself together the best I could and said to myself, “YES I CAN” and accomplished a lot. I went to work, left for a doctors appointment, went back to work, went to two different post offices, the bank for work, my bank, the store, and had to run around the yard to grab my trouble making dog who suffers from selective hearing.

This concept has kept me working (even if it is for my Dad just a few hours a day), kept me wanting to keep going and fight. I never give in or give up. This concept has probably kept my sanity through all of this.

Hold onto hope – Things will get better. You just have to believe it. This is by far the longest journey that I have been though, and I am sad that I have given up a big chunk of my twenties and am now into my thirties, but I know that in time I will get more and more back to “me”.

It is definitely okay to “have a day” once in awhile, let’s be real here. I know I am big on the butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns but sometimes you just need to have a day to let it all out. It happens!

Honestly, some days I have a feeling of immense grief, losing the life I once had. Some days I absolutely lose it with frustration and am angry at myself for not being able to do everything I want to do, angry I feel so lousy, and I am just plain angry at the world. I get overwhelmed once in awhile, and that is okay. On these days I try to go to bed with the thought that tomorrow is a brand new day. It doesn’t mean I have lost hope, I hold onto it but I would say this is entirely normal.

Positivity is an amazing medicine and if you keep your head held high and think of the good, you will be so much stronger beating this. Check out my blog post on positivity,https://kimmiecakeskickslyme.wordpress.com/2014/02/04/staying-positive/  , you will find it is even scientifically proven that keeping the faith really is an amazing medicine.

I have learned how strong and brave I can be. I couldn’t have imagined being this sick in a million years. Treatment can be so brutal. I never thought I would be doing all sorts of heavy treatments, be glued to an IV pole, or have my schedule be filled with doctors visits, the hospital, and trips to the pharmacy.

I advocate for myself as strongly as I can. It can be scary having to stick up for yourself whether it be with doctors, loved ones, or even complete strangers. Although I have always considered myself outgoing, I am not a confrontational person. But now I have to be!

The emotional toll of being sick has been awful. It is so tiring dealing with it, not having control of your body or your mind. As I see it, there are two paths I could have taken. I could have had a terrible outlook and let these illnesses eat me alive, consume me, let them win. Or, I could fight like hell and know this is not the end of the road for me. I decided to fight like hell. I haven’t given up no matter how hard it may be, and I will never give up. I will never let chronic illness define me, and that makes me a warrior.

I would like to thank everyone who have supported me over these years. It means more to me than you will ever know. Love you all so very much.

P.S. A “Where’s Waldo”… Can you spot Miss Olive?

August 2017 – Hi ho Hi Ho, Off to the ENT I Go!

Yes, I am aware it is September now. August was a pretty busy month, but I figured I would fill you in and not leave you hanging!

August was full of doctors appointments, work, treatment, and attempting to be productive. I feel like lately I have had bits and pieces of “bluer skies”, as Dr J would call it, so I make the most of it. I have done some grocery shopping without chaperone Dave. I have cleaned up my dirty house a bit (I think it isn’t completely possible living with 3 little monsters), and been cooking and freezing some extra meals.

On the other hand, I fade and fade fast. Some days I am still a fixture of the couch – shaking, rocking, and altogether completely out of it. I have been having really bad days with my Tourrette’s syndrome, but also some other days you would never even know.

There have been days I have been told that I “have that light back in my eyes”, and days that I am asked if I am okay, and the classic, “you look exhausted”.

You know what I am saying! Chronic illness is full of good days and bad days. Like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get! 😉

This past month, I have been on Augmentin and Alinia. The nausea can be really bad, and by nighttime I generally feel like I am being stabbed in the stomach. I am in a fog or completely depersonalized. But I will say, I have tolerated the combination extremely well, especially not pulsing and treating everyday. Most of the time even pulsing it hits me like a ton of bricks and there is no “bluer skies”.

I finally got in with my ENT. I had been impatiently waiting for well over a month. As I had mentioned before in my video blogging, I have had pretty severe lymph issues. My neck is full of what they call “shotty bilateral lymphadopathy”. Basically, this is a bunch of hard bb pellet nodes in my neck. The center of my neck and under my chin has been completely swollen and even affecting my breathing. It has gotten to the point it has changed my voice and I feel like I am breathing through a straw. It is hard to drink liquids and I have been waking up gasping for air and coughing like I have been strangled. Heating pad to the neck, I’ve just been plain ol’ miserable. Not to mention it isn’t visually appealing whatsoever. Haha. I now have a big turkey neck that I never had before. Gobble gobble.

Doctors upon doctors not too sure what was going on, an ER visit that was unpleasant (but I did get my CT done, so that made it all worth it), my PCP, Dr S… Dr S is the only one that hadn’t been a turd to me about it. He at least took the initiative for some testing. My PCP pretty much said, “It could be Lymphoma, have a good day! Oh by the way, I don’t want to be responsible for you”. Oy vey.

But Dr S did give me a Leukemia and Lymphoma immunophenotyping test.. okay I am not super positive if that is exactly what it is called, but it seemed very unlikely this was my issue. Phew.

Surprise surprise, the CT and all the paperwork the ENT office requested early for my appointment was never even looked at. I was kind of a piss pot about this, so was Dave. He piped up to the nurse that the ENT is doctor #5 and let’s take this seriously, get it figured out.

Side note!!!! *** When you feel like shit, it is a great thing to have someone go with you to appointments. There is no way I could drive the half hour to the ENT office either way, so Dave goes with me. Although I bring notes to discuss since I can’t remember a fucking thing, he adds whatever I may be forgetting as well as asks questions I might not think to ask.

He is my “translator” if I start stuttering or begin to sound like I am speaking a foreign language. I often get a puzzled look, and he always jumps in with a, “What she means is”, and correctly tells the doctor what I am trying to spit out. He is pretty good at being my translator haha, Sometimes I make no sense. Dave gets a gold star.

The nurse was going through my records and stepped outside with the ENT who was then reviewing my CT. I had a laugh.. In the hallway the doctor asks, “Has she been tested for Lyme disease?” I actually never mentioned it to them, but it was in my life story of a binder full of records. The nurse replied that I have Lyme and am still treating it.  I’ll get to the aggravating laugh part later…….

The biggest concern is obviously my breathing and the swelling. Breathing is a good thing after all. Lidocaine was sprayed up my nose, we talked a little bit about symptoms I have been experiencing, and the then stuck a camera up my nose and down my throat to take a looksie. My adenoids and lingual tonsils are all swollen, as well as my artenoids and post cricoids are rather unhappy as well. All with edema, and most with erythema as well. What does erythema mean? It is “superficial reddening of the skin, usually in patches, as a result of injury or irritation causing dilatation of the blood capillaries”. Thanks Google!

The ENT told me to not focus on the side nodes at this time. Viral? He came off Lyme. He gave the diagnosis of laryngopharyngeal reflux, or LPR for short. Also known as “silent reflux”. He said that this can actually be a neurological issue involving the vagus nerve. In the past, I have had stomach issues likely from my vagus nerve and had to take a bunch of supplements to aide in digesting my food, or it would just chill in there for a long time, which is not a good thing.

I was told to not worry so much about acidic foods but to have little to no fat and was put on Protonix. He said this can take a long time to heal, much longer than someone with regular reflux. He also gave me an allergy test as I haven’t had allergy tests done in the past.

Now here comes that aggravating laugh. My allergy testing came back. All negative. Nada. Zip.

A doctor mentions Lyme, Lyme is confirmed. Yeah no.. it MUST be allergies. That is my side node diagnosis. ALLERGIES. ARE YOU DENSE IN THE HEAD???!!!!!!! THE TESTS WERE EFFING NEGATIVE!

This is so incredibly common with Lyme. I hear so many stories of people getting tested, have CDC positive results in their hands and their doctor still says it can’t be Lyme. Lyme isn’t in whatever state they live in. It is a false positive. Any excuse. Frustrating, huh?!

I mean of course, with a Western Blot there can be Lyme specific bands that are positive but that also isn’t recognized. If you don’t have that test lit up like a Christmas tree with that CDC positive test, you don’t have Lyme, even with bands that are positive that are indicative of having Lyme disease. You can’t just be a little pregnant. You either are or you aren’t. That is how it is for us though unfortunately with these uneducated doctors. And like I said, even with that positive test, they will still poo poo you. Gotta love it.

Anywho… I have been doing a little to no fat diet. Not going to lie, as soon as I left his office, Dave and I had a last hurrah lunch at a Chinese food buffet. I stuffed my face with all the fried and greasy goodness I could, knowing I would have to behave. I actually usually don’t eat poorly, but when you are told you can’t have something, of course you want it.

After my last supper, well, lunch, I was off to appointment number two of the day, my sleep neurologist. Things aren’t perfect by any means when it comes to my Narcolepsy, but life has definitely improved from this aspect. I have gone from 14-18 hours a day of sleeping to 8-10. I still have a tendency to instantly fall asleep, and get an overwhelming sensation that I need to fall asleep right then and there. It is almost like complete panic.

She told me that this is more trying to make life better, but I won’t ever not have some struggles of having narcolepsy. She suggested trying to take a one hour nap during the day. It is easy for me to do so, just give me a couple minutes. Problem is, I can’t wake up. We decided at this time to just keep my dosage the same, and to just play around with it a bit and see if it continues to help. Like taking it earlier, or later, just to see if it makes any sort of a difference.

I am a little worried though. I am having the sensation of complete exhaustion when I have any sort of stronger emotion such as laughing or having a deep conversation. This gives me a loss of muscle control, my body just turns into jello. This is kind of a lighter version of cataplexy. I am hoping it will pass. These episodes were improving for a long time, but I am starting to take a few steps back. If it gets worse or continues, she said to give her a call. At least she is really nice to me… even though she always asks how my “Lyme’s” is. Haha. At least she believes me and is always concerned my medication will make my “Lyme’s” worse, or my seizures, which is always a possibility with taking a brain stimulant.

I was looking at my dictation notes from my appointment and I found it interesting that she had mentioned that I was opening and closing my mouth and clicking my jaw. She had a question mark, Tourrette’s or new tic? I don’t recall doing this, but I kind of envision myself looking like a crocodile opening and closing my mouth during my appointment. Haha. Super.

I just had an appointment with my LLND. I had shot him an email prior to my appointment asking to start over with my supplements to see what is truly necessary. Instead of having a pile of supplements ready for me, he gave me a list and told me to finish what I have and downsized my stash, and changed a few things that he thought would be more beneficial when I use everything up. I am glad I have a doctor that isn’t into selling me a bunch of things, and wrote a list. It could have been one very expensive appointment!

I read off my bulleted list of symptoms and filled him in on my recent appointments. After playing my little violin, I asked what the game plan was…

Well, back on treatment. I have had about a week and a half off. During that time I did a lot of juicing to detox, and it is easier to do the fun no fat diet. At this point, it isn’t my first rodeo with treatment and he kind of looked at me and asked what I wanted to do, that I already probably had something in mind. He does the same with my blood work, gives me a look at the sheet and asks what I want to add. I apologized for being bossy, but he did say me it was welcomed from me. Like I said, not my first rodeo haha.

I am adding some yellow chalky syrup to my mix, as well as my nemesis last summer. In short if you haven’t read my blog, I went nuts. Voices in my head wishing me self harm. The voices wouldn’t stop. Literally 24/7. Nothing could drown them out. It took about a month for it to go away when I stopped treatment. I had been on this antibiotic for years on and off with significant improvement, so it was just bizarre I had a strong reaction. I put two and two together, I had started a biofilm protocol at the exact same time, so I think a lot of Bartonella released and it was just way too much. I am giving it a whirl again though! Here goes nothing!

I started treatment a few days ago. So far, I am definitely bogged down and “fuzzy”, I guess you could say. The Mepron is definitely hitting some Babs, I am getting horrible night sweats. The back of my head and hair are drenched, and you can see where the sweat has gone through my jammies. I haven’t started Alinia yet, my Dad has to pick it up for me. I’m not really looking forward to it haha. I am getting the lump in your throat that you feel when you could possibly barf and I have that awful feeling of liquids sloshing around in your stomach that happens when you get super nauseated. But, I need to keep hydrated.

I am waiting on a lot of my blood work, so I don’t have an update on that yet. So far, everything wasn’t really too far off. A lot of on the fences but not out of range. My chloride was high though? That is a first.

The only test that was off was my vitamin D. It has been low normal for a long time… when I first got tested it was only a 13. That is pretty bad. Now it is a 24. I didn’t know how it could possibly be low, it is in my array of supplements. I did a little research and found a lot of vitamin D rich foods have fat. I am not eating fat. Secondly, I look at the bottle of vitamin D. Suggestion was to eat with fatty foods for absorption. Well then! That would probably explain it! But, I am now having to have a little peanut butter twice a day, so I am thinking by the next time I have a blood draw it will be better if I take it at the same time.

We are retesting for Myasthenia Gravis, as I always am teetering in the middle to high end, but never a positive. Immune complexes once again. Viruses. We had discussed Sjogren’s as a real possibility contributing to my throat issues, as well as my tongue issue, and a history of dry mouth on or off medications and dry eyes.

As I said, I am definitely not looking forward to adding Alinia tomorrow. Really not. I will definitely be herxy and if I am out of it now, I can only imagine how it will be with the add. I am pretty reactive to it. At least I know it is working. I think of it like this though.. treatment is not fun at all. But, you need to look forward and do what you need to do to get better. I am not a quitter.

How does that saying go?? My track record is 100% of getting through my worst days and that’s pretty good? I don’t know. It is some meme I have seen floating around. But yeah. That. I do have a perfect record! I will be okay, I just know it.

Since I forgot last time, here is Miss Olive, and the gang! I am never lonely in this zoo 🙂

Looking for Answers…Still.

With all of this going on Dave took me to the beach. I always feel like my mind resets and my body always feels a lot better. This year I couldn’t walk the whole beach, but I did half the beach and I totally won the sand dollar search. Here I am kicking ass of course. 🙂